


Defenceless

by rokeat



Category: Take That
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Slash, donage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-01-09 08:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 54,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokeat/pseuds/rokeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jason and Howard live happy and normal lifes as a loving couple in Manchester, until a misterious man starts appearing everywhere Jason is. Everything will get more complecated when Jason realises he knows him from somewhere...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Very very dramatic!! Although it also has a looot of fluff, If you're looking for something light, that is not what you're going to find here, sorry :(

Jason awoke with the tinniest ray of light from the sun coming up in the morning. He usually got up as soon as his eyes opened, whatever ridiculous hour it was, as he had never been a great sleeper and he couldn’t see the point in lying in bed when he was already awake. But today he felt relaxed and even a bit lazy, and he decided to take a moment to stop and simply enjoy his life.

He slowly stretched his limbs and it was then when he noticed a hand resting lightly on his stomach. A smile instantly broke in his lips and he turned his head around to look at the owner of said hand. God, he looked so handsome in his sleep, with his disheveled hair, his calm peacefulness, his dreamy expression…

Jason wondered where would he be if Howard hadn’t entered his life almost three years ago. To be honest, he would probably be in the same place, his bed in his apartment, but he surely wouldn’t be this happy. They met absolutely by chance, as Howard was not really interested in the kind of antiques that were sold in the shop Jason worked in. But [one day](http://takethatslash.livejournal.com/303953.html) he entered, apparently looking for a gift to some chick he had been dating for a couple of weeks, although it was clear that his heart was not in it when he couldn’t take his eyes from Jason’s for a second.

From then on Howard’s visits to the shop had become increasingly more frequent, the excuse every time more ridiculous, the chick completely forgotten, until Jason had the nerve to ask him on a [date](http://takethatslash.livejournal.com/303953.html). Howard had shyly accepted, and they had become inseparable since then.

Both had felt immediately that this relationship wasn’t like any other they had had in the past, and they had taken their time to tell each other “I love you” for fear of screwing it up. Once they said it, however, there was no turning back: Jason asked Howard to move in with him and Howard gladly accepted. They had been living together for over a year now. And Jason couldn’t imagine his life being complete any other way.

He felt Howard’s hand moving from his stomach to his hip, enveloping him in a strong and protective grip even as he slept. Jason smiled at that: Howard was such a guardian dog with him… He was overprotective and fierce in his guarding of Jason, and even if Jason sometimes could feel a bit overwhelmed by this, he really loved that about him, as it made him feel protected and secure.

Howard’s eyes slowly began to open and the first thing he saw was Jason’s smile very near to his face. After a week away from that precious smile, as he had been in Berlin for one of his gigs as a DJ, he could only reciprocate the smile as he sleepily yawned.

“Hey you” Jason lovingly told him when he realized he was awake.

“Morning, love” Howard answered while rubbing his eyes with his [free](http://takethatslash.livejournal.com/303953.html) hand (his other arm was still around Jason’s waist and he had no intention of removing it from there). “It is morning, right?”

“Just barely, but yes.”

“What are you doing already awake? Forget it, it is a stupid question, you are always awake.”

Jason chuckled at that. He loved their bickering, the easy banter they tended to communicate with. And he loved how Howard knew him so deeply.

“The question is: what are  _you_  doing already awake?”

“Were you looking at me? Cause I felt as if I was being stared at.”

“You are so full of yourself! Why would I be looking at you at this hour in the morning?”

“Cos I’m irresistible?”

“See? So full of yourself…” even as he said that Jason leant over to cup Howard’s cheek and kiss him lovingly, and Howard responded gladly, tightening even more the grip on his waist to pull Jason’s body closer to himself.

When the kiss ended Jason curled on Howard’s side, as he always did, and rested his head in Howard’s chest, contented.  Howard lovingly caressed his back, glad that for once Jason was next to him when he woke up, and kissed the top of his head.

“How come you are still in bed and not doing one of the thousands of things you usually think you have to do before the sun is even up?”

Jason smiled and turned his head to look at his boyfriend, his chin still resting on his chest.

“I don’t know, I didn’t felt like moving away from you today… Does that make me a soppy moron?”

Howard felt as if his heart was going to burst, so proud he felt that this wonderful and beautiful creature felt this way about him and would so openly say it. He gave him a kiss on the nose, but he couldn’t let the chance pass to mock him a bit.

“Yes, yes it does” Howard chuckled as Jason jokingly swatted him. “But I happen to love soppy morons”.

“Oh, I’m so incredibly lucky then”

Howard turned the joking off for a second and cupped Jason’s face tenderly so he could look straight in the eye and make him see he was going to be serious this time.

“I am the one who’s lucky… I really struck lucky the day I went into the shop and found these wonderful eyes looking at me…”

Jason look at Howard’s eyes for a second before the corners of his mouth turned slightly up and then he kissed him, long and passionate. There was no need for more words.

**********

Jason smiled as he turned the shop’s door open, the memory of that morning still fresh in his mind. Gary, the owner of the antique shop where he worked, was already there, polishing what he considered the jewel of the shop: a big old piano which he really didn’t want to sell.

Jason had met Gary at college, both of them studying history, and they had quickly become friends. Eventually Gary had abandoned, deciding to accomplish his biggest dream: open an antique shop. He even offered a part-time job to Jason, so he could combine work and studies and pay for his doctorate, and Jason had been delighted to leave his job in a pub to go with him. Even now, when Jason was the history teacher in a high school, he still worked some hours in Gary’s shop (especially when Howard was not in town) so he made some extra money and could spend some time with his best friend.

When Gary heard the door, he turned his eyes to see who it was and a warm smile spread in his lips at seeing his best friend.

“Morning, mate”

“Morning, Gaz. How’s it going?”

“Seeing the smile on your face, shouldn’t I ask  _you_  that? Could it have anything to do with Howard being back from his DJ gig in Berlin?”

Jason chuckled at his best friend, not wanting to give any details but not bothering to hide that he had clearly guessed right.

“You’d had that smile on your face too if your Markie came back to you after a week away.”

Gary feigned over thinking it for a second and then smiled again.

“Guess you’re right, you’re allowed to keep smiling all morning, if you want.”

“Gee, thanks, you’re so generous!”

As Gary chuckled again, Jason turned to hang his jacket on the hanger next to the door. He noticed there was a man outside the shop window, apparently looking at something exposed there. But Jason had the strangest feeling when he noticed that the man’s eyes were not on the window, but at him, and when Jason’s gazed settled on him, he immediately looked away and started walking away from the shop, as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have.

Gary noticed Jason standing still next to the window, the jacket still in his hands, staring at something on the street Gary didn’t know what it was.

“Everything alright, Jay?”

Jason came out of his trance and turned to Gary.

“Did you see the guy that was there a moment ago?”

“Not really, why?”

“Oh, it’s… it’s nothing, don’t worry.” Jason smiled at Gary and finally hung the jacket. Gary shrugged and continued with the polishing. Jason, however, could not return to normality so soon as a bad feeling was spreading in his guts. He had seen this man before. In fact, he had been seeing him around pretty much in the last couple of weeks, as if everywhere he went he was there. But it was probably his imagination, he thought, he was always thinking and worrying about everything (Howard often told him that one day his head was going to explode). He decided not to worry about something so insignificant and let his mind wander to more beautiful thoughts, as the presence of Howard’s body next to his own when he woke up that morning.


	2. Chapter 2

Jason and Gary were already preparing to close the shop for the day when Howard arrived. Both men turned to look at him and he smiled at them before coming closer to his boyfriend, encircling him with an arm around his shoulders and kissing him in the cheek.

“Hey you”

“Hey yourself. I didn’t think you were coming to pick me up today, thought you would still be tired from your trip and would wait for me at home, maybe even have dinner ready...”

“I think I already showed you this morning I have a lot of stamina…” Howard whispered in Jason’s ear, gaining himself a nudge in his ribs even if it was given with a smile. “Hello, Gaz, by the way.” Howard said aloud, turning his gaze to their friend.

“Well, finally you notice my presence! I know I’m not as stunning as your beautiful boyfriend, but at least I deserve to be acknowledged!” Gary answered with a big smile on his face.

“I cannot be blamed for his immediate flirting the second I crossed the threshold, can I?”

“Excuse me? I was just standing here!” Jason tried to look annoyed without success. “It was you who came here making less than subtle hints!”

“Enough, you two, I don’t want to know” Gary said, chuckling all the way. “So Howard, how was the trip?”

“It was good, to tell you the truth, sold-out gigs and everything, but I happen to miss this one too much to really enjoy it when I’m away for so many days.” He said, pointing at Jason with a move of his head and squeezing him again.

“Aw, you silly romantic… You just earned yourself a nice dinner, cooked only for you…” Jason told him, wrapping his arms around Howard’s neck, while Howard’s arms went around his waist, and giving him a quick peck on the lips.

“Hey guys” Gary interrupted their moment. “What do you say if the four of us go out for dinner? Mark will be here any minute now and it’s been ages since we’ve all been out.”

Jason and Howard looked at each other and wordlessly agreed to Gary’s plan. They knew each other so well that they often didn’t need to speak to know what the other was thinking. They were about to tell Gary they would go when Mark appeared, whistling happily. When he saw the other three his smile brightened even more.

“Well, well, well, look who’s back! It’s been some time since the four of us were standing together in the same room, and I’ve certainly missed it! What about a group hug?” he said, already grabbing Gary and Jason around their waists to force them into moving. They laughed but indulged Mark on his wish and closed the group hug. They stayed like that for a few seconds and then got apart, which Gary took advantage of to kiss Mark on his cheek.

“You know, Markie, you are about to get even happier, I just convinced these two to invite us to dinner!”

“Really?”

“No, not really!” Jason said in mock offense to which Gary laughed heartily. “We never agreed to buy!”

“Well, we can discuss technicalities while having dinner, any ideas where to go?”

**********

Having dinner turned out such a nice and funny occasion that they were all reluctant to end it for the day, and they decided to go to their favourite pub to have a drink before going home. Mark and Jason picked up a table and sat together while their partners took the job of bringing their drinks.

“So” Mark happily said, turning to Jason.

“So?” Jason asked, confused.

“So does the fact that Howard is back from a week away have anything to do with you being all happy and smiley tonight? ‘Cause I seem to remember you were much more subdued when we had that coffee together last week.”

Jason gave Mark one of this thousand-dollars smile, although Mark knew it was not really caused by him but for the memory of his returned lover.

“Well, it may have something to do…”

“I knew it. I’ll have to talk to that man and tell him not to go away again, you’re no fun when he’s not here” Mark told him, mischievously.

“Gee, thanks, Mark!” Jason said, while laughing.

“No, seriously, I’m glad to see you this happy.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Ok, what are you two on about?” Howard said, leaving the drinks on the table and sitting next to his boyfriend, immediately putting his arm around Jason’s chair. Gary sat between Mark and Jason.

“Nothing that you need to know about, love” Jason smiled at him, and gave him a quick peck on the lips for good measure.

 

They spend the next hour constantly joking and laughing, all of them having a great time, when suddenly Jason saw once again the figure he’d been seeing so much lately. The man was just leaving the bar without so much as a look back, but Jason was almost sure it was him again. As he was staring at the man’s retreating back, the others noticed he was lost in thought and looked at him curiously, waiting for him to realize their stares.

“Love?” Howard asked finally, when he realized Jason was not going to go out of his trance on his own. Jason looked at him when he was called, but still he didn’t say anything and he seemed kind of confused. Howard cupped his cheek, beginning to worry now with Jason’s strange attitude.

“Sweetheart, you okay?”

Jason still took his time to answer, trying to make sense of his boyfriend’s words through the rumbling in his head.

“Yeah, of course I’m alright, love, why wouldn’t I be?” Jason reassured him and the others and gave them a big smile to prove it. “So guys, what were you saying?”

Mark and Gary immediately started again with their joking and they didn’t notice Jason’s smile disappear as he turned to stare at the door again. Howard of course knew better than to believe Jason pretence of being alright and grabbed his hand under the table. He squeezed it tenderly as he whispered in his ear.

“You sure you are okay?”

Jason caressed Howard’s cheek with his free hand and gave him a smile, genuine this time, deeply touched by his lover’s concern and his deep knowledge of him.

“I’m alright, don’t worry, love”. Howard, that knew him better than Jason knew himself, didn’t quite believe it, but decided to wait until they were alone to really talk about it. He just gave Jason’s cheek a quick peck and turned his attention to their friends again.

***************

“Ok, so now that we are alone, are you going to tell me what happened in there?” Howard told Jason at the same time that he took hold of him with an arm around his waist as they walked towards their car, having just said goodbye to Gary and Mark. Jason imitated Howard’s move and put his own arm around his boyfriend’s waist and tried to look confused about Howard’s question.

“I don’t know what you mean…”

Howard smiled quietly and stopped in his tracks to look straight in the eye of his boyfriend without letting him go for a second.

“Love, it’s  _me_  you’re talking to… You know I’m not buying it…”

Now it was Jason’s turn to smile fondly and resumed their walking.

“I knew dating someone who knew me that much was going to turn against me someday…”

Howard chuckled a little at that, but didn’t falter a bit.

“But you love it… and nice try to change subject, by the way, but it hasn’t worked so come on, spill it out.”

“Okay, I didn’t want to say anything because you’re going to think I’m an idiot…”

Howard squeezed Jason’s waist and kissed his temple.

“Hey, come on, you know you can tell me absolutely anything and it’s not going to change the way I see you…” Jason smiled at that and squeezed him too before going on with his explanation.

“Ok, so here it goes. Lately I’ve been having this feeling like I am being watched…”

“Now you notice? I’ve been staring at you since the moment we met!” Jason chuckled at his partner’s attempt of humour, because he knew he was trying to make him feel better and he appreciated the effort.

“Come on, you moron, I’m serious!”

“I know; I’m sorry, please, go on.”

“It’s not just that. Lately it looks like everywhere I go there’s this guy…”

“Which guy?” Howard asked, starting to get worried with the direction this conversation was turning into. Unconsciously he held Jason tighter, as if trying to protect him from all the bad in the world.

“I don’t know, I don’t know him, but he seems to be everywhere I go these days… He’s not usually watching me or following me or anything, but he’s always there, you know? And it’s starting to get creepy.”

“Was he in the pub today? Is that why you got all quiet and worried all of a sudden?”

“I think he was. He was out the door before I could see if it was him, but I think it was.”

Howard and Jason continued walking in silence for some seconds; Howard trying to process the information and Jason waiting for a reaction. It was Howard who broke the silence.

“How long has this been going on?”

“I don’t know, a couple of weeks, maybe.”

“And you didn’t think to say anything sooner?” Howard didn’t look at Jason and there was something in his voice that Jason didn’t quite like. Anger? Disappointment? Hurt? Yes, definitely hurt for not trusting him with this. Jason stopped the two of them and turned to stand in front of him. He touched his cheek with one hand, forcing him to look at him in the eye, while with his other hand he grabbed his arm reassuringly.

“It’s not because of lack of trust that I didn’t tell you before. At first I was sure it was just me managing to worry about a stupid thing, and then you weren’t here… But it’s not just that, I just know you, I know how much you worry about me and how unsettling it is to you just thinking something could happen to me… And nothing’s happened, we don’t know if this guy is really following me, he could live around here and happen to go to the same places we go, or it could even be just my imagination… I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily… Please, don’t feel left out and don’t be angry at me… at least not tonight…” Jason’s voice faltered at the end.

Howard could see the repentance in Jason’s eyes for making him feel shut out and could feel some fear in his voice because of a situation he didn’t understand and couldn’t control. He knew his boyfriend needed his support tonight and this was much more important to him than his own feelings. Besides he knew he would have done the same in his situation, it would be hypocrite of him to get angry. So he followed his instincts and embraced Jason tightly, surrounding him with his arms and his love. He felt Jason sigh relieved and how he relaxed in his arms.

“It’s okay, love, I’m not angry. We’ll talk about it in the morning, now we are just going to go home, watching some bad telly and then I’ll hug you in your sleep all night. How’s that sound?”

Jason smiled a brilliant smile and then kissed his partner full on the lips, long and caring.

“I love you so much…”

“Love you too, you know. Come on, let’s go home.”


	3. Chapter 3

When Jason woke up next morning it was almost time to get ready for work. He smiled as he noticed that Howard had not broken his promise: his arm was still holding him firmly around his waist as had been when they fell asleep, his warm body pressed against Jason’s back. The rush of love Jason suddenly felt for this man was so intense that he couldn’t help turning around and planting a quiet kiss on his lover’s lips.

Howard had been asleep but he couldn’t resist one of his boyfriend’s kisses, even in his sleep, so a smile broke slowly in his lips and sleepy eyes opened to look at the person who had woken him so tenderly. Jason immediately felt a pang of guilt for waking him up just for his own pleasure, even if his boyfriend didn’t seem to mind that much.

“Morning” Howard whispered almost without moving his lips, the fog of sleep still present.

“Morning, love. I’m sorry I woke you. It’s just…” Jason hesitated.

“Just what?” Howard asked, more awake now.

“It’s just… I love you so much that I felt that if I didn’t kiss you my heart would just explode.” Jason answered shyly, almost ashamed of verging on the sentimental.

Howard smile grew and the grip on Jason’s waist tightened, as he leant forward to kiss Jason properly.

“If these are going to be your first words to me in the morning, you can wake me up every day if you want to” Howard joked, trying to gain a smile from his love, which he did.

“I would love to physically show you right now how much I love you, if you know what I mean…” Jason joked, seductively, to which Howard laughed heartily, “but I’m afraid it will have to wait, duty calls, I’ve got to go to work, you know.”

Jason started to get up but Howard gently caught his wrist, bringing him closer to him again.

“You don’t happen to have five minutes to spare before you go, do you? I would like to talk”

“Are you leaving me? ‘Cause that “we have to talk” thing sounded horrible” Jason joked.

Howard smiled warmly and sat up against the headboard.

”You know I would never leave you, no one cooks like you do”

“Thanks, I love you too, you know!” Jason laughed.

“No, I wanted to talk about what you explained to me yesterday”

Realization crossed Jason’s face as he sat opposite Howard, with a much more serious expression than just seconds before. He understood Howard’s need to talk about it, he knew Howard needed to know everything so he could look for ways to protect him. So Jason would talk, but it was not something he was looking forward too.

“Ok, let’s talk”

“I would like to know to which extent are you certain there’s something going on with this guy”

For a second Jason felt tempted to lie, to pretend he thought it probably was a product of his overactive imagination and save Howard from all the worry he knew was coming. But if there was something Jason appreciated was honesty, especially with Howard, so he chose to tell the truth.

“I would like to tell you otherwise, but the truth is I’m kind of worried”

“You don’t think you could be imagining things, then?”

“At first I did, but not anymore, I think I’ve seen him around too many times to be just coincidence”

Howard nodded thoughtfully.

“And you don’t know him at all”

“No, I don’t think so”

“Well, maybe we should go to the police…”

“No, How, let’s not blow things up out of all proportion, we can’t just press charges against someone who hasn’t done anything. He hasn’t even talked to me or directly followed me, he’s just… you know, always there.”

“So what, do we have wait for him to do something to you?”

Jason could see Howard was getting frustrated with the conversation, so he moved next to him and put his head on Howard’s shoulder and his arm around his chest.

“Love, how do we know he wants to do something to me? Let’s not overreact, shall we? I promise you I’ll be careful, ok?”

Howard sighed but turned his head toward Jason to look him in the eye. Jason made a silly face and Howard had to chuckle, all tension broken, so he put his arm around Jason’s shoulders and pressed him against his chest.

“You know I love you more than anything in the world, do you?”

“I know”

“And you know that I don’t want you to get hurt in any way”

“Yeah”

Howard kissed him on his forehead.

“Then you have to promise you are going to be very very careful”

“Of course I will”

“And that you are not going to go anywhere on your own”

“What? Love, that’s not possible”

“How is it not possible? I don’t have any gig than involves travelling for some weeks, so I’ll just accompany you”

“So what, now you’ll be spending all your time following me around?”

“Not following, accompanying” Howard answered mischievously, to which Jason could only smile.

“Still, it’s not quite fair to you”

“Don’t be silly, there’s no better way to spend my time than being with you, so in fact I think it’s a pretty good thing”

“God, you are so stubborn…”

“And you are so lazy, what are you still doing in bed? Come on, we have to go. I’ll race you to the shower!”

Howard stood up and ran to the bathroom while Jason laughed wholeheartedly. More slowly he got up and started getting his clothes ready, taking a moment to think about the whole conversation. Yes, Howard could be a nuisance sometimes, with his overprotectiveness and his constant worry for him, but Jason wouldn’t change any of it: in his eyes Howard was simply perfect.

“I’m waiting!” Howard shouted from the shower.

Jason laughed.

“I’m coming!” he answered as he headed towards the bathroom.

*****************

After a whole day of Howard having proclaimed himself Jason’s personal chauffeur, having driven him from home to the institute, from the institute to the shop and now about to drive him home from the shop, the tension and worry seemed to have slightly vanished from their minds, probably because of the fact that they were together.

As they were coming out of the shop, both of them laughing at some silly joke with arms around each other, the always-present man was standing just across the street. Suddenly his gaze and Jason’s met, and just for a second Jason sensed he had met that gaze before, a feeling that made him feel even more uncomfortable, although he didn’t know why. The man, meanwhile, had realized that Jason was not alone and he hurried down the street away from them, trying not to attract people’s attention but wanting to put some distance between them as soon as possible.

Jason abruptly stopped laughing and walking at seeing the man again, so close this time, and stared at his retreating back without even blinking. Howard immediately felt the change in his behaviour and stopped smiling too.

“Jay, what’s wrong?”

Jason pointed at the man walking fast away from them.

“Howard, that’s the man, the one who has been following me around”

“Which one?” Howard replied, completely alert and very serious.

“The big one with the green jacket”

Howard started running towards the man, even thought Jason tried to stop him unsuccessfully.

“Hey you, stop!”

The man, knowing it was him who these words were directed at even without turning to look, started running too, away from his persecutor.

“What the hell do you want from him?” Howard shouted at the top of his voice. People were now staring at the whole situation, but Howard couldn’t care less, only worrying about his lover’s wellbeing.

The man had a good start ahead of him, and Howard could finally see that there was no way he could catch him. He stopped, breathing hard, and kicked the pavement, clearly frustrated. Jason reached him a couple of seconds later and softly put his hand on Howard’s shoulder.

“How?”

“Shit, I just let him escape!”

“You could do nothing about it, he was already too far away. And besides, what would you have done if you had caught up with him, give him a beating? Then it would have been you in serious trouble, have you not thought about that?”

The corners of Howard’s mouth turned slightly up at Jason’s words. He had instinctively started running, but hadn’t really thought about what he would do next.

“You’re right, I didn’t give it too much thought…”

Jason smiled fondly at his lover before putting his arm around his shoulder and guiding him towards their car.

“No, you sure didn’t, you scatterbrain… Come on, let’s go home”

Howard put his arm around Jason’s waist and kissed his temple as he let himself be guided to the car.

“Honey, don’t you think now it’s a good time to bring the police into this?”

“How, the situation hasn’t changed, he has done nothing besides maybe running away from you, but that would kind of show you in a worse light than him in the eyes of the police, don’t you think?”

“I don’t really care what they think about me if they can help”

“And how are they going to help? We don’t know his name, or where he lives, and we can barely describe him… How are they going to find him? And I’m sure they’ll tell us the same, he hasn’t done anything”

“Gosh, this is so frustrating…”

“Besides” Jason smiled, mischievously, “now he’s seen you I’m sure he’s not coming back, you are absolutely terrifying when you want to be, did you know that?”

“Let’s hope so”

**********

When they arrived home Howard started to make dinner as Jason corrected some essays from school. He usually did that at the study, where he could be quiet and not be distracted, but today he felt a strange need to be near Howard, so he took the kitchen table and filled it with papers and pens.

As Howard cooked and Jason worked they kept their easy banter and some light joking, both of them trying to make light of the situation, but the truth is both of them were quite shaken from the events of the day and had a bad feeling that the worst was yet to come.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a couple of weeks since their unfortunate encounter with the stalker in front of the shop. They had not seen that man once since Howard had started accompanying Jason everywhere, but Jason still had the uncomfortable feeling that he was being watched. Every time he set foot on the street –well, every time THEY set food on the street, as Howard was always at his side- he discreetly had a good glance around in case he happened to see the man again, but that never happened. Howard was starting to relax some, for they hadn’t seen the man for so many days, but Jason could still feel him near. Of course he made sure not to mention that to Howard, because he didn’t want to worry him again and because, to be honest, he was starting to rebel against his lack of independence, for as much as he loved Howard endlessly, he had always been someone who needed his own space.

So when the time came for Howard to travel abroad for four days because of a job, it was with great reluctance that he agreed not to cancel to stay with his boyfriend. Jason made the point that he couldn’t put his life on hold on his behalf, that this was his job and that he couldn’t go cancelling gigs if he wanted to make a name for himself in the business. And more importantly: they hadn’t seen a hair of the man for so many days, he probably had been scared by Howard and decided not come back, so Jason was safe. And yes, he would be very careful all the same; and yes, he would drive everywhere and not walk alone on the streets; and of course, they would speak on the phone everyday to make sure he was alright. By the time Jason totally convinced Howard to go it was too late to cancel anyway and he had to hurry to catch his plane.

*****************

It turned out that when Howard said they’d speak every day, he meant almost every hour. He knew Jason’s timetable by heart and knew when not to get him at work on the institute –he knew he could call Jason when he was on the shop and he would pick it up if he was not with a client.

So when Howard called for the third time on an afternoon, Gary started becoming suspicious that there was something going on with those two. Sure, they were ridiculously cloying on a normal day, but that was too much, even for them. So when Jason put down his mobile for the third time, after countless promises to his lover that yes, he was okay and no, nothing out of the ordinary had happened, Gary decided to make some investigating.

“Wow, Howard sure is feeling lonely today, isn’t he?”

Jason smiled, although Gary could say the smile didn’t really reach his eyes.

“You know how he is when he goes away, he gets homesick and calls to feel nearer somehow”

“Yeah, but he never calls that much...”

“Doesn’t he? I don’t know, must be missing me more than usual”

“Not more that you’re missing him. You are terribly quiet today, Jay”

Jason smiled sadly again.

“Am I?”

“Yes, you are, and stop answering me with questions” Gary was trying to cheer his best friend up, and this time he received a genuine smile from him. “Is everything alright, Jay?”

“And why wouldn’t it be?”

“Was that another question?”

Jason chuckled.

“I’m sorry, I don’t do it on purpose. I’m ok, don’t worry, nothing’s wrong”

“You sure?”

Jason felt tempted to explain everything to Gary, after all he was his best friend and could trust him with anything. But he knew Gary, he was almost as bad as Howard with his overprotectiveness of him, and the only thing he would achieve by telling him would be to worry him unnecessarily too.

“Maybe... maybe I’m missing Howard more than usual too”

“How about you come and have dinner with Mark and me? We were not going to do anything out of the ordinary, just order some takeaway and watch some movie or something, but we would love it if you joined us”

Jason was about to refuse, but he really didn’t feel like being alone that night.

“Ok, if you’re sure you don’t mind...”

“Of course I don’t mind, you silly! Just as long as you don’t make a habit out of it” Gary joked.

Jason gave Gary one of his million-dollar smile this time, grateful and in better spirits already.

*****************

On the following day, Jason was feeling quite tired: he had spent all day in the institute with reunions and corrections. The academic year was coming to an end and that always involved a great deal of work. In fact, it was quite late in the afternoon to be leaving the institute and he wouldn’t be able to go to the shop that day. Fortunately he had warned Gary that he would probably not be able to go.

In spite of all that, he was in a much better mood that the day before: he had spent an enjoyable evening at Mark and Gary’s and Howard was to arrive tomorrow. Yes, things were starting to go pretty well. He would just go home, have a light dinner and watch an old movie while he missed being in Howard’s arms in front of the TV just for one more night.

He was walking to his car, all loaded down with papers and folders, when his mobile, which was in his trouser’s pocket, started vibrating. Jason hurried to his car to unload everything he was carrying on the driver’s seat and took the phone out of his pocket. Without moving away from the passenger’s door, he looked at the screen and smiled when he saw it was Mark.

“Hey, mate”

“Hi, Jay. How are you?”

“I’m good, thanks. What’s up?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to check on you, I think yesterday you were feeling kind of lonely and I wanted to know how are you feeling today”

Jason smiled fondly. Markie and his big heart.

“You’re too good to me. I’m okay, I had a great time yesterday with you two, you really lifted my spirits”

“I’m so glad to hear that, man. Hey, if tomorrow you’re still feeling lonely, we could go and have some coffee at that place you like so much near the shop”

“I really don’t think I’m going to feel lonely tomorrow, Markie. Howard is due to come back tomorrow”

“Oh, so now you have Howard again you don’t need me anymore” Mark joked, making Jason chuckle.

“Well, I was going to suggest that the four of us could do something together, but if you’re gonna be like this...”

“Oh, ok, sounds like a plan. Do you have anything in mind?”

“No, but we can decide when Gary and I close the shop tomorrow. Howard and you can come and pick us up and then we decide what we want to do.”

“Sounds great. I love it when you and I make all the plans and our hubbies can only smile and agree”

“Do you think we are that bossy?”

“Mmm... yeah, I do”

Jason couldn’t resist laughing out loud this time.

“Ok, then, I’ll see you tomorrow. And... Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for calling”

“Anytime, mate. Bye!”

Jason was still smiling when he put the phone back in his pocket and closed the passenger’s door to go towards the driver seat and finally head for home. He didn’t have time to react when he heard strong steps just behind him and before he could so much as turn his head around, he was grabbed from behind and pushed against the wall of the building. His forehead impacted quite heavily with the wall, but he didn’t even feel the pain, for the confusion and the fear he was feeling were stronger.

A strong arm was holding his neck against the wall and Jason couldn’t even move his head to see his assaulter. The man approached his mouth to Jason’s ear and he could feel his hot breath in the back of his neck as he spoke.

“You didn’t think you had seen the last of me, did you? I knew I just needed to wait and sooner or later I would get you alone.”

“What the hell do you want?”

“You know what I want, don’t play innocent with me, we both know better than that”

“Look, mister...”

Jason tried to turn around try and reason with the man, but he just got angrier and twisted Jason’s arm behind his back. Jason hissed in pain, but resisted the urge to make any other sound.

“Don’t move!”

“Please, just tell me what do you want and leave me alone”

“Leave you alone! No way, there are a lot of things to settle between us first”

Just as Jason thought he couldn’t stand the pain in his arm any longer, they heard some voices approaching around the corner, happily talking, oblivious to what was happening. Jason felt the hesitation on the man’s grip and how he had turned his head to look towards the direction of the voices, so Jason took his chance: he quickly freed his arm from the man’s iron grip, turned around and punched him hard on his face. The man doubled over in pain and shock and Jason took advantage of his confusion to run to his car’s driver’s door. The man made a feint of following him, but then the voices were very near and he knew he had lost his chance.

“This isn’t over” was the last thing Jason heard as he entered the car, bolted the door and quickly started the car towards home.

*****************

When he arrived home, Jason quickly closed the door behind him and leant into it, his eyes shut and his heart beating madly.  Now he knew for sure that the feelings of these last weeks had not been product of his imagination; this man was following him around alright and, furthermore, he wanted to hurt him.

Jason needed Howard more than ever right at this moment but he wasn’t going to be at home until next day. Jason felt tears coming to his eyes at just the thought of spending the night alone. He thought of calling Howard and explaining everything but he knew Howard well, he knew he would fret like crazy being far away from him or worse, he would try to come back right away, causing him to lose the job and still not be there that night.

He decided that the best he could do was to try and keep his mind occupied and have some sleeping tablets; otherwise there was no way he was getting any sleep that night. He went into the kitchen in search of some water. He grabbed a glass from the cupboard and just as he was filling it with water he felt strong arms encircling his waist.

The fright he got from the contact made him lose grip of the pitcher and it fell down to the floor just as Jason turned around and recoiled a couple steps.

“Hey, easy there, love, it’s just me” Howard joked at the reaction he had involuntarily provoked. However, when he saw the haunted look on his boyfriend’s face, the smile quickly left his lips and worry set on his features. “Jay, is everything alright?”

Jason was so scared because of the events of a while ago but so relieved at the same time that the arms that had hugged him were Howard’s, that he could not form any words. He did the only thing he felt capable of and threw himself in Howard’s arms with all his might, holding him strongly and burying his face in his partner’s broad shoulder.

“Hey, love, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” Howard asked, but Jason could still not talk as he was having difficulties just to control his fast breathing. Howard was getting more worried by the second, so after holding his love strongly and stroking his hair for a minute he tried to extricate himself from the embrace and look at Jason in the eye, while keeping his hands on his shoulders. Jason, however, was not making it any easy, as he kept his head lowered towards the ground.

“Jay, has something happened?”

Jason felt a little more calmed and his breathing seemed to be under control, so he tried to form words not to worry his boyfriend any more than necessary.

“I’m sorry, love, I just got scared… What are you doing here?”

“The last gig got cancelled and I was able to catch a flight to arrive today, I was dying to be with you and I wanted it to be a surprise”

“I’m so glad you’re here…” Jason sighed and gave a desperate kiss to Howard’s lips, grabbing his face with both his hands. When the kiss broke, Howard put their foreheads together, completely positive that there was something big troubling his boyfriend. He put his fingers under Jason’s chin and lifted his face, forcing him to return his look. It was then when he noticed a bruise and a scratch on one side of his forehead.

“Hey, what’s this?” Howard asked looking at the offending sight of an injury in his boyfriend’s beautiful face.

“What?” Jason touched the part of his face that Howard was so intensely looking and hissed when he noticed the pain with the contact. “Oh, it’s nothing, if I don’t touch it, it barely hurts”

“Sweetheart, what’s happened?”

Jason understood that there was no way he was going to be able to hide everything from Howard and save him the worry so he sighed again and answered him in a very weak voice, so weak that Howard almost didn’t hear him although he was just inches from him. “He’s real”

“Real? What do you mean, who’s real?”

“That man. It was not my imagination, he has been following me around”

Howard felt as if a hand was gripping his guts, the alarm and worry was so intense.

“How are you so sure?”

“Because he just attacked me in the street”

Howard didn’t know how to process this and did it the only way he knew: through anger. He let go of Jason and started pacing the floor furiously. Jason understood that the anger was not directed at him and in some way he felt better from Howard’s protectiveness.

“I’m going to kill that bastard! If I get my hands on him… What did he do to you?”

“He threw me face first against the wall and twisted my arm behind my back.”

“Did he do that?” Howard asked, pointing at Jason’s forehead.

“Yes, my face must have hit the wall, I guess”

Howard was felling a rage and a fire inside him that he had never felt before. He wanted to hit something, or to scream, or do something to let go of some of that anger. He kicked the table and caused some of the things that were on it to fell to the floor, some of them breaking. Jason, who loved Howard’s caring nature and big heart, couldn’t stand seeing so much anger in him, and finally the tears that had been threatening reached his eyes.

“How, please…” he whispered. Howard immediately regretted his outburst and ran to embrace him again, stroking his hair and whispering reassurances in his ear.

“I’m sorry, love, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you even more… It’s just... the thought of someone treating you this way…”

“I know”

“Does your head hurt? Do we need to go to the hospital?”

“No, no, it’s not that bad, I’ll just put some ice over it”

“Are you alright?”

“How, I’m… I’m scared”

Howard could only hold him even more strongly.

“I am too”

When he felt Jason finally relax a bit he urged him to lie down on the sofa while he got the ice to put over the bump on his forehead. Jason, not used to do what others told him to, this time only nodded and obeyed, suddenly feeling very tired.

Howard came only a minute later. He carefully lifted Jason’s head to sit on the sofa and let it rest on his lap while he held the ice over the injury with one hand and stroked his boyfriend’s hair with the other. Jason wasn’t feeling too comfortable with the cold of the ice, but the loving stroking in his hair was causing him to drowse, until Howard started speaking again and he turned his attention to him.

“Are you feeling any better, love?”

“Yes, thank you for being so good to me”

“Don’t be silly, you would do the same, or much more, for me, you know that” Howard said with a smile that Jason kindly returned.

“I mean it, thank you so much for being here with me... When I thought I was going to spend the night alone...” As Jason said that, a tiny teardrop left his eye, and Howard hurried to catch it with his thumb.

“Well, you have me now”

Jason sat up and embraced his boyfriend firmly, glad of feeling his arms around him. Having calmed down a bit, he explained everything to Howard: how that man had been waiting for him at work, what he had said, how it seemed that he knew him and how he had got rid of him and escaped. By the time he had explained everything, Jason felt drained and rested his head on Howard’s chest, as Howard’s arms went around him again and he kissed the top of his head.

“And he said it isn’t over”

“Sweetheart, now please are you going to agree to go to the police?”

Jason lifted his head up to look at his boyfriend’s eyes. There he saw worry, fear and a big amount of love, and he knew there was only one right answer.

“Yes”

 


	5. Chapter 5

On the morning, Jason and Howard decided to go and press charges against that man. The police told them they would do everything they could, but without a name or and address there was little they could do. They showed Jason some photographs of common criminals in case he recognized him, but there was nothing to do if he didn’t have a police record. The only thing they could do was to keep alert and let them know immediately if they saw him again.

Howard suggested in no uncertain terms that they should give protection to his boyfriend, as he had been clearly threatened. But the police told me they couldn’t do that with every minor incident, as there were no officers enough. Howard, clearly getting angrier by the minute, was just about to retort about what “minor” meant to him when Jason squeezed his hand in an attempt of stopping him.  So when the formal accusation was done and an accurate description of the man was given, Jason grabbed Howard’s hand again and took him out of the police station.

They felt that the best thing they could do was try to get on with their lives the best they could, so they went to the shop in intent of regaining normality and taking their minds off things.

As Jason had texted Gary first thing in the morning telling him that he would be late for work, and since it was Saturday and the bank were Mark worked was closed, he was at the shop too, lending a hand and well, just being with his boyfriend. When they heard the door opening, both men turned to look and smiled at the arriving couple.

“Hey guys” Mark saluted.

“Morning! I thought you told me you were going to be pretty late, I wasn’t expecting you until at least another hour” Gary told Jason.

Jason looked at Howard as they both were getting off their jackets and Howard looked back at him as he hung both their jackets next to the door. Neither Mark nor Gary had noticed their sombre expressions.

“Turns out the things we had to do didn’t take us that much time”

 “Hey, Jay, what happened to your face?” Mark asked genuinely worried as he noticed the bump and bruise on his forehead.

“Oh, this? It’s nothing”

Jason’s evasiveness in explaining immediately took Gary to believe some embarrassing event had been the cause of his friend’s injury, and didn’t lose the chance to mock him.

“Did Howard’s comeback get out of your hands?” he asked with a smile.

Howard failed to see the fun in a situation that clearly had him very worried and frustrated and answered Gary in a less than friendly tone.

“Maybe you should ask about things before deciding to joke about them, just in case they happen to be serious”

Gary’s smile immediately left his face and had to close his mouth at the surprise cause by Howard’s reaction. He noticed how Jason had put his hand in Howard’s shoulder in intent of calming him, and realized that something was clearly wrong.

“Is it serious? The injury, I mean. Are you alright, Jay?”

“Yes, Gaz, I’m alright, like I said it’s nothing”

“Look, guys, I’m sorry if I upset you, I didn’t mean anything by it…”

“We know you didn’t, don’t we, love?” Jason asked, directing his gaze at his boyfriend, who didn’t look as fierce as a moment before.

“I’m the one who’s sorry, Gaz, you couldn’t know…” Howard told apologetically.

“But if Jay says it’s nothing to worry about, what’s wrong?” Mark asked, clearly worried about Jason and Howard’s seriousness. They looked at each other, mentally debating if they should include their friends in the problem and deciding that they couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. Jason tried to explain the best he could.

“Look, guys, it’s not about the injury itself, but how it happened...” Jason looked at Howard to ask for help, as it was quite difficult for him to explain everything again.

“Jay was attacked yesterday” Howard went on. Both Mark and Gary jumped from their seats at that and approached Jason, subconsciously surrounding him as if to protect him.

“Attacked?” Gary asked while touching his best friend’s arm. “What happened? Are you alright, mate?”

“Well, I’m kind of… scared, I suppose, but I’m as alright as I can be”

“Was it a mugging?”

“No, it’s more complicated than that...” Jason didn’t know how to go on and Howard could see how troubled he looked, so he offered his support putting his hand on his lower back and decided to continue with the explanation himself.

“Look, guys, it was a man that seems to be kind of obsessed with Jay, he has been following him for weeks now and yesterday took his chance when he was alone and assaulted him”

“Oh my God” Mark exclaimed, “but what did he want? Did he say?”

Jason smiled gratefully at Howard for his support but decided to keep strong and be the one who told their friends the whole story. After all, Howard had done enough for him already, he couldn’t lean on him all the time, it wasn’t fair for Howard. And furthermore, Jason could see the Howard was very affected by the whole situation too. Things would work better if they leant on each other.

“I don’t know what he wants, he just told me that there was something to settle between us and that it wasn’t over”

“But then you know him?” Gary, who hadn’t moved a centimetre away from Jason, asked.

“No, I don’t, but the truth is the more I think about it, the more familiar he looks to me, as if I had met him a long time ago, but I can’t remember when or how. I really don’t remember his face, but that gaze...”

Gary looked at Jason and then at Howard, and he saw a nervousness in both of them that de didn’t like one bit. It was clear that none of them had had much sleep and the tiredness wasn’t helping.

“Look, guys” he gestured towards the shop “we are having an incredibly peaceful morning here, so why don’t you go home and rest a bit? Mark is here to help if there is any need, which I sincerely doubt”

“Thank you, Gaz, but we would like to get on with our lives as normally as possible”

“I agree with you, it just happens to be that in your normal life you have a wonderful boss that has decided to give you a day off”

“But Gaz...”

“Don’t you get that I want to have some quality time with my boyfriend today and we don’t want you here?”

Jason smiled at Gary and his attempts to help and make him feel better. He could always relay on him. So he looked at Howard and Howard nodded at him.

“Ok, you win, we are going. But don’t blame me if you have a lot of costumers and you can’t have your every-five-minutes breaks”

“Excuse me?” Gary tried to look offended as Mark and Howard laughed.

“We’re going! See you on Monday!” Jason said as he took Howard’s hand and both their jackets and they walked out the street.

**********

Jason and Howard decided to have a lazy day, and the first thing they did was to put a movie on the DVD and curl together on the sofa to watch it, which they never did in the morning (Jason was too active a person to spend his day in front of the TV). Howard sat with his feet on a stool as Jason rested against his chest, his head under Howard’s chin and his arm around Howard, feet on the sofa. Although it was quite usual for them to entwine around each other whenever they sat in the sofa, Howard could see Jason was in need of the contact, of the assurance that Howard’s physical closeness made him feel. And Howard wasn’t one to deny his boyfriend anything, so he just kept lovingly stroking his neck and kissing the top of his head every now and again. His mind was not in the movie, and he suspected Jason’s wasn’t either, so he decided to say the three words that were crossing his mind at the moment.

“I love you”

Jason turned his head up to look at his boyfriend’s eyes, a smile playing in his lips.

“And  what's all this in aid of ?”

“Nothing, I just felt like reminding you”

Jason’s smile turned even bigger as his arms went around Howard’s neck and he sat on Howard’s lap, straddling him, as he gave him a long lingering kiss.

“Do I need to remind you too?”

“Well, it would be nice of you”

Jason laughed wholeheartedly.

“Ok then, I love you too”

“I love it when you tell me that spontaneously”

“You forced me to say it!” Jason laughed.

“I just love hearing it from you, even if I have to ask for it” Howard said while he pushed Jason flat on the sofa and he ended up on top of him. As Jason smiled at him, Howard gently played with the hair that fell on his boyfriend’s forehead, all the while contemplating him as if he was a work of art. While looking at him he couldn’t help but notice again the bump on his forehead, and he leant down to kiss it lovingly. Jason, deeply moved by Howard’s actions, understood that Howard was as scared and in need of assurance as himself, so he raised his head and captured Howard’s lips in a long and deep kiss, which Howard readily returned. When Jason felt Howard’s hands tenderly lifting his shirt and pulling it over his head, he realised they were much better ways to put your mind off things than watching a movie.


	6. Chapter 6

Howard put down his phone, sighing. He had just said “no” to one of the biggest clubs in Amsterdam, one he had wanted to give a gig in for a long time now. It had been a pity, but he didn’t regret his decision one bit: Jason was much more important to him that any club, however fancy it may be. And he needed him there right now. Or at least, Howard needed to be there for him, not in some faraway country, even if they hadn’t had any new encounter with the stranger for days. But not seeing him didn’t mean he had disappeared: he was still on the loose and nowhere to be found. Jason was in as much danger as the week before, and Howard couldn’t even think about not being at his side.

And besides, when he had told the people from the club that he would really love to give a gig there but couldn’t because of a family matter, they immediately told him that they would contact with him again some other time. So it wasn’t that bad, right?

He stood up from the bed where he had been sitting while being on the phone and went into the living room in search of his boyfriend. Jason was sitting on the sofa, legs bended in front of him with a book on his lap. But Jason was not really reading, as he was not even looking at the pages, but looking through the window, clearly deep in thought. It was not anything strange to see Jason lost in his own world for a while: he always thought and rethought and thought again everything that crossed his mind. But Howard knew this was not any ordinary thinking: he was worried, confused and afraid. And Howard hated to see him like this.

Howard approached him and bent over to kiss the top of his head. Jason turned his gaze from the window to Howard’s face and gave him a small but fond smile while he closed the book and put his feet off the sofa so Howard could sit next to him.

“Good book?” Howard ironically asked him. Jason smiled again and left the book on the coffee table.

“I really have no idea”

“Oh, come here, you little worrier” Howard opened his arms invitingly and Jason climbed into his embrace, resting his head on Howard’s shoulder.

“I’m not exactly worrying right now, I was just thinking”

“Mind to share?”

“It’s just... the more I think about it, the surest I am that I know this guy. The look in his eyes... But I can’t seem to remember where from. Only that it’s from a long time ago”

“If I could help you remember...”

“I prefer when you help me forget, love” Jason’s gaze and the smile he directed at Howard were so full of love that Howard felt like he was going to melt. “I don’t know how to even begin to thank you for all your support and your love and... well, just for being you”

Now it was Howard’s turn to give Jason a loving smile accompanied by a kiss to his forehead.

“Don’t be silly, you are what I love the most in the world, to offer you my love and my time is a small price to pay to keep you safe, don’t you think? No, it’s not even a price to pay, ‘cause I love it. You don’t have to thank me for anything”

Jason curled even closer to Howard as an answer, glad to feel the strength of his arms around him. Just being like this immediately made him feel better.

“So who was on the phone?”

“Oh... nobody” Howard didn’t want Jason to know he was not accepting important jobs because of him, he knew that would make him feel guilty and he didn’t need any more negative emotions on him. So it was better to change the subject. “You know what? Tomorrow morning I should go to that club here in Manchester I’ve been wanting to work in, remember? They want to talk in person before hiring me”

“Bastards, if they knew how perfect you are...” Jason grinned, mischievously.

“Pity not everyone has the same opinion on me that you do” Howard chuckled. “So I’ll leave you at the institute and then I’ll go”

“No, don’t you remember I told you I didn’t have to go tomorrow because of the coming exams? I told Gary I’d come to the shop in the morning and help him clean and tidy up a bit, it’s been quite long since we last did.”

Howard expression changed to one full of worry.

“To the shop? I don’t like the idea of you going there alone”

“You remember Gary, the guy I work for, right? He’s going to be there too, you know, it’s his shop after all”

“I know that” Howard tried to look annoyed, but he couldn’t help but to smile. “I just feel better when I’m the one by your side, ‘cause that way I don’t have to wonder if you’re alright all the time. Couldn’t you just wait for me here and then I’ll go with you?”

“Come on, love, don’t be ridiculous, I’ll be alright. I’m not going to be alone at the shop, and I already told Gary I’d go. He already gave me the day off last week, I can’t keep taking advantage of his kindness”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right... So I’ll just pass on the club thing, and I’ll go with you?”

“What? No, How” Jason got serious now and lifted his head from Howard’s shoulder to look at him right in the eye. “There’s no need to do that. Don’t even think I don’t know you are rejecting gigs in other countries so you can stay here and be with me and protect me, and you don’t know how much I appreciate it... But you can’t keep putting your life on hold for me. Even if you don’t want to travel, which I understand, you can’t lose jobs here, especially in Manchester”

Howard was surprised Jason knew about the gigs, but then smiled: Jason never missed anything, especially if it had something to do with him.

“I know, it’s just the thought of something...”

“Something happening to me” Jason finished the sentence for him. “I know, love, I get it, I really do, but look, you can’t let fear rule our lives anymore than it already is. So please, go to that meeting and then, if you want to, I’ll see you at the shop, where I’ll be perfectly fine with Gary, ok?”

Howard sighed and then smiled in defeat.

“Ok, you win, I’ll go”

“Thank you. And now let me rest my head on your shoulder again while you hold me, ‘cause it’s just so comfy...”

Howard laughed aloud at Jason but obeyed nonetheless.

***********

The next day Howard drove Jason to the shop, as they had agreed the day before, so then he could go to that meeting with the club owner. Well, that’s what they had agreed, but now Howard was having doubts again about no staying with his boyfriend.

“I already told you yesterday, I’m not going to be alone. Gaz is already in the shop, you see his car right there? So you stop arguing with me and go, you’re late enough as it is”

“Shit, you’re right, I’m late”

“Yes, you are, so get going, I think I’ll be able to cross the street on my own, do you think I’ll be able?” Jason joked, getting a small smile from his boyfriend.

“Ok, you go, but I’ll be here as soon as I can, I’ll hurry”

“Yeah, I suspected I wasn’t getting rid of you that easily. Well, good luck, honey, see you later” Jason grabbed Howard’s chin to join their lips in a quick but loving kiss and got out of the car and walked decidedly towards the shop. He knew Howard wouldn’t drive away until he was at the door, so when he reached it, he turned around and waved Howard goodbye. Howard smiled, returned the salute and finally drove away.

When Jason turned to look at the door, he noticed the door was still locked, and the “closed” sign was still hanging at the other side of the door. That could only mean that Gary was not there as he had thought at first. But his car was there, so he just probably had gone out for a little errand and would be back immediately.

**********

When half an hour had passed and there was still no sign of Gary, Jason mentally debated with himself if he should open the shop or wait for Gary or Howard to come back. If Howard knew he had been alone at the shop with the “open” sign on, he would probably get quite angry at him.

However, the decision was made for him when he saw Mrs. Bishop at the door, a lovely old woman who was a regular costumer of the shop. She had already seen Jason, so he knew he couldn’t pretend that there wasn’t anybody and of course he couldn’t leave her out. She always ended up buying something and, furthermore, she was always friendly and cared about Jason and Gary like they were his family. So Jason sighed and turned to the door to open it for her and welcome her in.

“Morning, Mrs. Bishop. How are you today?”

“Good morning, dear. I’m good, thank you. I came a while ago and it was still closed. You are kind of late to open today, weren’t you?”

“Em... yes, a little bit, I’m sorry, I think we had a little misunderstanding with Gary about timetables”

“It’s okay, I’m a retired person, it’s not like I have something else to do, right?”

Jason smiled gladly. Mrs. Bishop was just an adorable person.

“Mind I have a look around?”

“No, please, go ahead. There’s quite a few new things since the last time you came”

“Hope not too new, you know I come for the antiques”

They both laughed and then the old lady started walking around the shop, admiring everything on the shelves, clearly interested in what she was seeing. Jason was not being as helpful or chatty as usual, because he kept glancing at the door, hoping for Gary or Howard to appear but almost expecting the stranger to come.

*****************

Gary looked at his watch impatiently: he had been in the bank for an hour, waiting for his turn to speak to the teller about some minor problems in the shop’s account. He had taken advantage of the fact that Jason was coming to the shop that morning (which he usually didn’t, as he was at the institute) to go to the bank, so he wouldn’t open the shop too late if it took longer than expected. What he hadn’t expected, though, was to be this late, and he hadn’t warned Jason about it. Gary wasn’t too worried about it, though, because he was sure that Howard would be with him.

Tired of waiting and extremely bored, he turned around to look through the window. There were a lot of people in the street, this time of day. He liked to look at the people and try to imagine where they were going or where they came from: the old man with the dog was just taking a walk; the woman with the shopping bags was clearly coming from the supermarket; shouldn’t those kids be at school right now?... He next fixed his gaze on a corpulent man of about fifty-five with a green jacket and nothing in his hands at the other end of the street, it was hard to guess where he was going. But he seemed to be in a kind of hurry, he was walking fast and had an annoyed expression on his face. His face. Gary waited for the man to be nearer to really look at his face, because he really looked familiar.

Gary only had to look at him for a few seconds to recognise him and then his heart skipped a beat. What if...? Would that man be the one who had been stalking Jason? Gary hadn’t seen him, but he remembered Jason describing him as a big man, about the same age as this one was. But how come Jason hadn’t recognized him? He had said that he looked familiar, though.

A million thoughts rumbled in Gary’s head as a bad feeling spread across his chest. That man was walking in the direction of the shop. Yes, he could be going to a million different places, or it could even not be him, but that didn’t deny the fact that this man was walking in the shop’s direction. Gary immediately took the phone out of his jacket and dialled Jason’s number. He waited, but Jason didn’t pick up. He would probably have it on vibration and left forgotten in his jacket’s pocket, as always. He decided to try with Howard. He waited again, and nothing. Just as he was about to hung up, Howard picked it up.

“Hey, Gaz, sorry it took me so long to pick it up, I was on a meeting. Is there something wrong?”

“What do you mean, in a meeting? Aren’t you in the shop?” Gary put his hand on his mouth on a nervous gesture, as the situation was getting more complicated by the second.

“No, I had to go to a club, but I’m on my way there now... Wait a minute, aren’t  _you_  in the shop?”

“God, no, I’m not. Is Jay at the shop?”

“Yes, he is. Are you telling me he is there alone?”

“Howard, we have to hurry” Gary said just as he walked out of the bank and practically started running toward the shop.

“Ok...” Howard sounded really worried, as if he didn’t know what to do but was trying to keep calm, “I’m sure he’ll be alright but I’ll be as fast as I can, just let me...”

“No, Howard, you don’t get it, it’s more complicated than that. I just saw a man that I think could be the one that attacked Jason, and he was going in the shop’s direction.”

“What? How do you know it’s him?” Howard was verging on hysterics now.

“Because I know him from before. And it’s not the first time he’s after Jay”

**********

As Mrs. Bishop left the shop after a good while examining every single object in the shop, Jason looked at his watch again. Another half an hour had passed and there was still no sign of Gary. He had felt his mobile vibrating on his trousers’ pocket while Mrs. Bishop paid, but he was sure it was Howard just to check on him. Better not to call him back and tell him he was alone or he would have a heart attack. And he would be right, it was too dangerous. Jason felt guilty when he decided to close the door and wait for Gary or Howard to arrive, but it was the only sensible thing to do, he couldn’t take the risk of being all alone in a place where anyone could enter freely.

Just as he was approaching the door to lock it, it opened abruptly and someone entered in a hurry. Jason froze as he saw that it was that man again, who closed the door behind him and put the bolt across.

“Well, we meet again, finally” the man said with an ironical smile on his face. “And no one’s going to interrupt us this time”.


	7. Chapter 7

Jason instinctively recoiled a couple of steps, but stood firmly in front of the man.

“What do you want?” Jason asked, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“So you really don’t remember about me? I know I have changed a lot, but I would have thougth you, of all people, would remember”

Jason didn’t say anything, as he was mentally calculating possible escape routes. But there was only one exit from the shop and the man was standing right in front of it. Jason’s mobile was on the counter, but he knew it was impossible to reach it and use it before the man stopped his moves.

“You don’t have changed that much, though. You still look as pretty as you did when you were just a kid”

The way the man said “pretty” did it, and Jason remembered everything about him all of a sudden: how at first he had tried to be nice with the man that was a regular costumer at the pub and always called him “pretty”, how the man had misinterpreted his actions and had wanted more of him, how he had kindly but firmly rejected him, how the man had started hounding him to the point of overwhelming him, how he couldn’t get rid of him, how the situation had turned unsustainable...

“It’s not very nice of you to forget everything we had together...”

“There was nothing between us” Jason answered firmly.

“Oh, so now you remember?”

“Yes, I do. But I still don’t know what do you want from me now”

“You are just as thick as you were then, too, I see, just a pretty face. I came here to get what I didn’t the other time”

Jason swallowed nervously, but still refused to let the other man see he was scared. The man, seeing as Jason wasn’t going to answer, kept on speaking, now advancing towards Jason at the same time.

“You knew I was interested in you and you just let me follow you around like a puppy until you just disappeared. That was not very nice of you, don’t you think?”

“I never built your hopes up. In fact, I made it quite clear that night you tried to force me in the pub’s back alley”

“Force you? Come on, we were just fooling around, you wanted it as much as I did”

“No, I didn’t. I never did”

In a quick movement the man stood just in front of Jason and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

“Don’t even try to deny the smiles and the constant flirting... or how you accepted all my gifts”

“I was not flirting, I was just trying to be nice. And about the gifts... you know as well as I do, because you were his friend, that Nigel forced me to accept them if I didn’t want to be fired from his pub and I really needed the job. But I would have never wanted anything with you”

Jason’s words enraged the man greatly and with an enormous strength caused by corpulence of his body, the man turned their positions around, still holding Jason by the collar, and slammed him against a glass cabinet. The glass from the door’s cabinet broke, and the small pieces resulting fell on Jason, provoking numerous little cuts all over his face and arms and a deeper cut on the top of his head, that started bleeding profusely across the side of his head and his face. The man didn't bat an eyelid about it and continued shaking Jason.

“Cocky boy, am I not good enough for you? You made me believe you wanted me and then you just disappeared without a word”

“I just wanted to put an end to your harassing, be glad I didn’t report you”

The man’s fury grew up by the minute and he threw such a hard punch on Jason’s face that it split his bottom lip. Then he grabbed him by the neck with one hand so strongly that he almost lifted Jason’s feet from the floor while Jason tried unsuccessfully to escape from his grip.

“I wasn’t harassing you, I gave you everything!”

Jason knew better than to contradict him again and didn’t say anything –not that he would have been able to if he had wanted, because the grip the man kept on his neck hardly let him breath, let alone speak. The man, though, still had a lot to say.

“You were everything for me then, I gave you everything, and you destroyed it all. And look, it must be destiny or karma, because almost twenty years later I find you again”

“Please, you’re choking me” Jason said as loud as he could with the little breath he had, but it only came as a whisper that the man ignored.

“And now you’re going to give me what I came here from, what you didn’t give me twenty years ago”

With that the man loosened his grip on Jason’s neck just a bit and forced his lips on Jason’s in an unwilling kiss. Jason felt a wave of surprise, repugnance and rage growing inside of him on feeling this man’s lips on his, so with all the strength he was capable of he lifted his knee and threw a kick aiming at the man’s middle.

It was enough to surprise the man and make him let go of him as he doubled over slightly at the pain, though not enough to really hurt him, so Jason threw a strong punch on the man’s face. This one was more efficient as it made him lose his balance for a second and hit the bookshelves behind him, causing for it to be knocked over and for the things on it to fell over both of them. A heavy marble figure hit Jason’s knee as it fell, but Jason didn’t waste any time lamenting and started running towards the door, not waiting to see the state of his attacker.

He was as fast as he could across the shop, but it turned out that the blow to his leg had been harder than he had thought and it seemed that his knee wasn’t supporting him as it should, making him slower and giving the man enough time to reach him again and push him with all his might before he was even near the door. Jason hit heavily on the piano in the middle of the shop, knocking it over and landing on top of it. The bad fall caused a great pain on Jason’s left side and a cracking noise on his left arm that told him that he had broken it. The man, who didn’t seem to be much hurt from the punches or the bookshelf incident, grabbed Jason by the collar again and aggressively lifted him up to his feet, getting an small whimper of pain from Jason as his broken arm moved around.

“Oh, so you like it rough, don’t you? Well, that’s what you’re gonna get”

The man looked at the door and noticed that although no one was on the street right now, they could be seen from the outside at any moment, so he decided he had to be more discreet if he didn’t want to be interrupted. With Jason still in his grip, he practically dragged him behind the counter and without prior warning, he threw him on the floor, bumping Jason’s forehead on the counter on his way down. Jason didn’t lose consciousness but the blow to his head slowed his thinking and his movements down and he felt as if a fog had entered his brain and didn’t let him think clearly.

He felt disoriented for a second and wondered what he was doing lying on his back on the floor. He didn’t have much time to think, though, when he felt the man straddle his hips and a hand holding his neck in place again and it all came back to him: he still had to fight.

The man leant down to kiss him again, but this time Jason saw it coming and grabbed a stapler from the counter’s shelf with his uninjured hand and slammed it against the man’s head. The man let out a loud cry of pain but didn’t move from his place, instead grabbing Jason’s hand, taking the stapler off him and giving Jason a vicious punch on his stomach for good measure. Jason felt all the air leave his body and he couldn’t draw a breath. He tried to turn around to his side to make the breathing easier, but the man straddling him kept him from doing so.

“I don’t know why you are making this so difficult, when we both know you want it as much as I do” with that the man leant down again and this time he captured Jason’s lips. Jason was having enough trouble breathing as it was, so he squirmed underneath the man and tried to turn his head to the side. This only made the man smile as he looked down on Jason’s scared eyes.

“Ok, so you’re not one for kisses. No problem, we’ll do it your way”

The man lifted from Jason just a bit so he could roughly turn him around, face down on the floor. By then Jason, who was badly injured and practically at the limit of his strength, still struggled to escape from him, but the man cruelly pressed his head to the floor with a hand, restricting his movements. Jason felt there was nothing he could do to prevent this man from getting what he wanted from him anymore and a lonely tear slipped from his eye and made its way down his bloodstained cheek.

**********

Gary, panting from walking too fast the long way from the bank, was just reaching the shop when a familiar car roughly parked almost right in front of the shop, his owner completely ignoring the no-parking sign on the wall. The car had hardly stopped when the driver jumped from it, worry all over his face as he looked at Gary.

“Are you arriving just now?” Howard said without waiting for an answer, walking fast towards the door.

“Yes, I’m sorry, I was as fast as I could”

“I know, Gaz” Howard said while trying to open the locked door. “Look, it’s locked. Looks like Jason had good sense for once and decided to wait for you”

The morning sun reflecting the street and themselves on the shop’s windows made it impossible for them to see the inside of the shop, so they didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. Howard looked relieved and not as nervous as a second before as he knocked on the door. “Jay?” he said, loud, to make himself heard from the inside. However, nothing happened. “Jay, it’s us, you can open the door now” When he received no answer he turned to Gary. “He must be absorbed in one of his books on the back room. Do you have the key?”

“Yes, of course, let me get it” Gary said, as he looked for the keys in his pocket and moved to unlock the door.

**********

The man noticed the weakening of Jason’s movements underneath him and was just struggling with Jason’s belt when he heard voices just outside. He recognised one of the voices as that of the man that had chased him down the street a few weeks ago, Jason’s partner. He stopped abruptly, waiting to see what happened, relatively calm in the knowledge that the door was locked.

When Howard called for Jason from the outside, the man leant over Jason’s back and covered his mouth with his hand as he whispered in his ear.

“Make a sound and I swear to you I will kill your hubby”.

Jason very much preferred being the one getting hurt over Howard getting hurt in any way, so he obeyed and didn’t so much as move a hair. The man stayed still awaiting for Jason's partner to go away. But then he heard him asking the other guy for the key and knew that he had no other option than making a run for it and hoping the element of surprise would be on his side.

He quickly got up from Jason and he hissed: “Don’t you dare make a sound” and he gave him a vicious kick on his side to leave him breathless again. He ran to the door and just as Gary turned the lock around, the man grabbed the door to open it widely and make a run to the street, colliding with Howard’s shoulder and sending him to the floor.

‘Hey!’ Howard exclaimed while watching the man’s back, trying to understand what had just happened. Just as realization hit his mind and a bad feeling spread across his chest, he stood up and made a move to follow the man, but Gary’s soft voice from the shop stopped him on his tracks.

‘Howard’ Gary’s voice was full of surprise and something else. Fear? Whatever it was, it was enough to attract Howard’s attention and he stepped in the shop next to Gary, who had not moved from the doorstep.

The sight that met their eyes was one they would never forget. It almost looked as if a cyclone had made its way through the shop: a bookshelf had been knocked over, all the books and things it had contained spread across the floor; there were fragments of glass all over the floor, from the door of a glass cabinet that had been broken; and the piano lay knocked over and ruined in the middle of the shop. Howard registered all this information just an instant before he acknowledged the absence of the person he loved most in the world anywhere he looked.

 


	8. Chapter 8

 “Jay!” Howard screamed, panicked now as he imagined the worst possible scenario. “Jason!” he cried again, unable to keep the terror from his voice as he started running around the shop. This seemed to get Gary out of his stupor and he started looking for his best mate too, now almost as terrified as Howard.

Jason was still lying behind the counter. He knew his aggressor had left, he had heard his running footsteps out and the opening of the door. He had heard Gary’s voice as he called for Howard, and had heard the fear in his boyfriend’s voice too as he called for him. But the kick to his side had left him winded and as much as he tried, he didn’t seem to be able to find the breath to call for help.

“How” he said in a barely audible voice. “Howard, I’m here” he tried again, and this time, though soft, his voice reached his boyfriend’s alert ears.

“Behind the counter!” Howard exclaimed, more to himself than to Gary, but Gary followed him nonetheless. Howard ran towards the area where he had heard the voice he adored so much with their friend close at his heels.

“Oh, my God!” Howard exclaimed without even thinking about it when he saw the state his boyfriend was in. Jason has managed to turn himself on his back again, but had been unable to lift even his head, the pain was so bad, and his face was covered in blood and bruises (he suspected it would not only be his face, but it was the only part of his body that he could see, as the rest was covered by his clothes).

“Oh, God, please, be okay” Howard thought to himself as he kneeled at one side of him, Gary at the other, and he gently lifted his upper body and let Jason lean on him. Howard only wanted to hug his love with all his might, but he was afraid of hurting him further, so instead he gave his temple a gentle kiss while stroking his hair. Just then Howard realized Jason’s face was marked with the path of shed tears, but he was not crying at that moment. Howard knew Jason was being brave for them, and he loved him even more just for this.

“I’ll call an ambulance” Gary’s voice broke the silence. He had not spoken a word since he had called for Howard when seeing the disaster and Howard could tell that he was really shaken too. After all, Jason had been his best mate for over twenty years. But now it looked as if he was regaining composure and starting to think practically.

“No” Jason managed to say, now that he was getting his breath back.

“Love, what do you mean “no”?” Howard asked him gently, looking intently at his face while continuing to hold him lovingly to his chest. “You’re hurt, we need to get you to a doctor”

Jason looked intently at Howard, as if it was difficult to him to find the right words. Howard was starting to worry that maybe he had received too big a blow to his head, but then Jason managed to answer slowly. “I know, I just don’t want to cause a scene. Gary’s car is parked just outside”

“Maybe it would be better if we let an ambulance…”

“No!” Jason exclaimed abruptly. “Just take me to the hospital yourself, please”

Tears were forming in his eyes again and Howard’s heart broke at the sight of his normally confident and calm boyfriend so hurt, physically and emotionally. Of course he couldn’t deny him anything, much less in this situation.

“Ok, ok, easy” Howard hugged him carefully against his chest. ‘”It’s alright, I’ve got you now. We’ll do whatever you want. Our car is even nearer, we’ll take ours. I’ll carry you there, shall I?”

“No, just help me up, please, I don’t want people staring at me, please” Jason pleaded again. It looked as if anything he said was a plea, as if he was asking for mercy at every chance, as if he didn’t know that Howard would never hurt him or force him to do anything. Of course he knows, Howard tried to convince himself, he’s just too frightened right now to see things clearly.

“Ok, love, whatever you feel like to. Do you think you can walk?”

“Yes, just help me up”

Howard grabbed him below his arms as Gary took his left arm. Jason gasped involuntarily and moved his hand away from Gary.

“I think my arm is broken” he said, apparently more to himself than to the others.

“Oh, Jay, I’m so sorry, mate” Gary lamented, feeling horrible for having hurt his friend even more, although involuntarily. He didn’t know how to help, so he let Howard take most of Jason’s weight as he lifted him from the floor. As soon as Jason’s weight rested on his own legs again, his knees buckled beneath him and would have fallen to the floor if not for the quick intervention of both Howard and Gary, who grabbed him and supported him as best they could.

“My knee is hurt too” he informed the other two. Howard picked Jason’s uninjured arm and put it around his own shoulders so he could support most of Jason’s weight, and he put his arm around his boyfriend’s waist. Howard tried to ignore Jason hissing in pain again as his arm touched his bruised ribs.

“Ok, love, now one step at a time, there’s no rush, ok?” Howard tried to sound calm for Jason’s sake, though actually he was consumed with panic by both Jason’s physical and emotional state. The important thing now was to get him to a hospital and make sure there was no really serious damage, although by the way Jason let himself be led and supported, Howard knew he was badly battered. They slowly began to make their way out of the shop as Gary ran ahead of them getting things out of the way for them to pass.

“I’ll go with you” Gary told them when they were reaching the door.

“No, you have to stay, someone has to keep the shop open” Jason said, with some difficulty.

“What? I couldn’t care less about the shop now, Jay, the important thing now is you”

“But the shop…” It was clear that Jason was not making much sense, maybe from the blow to his head, or the trauma of the situation.

“Seriously, mate, don’t worry about the shop. Besides, there’s some arranging to do before we can open again…”

Jason looked around the shop and noticed for the first time the state it was in. This time not only tears came to his eyes, but sobs shook his body.

“I’m sorry, Gaz, I couldn’t do anything to protect it! I tried but I couldn’t!” he cried as Howard hugged him to his chest, shaken by his partner’s mental state.

“Hey” Gary cupped Jason’s cheek in his hand, trying to speak as calmly and reassuring as possible. “Mate, it’s okay, it wasn’t your fault. ‘Sides, it’s nothing we can’t fix, we’ve had worse…”

“But look at your piano…” Jason insisted.

“Jay, it’s just a piano, it doesn’t matter to me as long as you’re alright, okay?”

“Ok”

“Now let’s go”

Gary opened the door for them and Howard helped his injured boyfriend out and to the car that was parked just outside. By now Jason was walking by inertia as he seemed to be reaching the limit of his endurance: his eyes were closed and his head bent down. By now Howard was so worried that he felt every beat of his own heart, so hard it was beating.

“Gaz, do you mind driving? I want to go in the backseat with Jay, in case he needs me or something”

“Sure. Do you have the keys?”

Howard reached for his pocket with his free hand and produced the keys, which he rapidly gave to Gary so he could open the car and they could start to accommodate the injured man. Howard protected Jason’s head with his hand as he carefully got him into the car, Jason not being able to do much to help. Once he was as comfortable as possible, Howard entered the car and sat next to him, immediately taking hold of him and hugging him to his chest trying to support him not only against the physical pain but against the emotional one too. Gary didn’t lose a second once everyone was settled: he started the car and drove to the hospital as calmly as possible considering he was transporting his best friend who had been beaten mercilessly by a madman.

***********

As soon as they reached the hospital, Gary offered to go get someone to help them and maybe a wheelchair. Howard, meanwhile, stayed at the car with Jason, holding him as best he could and offering comfort through soft kisses to his forehead and gentle strokes to his arm. Jason had his eyes closed, but was neither asleep nor unconscious. Howard wondered if that was because of the physical pain or the need to shut out the world.

“Howard” Jason’s voice was so soft that his boyfriend wasn’t sure if he had really heard him or just imagined it. He decided to try answering.

“Yes, love?”

Jason opened his eyes a bit and looked at Howard’s face intensely.

“It was that man” Jason didn’t need to elaborate further for Howard to understand what he meant. Howard closed his eyes for a second trying to calm himself before answering, because he knew he needed to be strong for Jason, and that included keeping calm.

“I know, love, I saw him getting out”

A long pause went between them before Howard kissed Jason’s temple again and murmured in his hair. “If the police had done something, none of this would have happened…. Or if I hadn’t left you alone…”

With that, Jason made a big effort to sit up and put his uninjured hand over his boyfriend’s cheek and look him straight in the eyes.

“Don’t even think about feeling guilty, love, this is not your fault. I know you would do anything to protect me, I know you would do anything to prevent me getting hurt, but I also know, and you know too, that this man was just waiting for the right moment. If it hadn’t happened today it would have been any other day. You can’t always protect me”

Howard couldn’t contain himself any longer and a tear escaped his eye to roll down his cheek. Jason’s finger stopped it and he gently embraced Howard with his uninjured arm, this time being him who offered the support.

“I wish I could have protected you… This should not have happened”

“I know, love… But now you can do something for me”

“Just say the word”

“I need you to not leave me for a second, to stay by my side. Could you do that?”

“Nothing could keep me away from you, love”

Jason gave a little contented smile and rested his head against Howard’s chest, completely exhausted.

Just then there was a knock on the car’s window next to Howard’s head and the door opened. Gary was there with a wheelchair and a young man Howard supposed was a hospital porter. He nodded gratefully at Gary as he got out of the car and leant down to help Jason out too. He practically lifted him entirely and sat him down on the chair to start towards the building.

Jason was not ready to break the contact yet, though, and took Howard’s hand in a strong grip with his uninjured one. Howard, who was as reluctant to let go of Jason as Jason himself was, he just walked next to him, holding his hand and offering all of his support.

*********

As the group reached the entrance of the emergency department at the hospital, the porter asked Howard and Gary to stay in the waiting room as he took Jason to be seen inside. Jason’s eyes opened widely in terror for a second at the thought of being away from Howard, but he quickly tried to mask it for Howard’s sake, as he knew Howard would never be convinced to stay there if he saw he was scared.

“No, I want to go with him, he needs me” Howard tried to convince the young man, pointing at Jason’s hand in his.

“I’m sorry, but it’s the rules. From what I can see, your friend...” the porter started.

“He’s my partner” Howard interrupted, looking offended.

“Ok, I’m sorry. From what I can see, your partner is going to need quite a bit of treatment to his injuries, and the sooner you let us do it, the sooner you can be with him again” the porter explained calmly, as if he was quite used to give that speech.

“How, honey” Jason’s small voice caught Howard’s attention, who squatted next to him, as Jason deliberately let go of his hand to cup his cheek “I’ll be okay, don’t worry, just wait for me here and try not to make everyone crazy around here with your impatience”

Howard smiled at him and slowly nodded. He leant over to give a quick peck on Jason’s lips but in the last second Jason turned his face to the side just a little so Howard ended kissing his cheek. Jason lovingly caressed Howard’s face for a second and then the porter pushed his wheelchair through the door.

Howard stayed crouched for a second, looking at the retreating back of his love long after he could see him. He felt somehow disturbed about what had just happened. Had Jason avoided his kiss on purpose or just happened to move his head at that same moment? Would that mean he was blaming Howard for not being there when he needed him although he had told him he wasn’t? But then he had tenderly caressed his face, and that’s not something you do to someone you are angry with. Yes, it probably had just been all a misunderstanding. Somehow, that thought didn’t make Howard feel better.

Meanwhile, as Jason made his way through a long corridor, he was thinking about the same thing. He had purposely avoided Howard’s lips, but not because he was angry at him or blaming him of anything: although he knew it was impossible, he was still feeling that man’s breath on his mouth and he felt so dirty that he couldn’t possibly kiss Howard’s lips and make them dirty too, he didn’t deserve that. Just as he didn’t feel he deserved Howard’s love anymore. With that thought in his head as he entered the room where he was going to be treated, he felt more scared and alone than he had ever felt.


	9. Chapter 9

Gary laid a comforting hand on Howard’s shoulder, who was still crouched in front of the door trough which Jason had disappeared. Howard reacted at the contact and stood up just before covering his face with both his hands and letting a long and shaking sigh. Now that Jason wasn’t there to be strong for, Howard was finding it very difficult to control his emotions. Gary could see that, so he squeezed his shoulder again while looking for strategies to keep him occupied.

“Why don’t you go to the entrance counter to give all the information they need while I call Mark?”

Howard uncovered his face, sighed again and slowly nodded.

“Maybe you could call the police, too?”

“Sure”

So as Howard approached the nurse standing at the admissions counter, Gary grabbed his phone and breathed deeply. Although Gary was Jason’s best mate, Mark was very close to him too, and it would not be easy to give him this kind of news. Finally he took courage and dialled Mark’s number.

Mark picked it up almost immediately and answered in a hushed tone.

“Hey, Gaz, I’m at work, is there something wrong?”

“Em... yes, it’s important, can we talk for a minute?”

“Em... sure, wait a second while I get someone to take my place” Gary waited a minute for Mark to do the necessary arrangements to speak to him. Gary never called him at work, it had to be really serious for him to do that. “Ok, what’s up? You seem worried”

“Well, it’s Jay... Something’s happened”

Mark felt as if a hand was gripping his guts as a feeling of unease took hold of him.

“What’s happened? Is he okay?”

“Well, we are at the hospital right now, he is being treated at this moment”

“Oh my God, is it that serious?”

“We don’t know yet, he was pretty battered but... Well, he’s conscious and talking, I mean, it’s nothing life-threatening, don’t worry” Gary tried to reassure Mark, as he had the feeling that he was scaring him more than anything.

“But what the hell happened?”

“The man who has been harassing him attacked him at the shop while he was alone and gave him quite a beating”

“Oh my God... oh my God, does Howard know?”

“Yes, yes, he’s here, we both found Jay”

“How’s Howard doing? And how are you?”

“I’m okay, love, don’t worry, a little shaken but I’m alright. Howard, though, is staying strong for Jay but I can tell he’s devastated”

“You know what? I’m coming over, Jay and Howard need all our support”

“Can you leave the bank now?”

“Yes, I’m sure there won’t be any trouble, I’ve been working overtime lately anyway. I’ll just tell them it’s an emergency”

“Ok, I’ll see you here, then”

“I won’t be long. Give Howard all my love”

“I will... And... Mark?”

“Yes?”

 “I love you” Gary felt so shaken about what had happened that he felt he needed to make sure Mark knew about his feelings.

“I love you too”

Gary hung up the phone and breathed deep before making the even more difficult call to the police.

*********

When Gary finished talking to the police, Howard had already finished with the admission forms and was sitting in the waiting room, eyes fixed in some unknown point ahead of him, arms falling to his sides: he was the image of a broken man. He didn’t even react as Gary sat by his side, as if he hadn’t noticed it, and Gary decided not to say anything for a minute, to let him put his thoughts in order before making him talk.

“Jay said he doesn’t blame me” Howard said, no taking his eyes away from the wall in front of him. He had noticed him at his side, after all. Gary sighed, not quite sure how to help his friend, but willing to try.

“That’s because you’re not to blame”

“He shouldn’t have been alone”

“Then it’s my fault too, I wasn’t there either”

“You couldn’t know”

“Neither could you”

Howard looked at Gary intently, desperate to believe him so he could alleviate the guiltiness that weighted in his heart. But he had a lot of anger inside of him that he had to take care of somehow, and without that monster within his reach to vent his anger on, he only had himself to direct that feeling at.

“At the car he was worrying about me feeling guilty. With all he had gone through and how hurt he was, he was still worrying about me”

“He loves you more than anything, he will always care for you above everything else, even himself. Just like you do with him”

Howard ignored Gary’s words, he didn’t want to be comforted, he wasn’t ready to be forgiven yet.

“He only asked me one thing, just one: not to leave his side, to stay with him. And not even five minutes later, I let him down on that one too”

“Howard, you couldn’t go with him and he understood, he told you so himself. And you haven’t let him down on anything”

“I’m his partner, I was supposed to protect him”

“Exactly, you are his partner, not his bodyguard or his guardian angel. You did everything you could and more, but you can’t be everywhere, you can’t know everything, you can’t always protect him”

Howard’s eyes glistened with unshed tears.

“That’s the same thing he told me”

Gary couldn’t stand seeing his friend like this and put his arm around Howard’s shoulders.

“That’s because it’s the truth and he knows it. And deep down you know it too, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. I know Jay, it would kill him if he saw you suffering like this”

“I know, but I can’t help feeling like this”

“Then you have to try. He’s going to need you more than he ever has, and in order to help him you’ll have to forgive yourself first so you can focus on making him better. Otherwise you both are going to sink”

Howard took a moment to assimilate Gary’s words and gave a long sight before answering.

“You’re right. You are completely right, the only thing that’s important now is for him to get better and for us to put all that behind us, and I have to be a hundred per cent okay and strong so he can lean on me”

Howard rubbed his eyes to get rid of the tears that there were still there and gave Gary a shaky smile. He seemed calmer somehow, more in peace with himself, and Gary was glad he had been able to help. Slightly embarrassed for such a display of emotion, Howard decided to change the subject.

“Did you call the police?”

“Yes, I did. They told me they would send someone here as soon as they could to talk to us”

“If the doctors ask for me and I’m inside when they arrive...”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. In fact, I don’t think either you or Jay are up to dealing with them right now, and I can tell them the same as you, we arrived at the same time”

“Ok, thank you so much, for everything, Jay couldn’t ask for a better mate, or me, for that matter”

Gary smiled at Howard and gave a last squeeze on his shoulder before letting go of him. Some minutes passed without any of them saying anything, both absorbed in their own thoughts in a comfortable silence. But then Howard remembered something, and he had to ask.

“Wait a minute, Gaz, I just remembered, when we spoke on the phone you said you knew that man from before”

Gary sighed and slowly nodded. He had forgotten he had told Howard that, too, and was not looking forward to explaining everything.

“And you said this is not the first time he’s after Jay”

Gary nodded again and as he was about to begin with the story, Mark appeared round the corner in a hurry, looking around until he saw them and he approached them. He planted a kiss on Gary’s cheek and then crouched in front of both of them, a hand on each one.

“How is he?”

“We don’t know anything yet” Howard answered softly.

“But he’ll be alright, I’m sure” Gary added looking meaningfully at Mark, who took the hint.

“Of course, he’ll be alright, there’s no one stronger that Jason, you know that” Mark said a bit too cheerfully as he sat down on the other side of Howard, not really knowing what to say more.

Not more than a minute later, a woman came out of the door through which Jason had disappeared.

“Any relatives of Jason Orange?”

Howard jumped from his seat with Mark and Gary close at his heels and approached the woman he supposed would be the doctor.

“I’m his partner. How is he?”

“He’s completely out of danger, so you don’t have to worry. Now if you come with me, I’ll take you to him, but only one of you, please”

Howard turned to Gary and Mark, as if apologizing for leaving them there. Gary noticed his hesitation and decided to make things easier for him.

“You go to him, don’t worry, we’ll stay here and wait for the police, ok?”

“Ok, I feel terrible to do it but I have one more favour to ask”

“Of course, man, what is it?”

“Could one of you go to our place and grab some clothes for Jay? I don’t want him having to wear that bloodstained and dirty clothes again”

“Yes, of course, I’ll go right away” Mark volunteered immediately.

“Thank you” Howard smiled at him, really grateful.

“You’ll give him all our love, won’t you?” Mark asked.

“Of course I will. Thanks for everything, guys”

Howard accompanied the doctor through the corridor up to a big room full of closed curtains behind which rested the patients being treated of their injuries. The doctor walked decidedly towards one of them and entered, Howard following closely. There was Jason, laying on the bed, clearly restless and nervous, keeping an eye on everything happening around him with wide eyes. When he saw Howard, however, he immediately relaxed and motioned for him to get nearer. Howard obeyed without complaint and put a hand to Jason’s forehead to caress the hair that felt on it, mindful of the big bruise forming there from when Jason had hit the counter.

“Hey gorgeous” Howard said with a soft voice full of love and devotion. “How are you feeling?”

Jason didn’t say a word, but grabbed Howard’s hand in his in a strong grip in response, while looking at him in the eye. The doctor took the silence as an encouragement to start her explanation about Jason’s injuries.

“Well, as I already explained to Mr. Orange, he has a broken arm but it was a clean fracture, so we’ve already put it in a cast that he’ll have to wear for about six weeks. His knee is not that bad, just battered from the blow it received, but with a bit of rest and keeping it as straight as possible for a few days, it will be alright. We had to put some stitches to a cut on his head because it was quite deep and had bled profusely, but it’s not too serious either”

Howard looked as if he was having trouble processing so much information about so many injuries, so the doctor took a second before continuing with her explanation.

“His ribs are pretty bruised and one of them is slightly cracked, but it shouldn’t be a problem if he is careful and it does not break completely. It’s going to be quite painful for the next few days, so don’t play hero and have painkillers whenever you need them” she added, this time addressing Jason.

“I’ll make sure he does, doctor” Howard said as he smiled fondly at Jason, who still hadn’t said a word.

“And at last there’s the blow to his head. He has a small concussion, that’s why he’s a bit disoriented and confused, but there’s no fractured skull nor was he unconscious, so it’s not a big deal, again all he needs is a lot of rest and some painkillers. We want to make sure there’s no complications to it, though, so we are just going to make an MRI, just to be on the safe side, so you’re going to have to be here a while yet”

“Ok, as long as he is okay” Howard told caressing Jason’s forehead again.

“Now the nurse is going to clean all these little glass cuts on his face and arms so they don’t get infected. Mr...”

“Donald”

“Mr. Donald, could I see you for a minute while the nurse starts with the cleaning?”

Howard looked confused with the request, but immediately turned to follow the doctor, afraid there was something more to Jason’s health she didn’t want to say in front of him. Jason’s grip in his hand, though, didn’t falter one bit; on the contrary, he squeezed Howard’s hand more strongly when he realised his boyfriend was leaving his side. Howard turned to look at him and brushed his lips on Jason’s forehead.

“Sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere, I just have to talk to the doctor, I will be right back, ok?” As he said this he directed Jason’s hand to his lips and kissed it, just before losing the grip and tenderly letting it rest on Jason’s chest. Just as the doctor had said, Jason looked really confused, as if any though crossing his mind would take a lot more time than usual to be processed. But he finally understood what Howard told him and nodded at him, giving him permission to go with the doctor.

“So, what’s the problem?” Howard asked the doctor once they were out of Jason’s earshot.

“Well... physically there’s no more problem that what I already told you, he’s going to be in quite a bit of pain on the following days, but he’ll be alright. It’s his mental state I’m more worried about. I understand he has been attacked, right?”

“Yes, but he’s an incredibly strong and level-headed person, I’m sure he’s going to be alright. I’m sure he’s pretty much just confused because of the blow to his head...”

“Don’t underestimate the effects such a traumatic experience can cause. Yes, he is disoriented right now because of the concussion, and that could explain the little he’s talking or the need to be in direct contact with you because he’s overwhelmed by all the things happening around him and you’re his source of familiarity and strength. He’ll be better tomorrow about this, that’s for sure. But don’t fall in the security that what he’s feeling is only because of physical causes because it’s not”

**********

After they took Jason to do the MRI, they brought them back to the bed where Howard was waiting impatiently for him after having been outside to collect Jason’s clothes from Mark and tell them what the doctor had said. He instantly took the chair next to the bed and sat down on it, as close to the bed as it was physically possible, and took hold of Jason’s uninjured hand, who smiled slightly at him and squeezed his hand in return.

“How are you doing, love?”

“I’m okay, stop worrying about me”

“Isn’t worrying a boyfriend’s prerogative or something?” Howard joked, getting a small smile out of Jason.

“Is Gary still at the hospital?”

“Yes, and Mark is here too. In fact, he went to get you some clean clothes, he gave them to me as you were having that test”

Jason’s eyes moistened with tears at hearing this, and Howard noticed immediately.

“Hey, sweetie, what’s wrong?”

“They’re just too good to me, I don’t deserve such kindness”

Howard caressed Jason’s cheek with the back of his hand as he spoke calmly and reassuringly.

“They are your friends, they worry about you and they want to help”

“I know”

“Do you want to see them? There can only be one of us here with you, but we could take turns”

“No!” Jason exclaimed a little more forcefully that he intended. “Don’t leave me”

“Okay, don’t worry, I’ll stay with you, I promise”

With that promise Jason seemed to settle down for a bit and closed his eyes in intent of keeping his headache at bay.

They only had to wait a while until the doctor returned with the results of the MRI.

“Mr. Orange, there’s no internal damage to your head, there’s nothing wrong beyond the terrible headache you must be feeling right now, am I right?”

“A little bit”

“However I’d rather you stayed here for the night, just in case”

“No, I want to go home”

“I’d be happier if you stayed so we can keep an eye on you”

Jason looked at Howard with big eyes that asked for help, and he felt he couldn’t deceive him.

“Doctor, you said he only needs rest, and he can do that at home, right?”

The doctor hesitated, but Howard approached her and he whispered to her so Jason couldn’t hear him.

“Doctor, you told me yourself he is not okay and that he’s going to need help. I don’t think being here surrounded by strangers is making him any good. I’m sure he’ll be able to rest better at home with me, with everything he knows, where he can relax”

“I guess you’re right. Head injuries can be tricky, though. Seeing the way you are with him I don’t think I need to tell you this, but you’ll have to keep an eye on him”

Howard smiled a little at this.

“You’re right, you don’t need to tell me this, I’m not letting him out of my sight for a long time”

The doctor smiled too and then addressed to Jason in a louder voice.

“Ok, Mr. Orange, seeing as there’s no brain damage and you weren’t unconscious, I’ll let you go home, but you have to promise me you’re going to behave”

“I will”

“I’ll give you some painkillers and some sleeping tablets, in case you need them. I’ll go and fill the discharge papers to bring them to you. You can start getting dressed in the meantime”

“Thank you, doctor” Howard told her sincerely.

Jason sat up quickly, anxious to get out of the hospital and go home, but hissed when the pain on his ribs increased with the movement. Howard hurried to help him and try not to look at the bruises covering Jason’s side, feeling the anger returning but not wanting it to take possession of him again.

When he was dressed Jason realized he was not going to be able to walk by himself, because of his injured knee and the dizziness caused by the blow to his head, so he leant on Howard and let him lead him through the corridor to the hospital’s exit.

When they arrived to the entrance, they found Gary and Mark still there, waiting for them. They both got up quickly when they saw the couple and approached them. Now that the blood from his face had been cleaned, Jason didn’t look so scary to Gary, but Mark had still not seen him and was quite impressed by the big bruise on his forehead, the plastered arm and the fact he was being supported by Howard. He had to do a great effort to stop the tears that were threatening to fall.

Gary placed his hand on Jason’s uninjured arm and smiled shyly at him.

“Hey, mate, how are you feeling?”

The last thing Jason wanted right now was to make conversation, he only wanted to go home with Howard and be left in peace, but he felt he owed his friends making the effort.

“I’m okay. Look guys, I wanted to thank you for everything, you didn’t have to do so much”

Mark, more recovered of the impression of seeing his friend so hurt, smiled at him and then stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss on his cheek.

“Don’t be silly, you know we love you, right?”

“Yes, I know”

Howard could see Jason was getting uncomfortable being the centre of attention, so he decided to put a gentle end to it and get him home and under his care as soon as possible.

“I’m sorry, guys, but I need to get this one home so he can have a little rest”

“Of course, we’ll go with you to the car, let me help you with the medicines” Mark said as he took the plastic bag off Howard’s hand without waiting for a reply. Gary took Jason’s plastered arm and very carefully he put it around his own shoulders, so he could help Howard walking him to the car.

Once they reached the car, Howard accommodated Jason in the passenger’s seat as best he could and closed the door. Before turning to his own seat, he turned to Gary.

“Did the police come while I was inside with Jay?”

“Yes, they came. As I was a direct witness too, I was able to fill the official complaint, now they only need both your statements just because it’s the procedure, but with what I told them they will start looking for him immediately. Now they have his name, it’s going to be so much easier”

Howard thanked them again for everything and said goodbye to both of them before taking his seat at the car. He smiled at Jason, turned on the engine and started towards home. As much as he was trying to think positively on behalf of Jason, who was drowsing on the passenger seat obviously because of the medication, somehow he had a bad feeling that putting an end to this nightmare was not going to be as easy as Gary thought.


	10. Chapter 10

Howard was practically supporting Jason’s whole weight as they entered the apartment, still holding his uninjured arm around his shoulder as he helped him across the apartment and to the sofa. Very carefully, Howard helped his boyfriend sit down on the sofa. He pretended not to notice how Jason curled around himself, sitting with his knees close to his body and his arms covering them. Howard placed a footstool in front on him and with extreme gentleness he lifted Jason’s legs on the stool and caressed his injured knee while kneeling at his side.

“The doctor said you should keep your knee as straight as possible for it to heal properly, remember? So no more folding your leg, ok?” Howard reprimanded him carefully and gently, almost as if he was talking to a wounded animal.

“Ok” Jason replied sounding very tired.

“Would you like some dinner? You haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast”

“No, thanks, I’m not hungry”

“You sure? How about some tea then? I’m sure something hot will make you feel better”

“You don’t mind?” Jason sounded doubtful again, as if he found it hard to believe someone would make anything good for him. Was he just experiencing the aftermath of the aggression, Howard wondered, or had that man really broken his spirit?

“Of course I don’t mind, you silly, I’m here to take care of you, aren’t I?”

“I guess” Jason replied sounding not very convinced.

“Well, if you’re guessing maybe I’ll have to convince you. Jay, I love you, I really do, more than life itself. I just want to help you, to make you feel better, to spoil you and to wrap you in cotton until you can’t take it anymore. How is that?”

At that, at last, Jason gave a tiny smile and cupped his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Of course I know you love me and you want to take care of me, I’ve never had the tinniest of doubts. I’m just kind of confused, as if my mind wasn’t working properly. Does that make any sense?”

“Of course it does, the doctor said it’s because of the concussion. I’m sure you only need some rest and everything will be better in the morning. How about that tea now?”

“It would be great”

“Ok, your wish is my command, so some tea coming up!”

Howard pretended to carry a tray on his way to the kitchen, walking in a funny way just to make his beloved one laugh. A big smile spread across Jason’s face and Howard’s face lit up when he saw it. But as soon as he was out of the room, the smile left Jason’s face, all pretence forgotten, and he curled around himself once more.

It was like this that Howard found him minutes later as he brought two cups of tea, one for Jason and one for himself. His heart went for Jason as he knew he was far from good, his posture a clear example of that: it looked as if he was trying to protect himself from further damage, or maybe even disappear.

“Love, what did I just tell you about your knee?” Howard told him as he handed him his cup.

“I’m sorry, I keep forgetting” Jason answered as once again he stretched his long legs on the footstool.

Howard sat beside him, hoping Jason would turn to him and curl in his chest, as he usually did when they sat together on the sofa. But that didn’t happen, and Jason remained unmoving. He didn’t even turn his eyes towards the television as Howard switched it on.

It was not much later when Jason, without realizing, bended his knees again near his chest, in the position that had become so common for him in the last hours. Howard sighed but didn’t say anything, he just grabbed Jason’s ankle and tried to disentangle his limbs.

For a moment Jason completely forgot where he was or who he was with and only felt the hand grabbing him and felt absolute panic again as he relived his previous attack.

“Don’t touch me!” he yelled as he covered his head with his arms to protect himself and the cup he was holding went flying to the floor, shattering in a million pieces.

Silence reigned in the apartment for some seconds, and it was difficult to say who of them both was the most surprised. Howard, though, immediately regained his composure and regretted having scared his boyfriend so much.

“Jay, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, I was only trying to…”

Jason broke in sobs as he tried to explain himself.

“I’m sorry, please forgive me, I don’t know what came over me, I know you would never hurt me, I just got scared, I’m sorry, don’t be angry at me, please”

Howard could only hug him as his own heart broke down in pieces at the state of his love.

“Schhh, don’t worry, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have tried to move you without letting you know”

“I don’t want you to think I’m afraid of you, please, don’t think that” Jason had stopped crying, but Howard could tell he was still terrified.

“I know, really, don’t worry, please, calm down before you make yourself sick” Howard tried to calm him, hugging him firmly to his chest while stroking his head.

“I’m just so scared…”

“But you don’t need to be afraid, I’m right here with you now and I guarantee you I’m not letting anyone hurt you ever again”

“I know”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through this”

Jason’s only answer was to rest his head on Howard’s shoulder. He didn’t feel like he deserved to do that, that if Howard knew what had really happened he wouldn’t want anything to do with him, but he desperately needed the security Howard’s arms around him always made him feel.

They stayed in silence for some minutes and finally Howard felt Jason starting to relax in his arms. The last thing he wanted was to upset him again, but they still hadn’t talked about what had happened and he felt that in order to get better, Jason would need to let it all out. Furthermore, they had to speak to the police next day, it would be better for them to have had the chance to discuss it privately.

“Sweetie?” Howard said, tentatively.

“Yes?” Jason answered without lifting his face from Howard’s shoulder.

“Can we talk about what happened?”

Jason didn’t respond, but Howard could feel every muscle of his body tense again at his request. Howard decided to try again, as carefully as possible, all the while caressing the back of his lover’s neck to try and keep him calm.

“The police will want to speak to us tomorrow and we’ll have to explain everything to them. I thought it would be better if you and I could talk about it first”

“I don’t want to talk about it” Jason whispered, hiding his face even more in Howard’s chest.

“But sweetheart...”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it” Jason said more forcefully, before disentangling himself from Howard’s arms and moving to stand up from the sofa.

Howard instinctively grabbed his wrist carefully to stop him from moving, but Jason reacted with a mixture of anger and fear trying to lose the grip.

“Let go of me!”

Howard saw at once that confrontation was not the best option and let go of him, silently pleading for him not to go away.

“I’m sorry. Please, stay here”

“Don’t grab me again”

“I won’t”

“You have no right”

Howard felt hurt at this; he had never needed permission to touch Jason. In fact, they had been very physical with each other from the beginning, even before officially starting seeing each other, and Howard had never been made to feel as if he was crossing a line. He tried not to be offended because he was sure Jason didn’t really mean it, that something was causing this unusual behaviour.

“You never had a problem with that”

Jason looked at Howard defiantly, daring him to say more. Howard faltered for a second, but he knew he had to get to the bottom of this before it really caused a rift between them, so he kept on.

“Did he grab you?”

“Don’t play that game with me”

“Is that it? Did he grab you to restrain you?

“Don’t play with fire if you don’t want to get burned”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Don’t ask about things you don’t want to know”

Howard was trying not to get angry, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to him because of Jason’s provoking attitude. Jason, on the other side, just wanted to make Howard angry at him. He wanted Howard to stop being so good to him when he didn’t deserve it, because Howard’s kindness was only making him feel even worse.

“But of course I want to know them! I want to know why suddenly I can’t touch you or I can’t kiss you! You say you don’t blame me, but you are punishing me!”

Jason was so shocked at Howard’s words that he was left speechless for a second. All the fight in him disappeared and he could only whisper without looking at Howard’s eyes.

“I’m not punishing you. It’s me who should be punished”

Howard had to strain to hear the last part of Jason’s words, so soft they were told.

“What? Why do you say that?”

Jason looked at Howard intently for a second, as if trying to get courage to let it all out, before turning his gaze away from him again.

“Forget it”

“No, I won’t forget it, Jay. Come on, we always have told each other everything”

“This is different, if I tell this, everything will change”

“Nothing is going to change, I love you”

“You don’t get it”

“Then help me get it! Whatever it is, we can get over it”

“No, we can’t...” Tears started falling silently down Jason’s cheeks.

“I know this man hurt you, but that does not have anything to do with what you and I have, so...”

“He tried to rape me, Howard!” Jason cried at last, interrupting his boyfriend and covering his face with his own hands, ashamed. Howard felt like a giant punch had hit him on the chest, leaving him breathless and without the ability to move.

“What?” Howard could only ask, hoping against hope he had not heard correctly.

“He was trying to force me! If you hadn’t arrived when you did, he would have done it!”

Howard felt a lump of anger and vengeance on his gut and another one of tears in his throat that made even thinking so difficult. But he knew he had to stay calm for his boyfriend’s sake, he had to be his pillar of strength in these difficult moments.

“God, Jay...  Why didn’t you say anything, love?”

“Cause I feel so ashamed…”

Howard didn’t know how to react, how to help his suffering partner, so he just hugged him. Jason didn’t resist to it but neither participated in the embrace, simply remaining still with his hands covering his face, elbows on his knees.

“But it was not your fault! You have nothing to be ashamed of. Only he is to blame!”

“But I couldn’t stop him! I should have been stronger, I should have been able to do something!”

“Love, that… monster is so much bigger than you, and you were hurt. How could you possibly stop him?”

Jason broke the embrace and turn to face the wall again, his face dry of tears now, unable to look at Howard’s eyes.

“I feel like I have betrayed you”

“No, my love, it’s not like that”

“I know what you’re going to say, but the truth is that if I didn’t stop it I’m as much to blame as he is. I know you want to help me but I feel dirty and tainted and I don’t feel worthy of your love anymore…” Now that Jason had stopped sobbing, the sadness was so present in his eyes and in his voice that it was almost worse. “So please, stop saying you love me, ‘cause it’s only making me feel even worse”

Howard placed his fingers under Jason’s chin and turned his face around until their eyes locked.

“But it’s the truth, Jay, I love you and…”

“No, please…”

“Listen to me. You are not dirty or tainted and surely you’re not unworthy of my love or anyone’s love by all means. You did nothing wrong and what happened doesn’t change at all the way I feel about you”

“Stop it!” Jason yelled and jumped from his seat, as quickly and gracefully as his injured leg allowed him. With the injury and the hard blow his head had received he swayed a bit and Howard approached him in case he fell, but didn’t dare touch him. “You don’t understand what it is! You don’t know what it feels like to have these hands all over you without having the chance to stop them! You don’t know what it is to feel his breath on the back of your neck when you can’t even move your head because he is pressing it to the floor while trying to undo your pants!” He was in the verge of hysteria now, reliving once again what had taken place only a few hours earlier. Howard approached him a bit more, but Jason kept moving away not wanting to be touched or comforted. “He kissed me, Howard! He kissed my mouth! How can you say it’s not going to change anything?”

With that, his strength finally failed him and he swayed, his knees buckling. Howard moved to stop him from falling and put his arms around him in a supporting embrace. He wasn’t sure if Jason would accept his hug but he could not just stand and watch him so broken so he decided to try. He pulled Jason close to him and wrapped his arms securely around him with the intention of holding him to his chest as long as it was necessary, as long as the terrifying sobs continued. This time Jason accepted the contact and put his own arms around Howard, burying his head in Howard’s chest, the only source of strength and comfort he knew.

“You’re right, love, I don’t know what it is, and it pains me so much that you had to find out that believe me when I say that I could kill him with my bare hands for doing that to you”

“I know”

Howard bended over backwards slightly and gently grabbed Jason’s face with his hands so he could look at him straight in the eyes.

“But listen to me: none of this is your fault, ok?”

“But…”

“No buts. It’s not your fault, and you are so beautiful and perfect to me as you were this morning. There’s nothing anybody can do to change that. Nothing. It was not your fault. Ok?”

Jason nodded ever so slightly as new tears continued to run across his cheeks. Howard hugged him against his chest again.

“I just feel so bad…”

The sadness and the fear were so present in his voice that Howard couldn’t stand it anymore and broke down in tears too, blaming a world that allowed an angel like his boyfriend to suffer like this. He squeezed Jason a bit stronger while caressing his hair, and rocked him slowly while they shared their tears.

“I know, my love, I know”

*****************

Howard sat on the edge of the bed, holding Jason’s hand in his and watching him sleep. It had taken quite a bit of convincing on his part to make Jason see that nothing had been his fault and that Howard didn’t feel cheated at all, that he still loved him with all his heart, and that nothing would change between them. By then, Jason seemed completely exhausted, so Howard had convinced him to take a sleeping pill and go to bed under the promise he would stay at his side until he fell asleep.

And now he was finally asleep, so peaceful at last that Howard didn’t seem to find the motivation to move away from him. He wanted to stay at his side forever, to guard him in his sleep where he was so calm and nothing could hurt him. Looking at him, so serene in his sleep, Howard could almost believe nothing had happened and it was just an ordinary day. But then he noticed the bruise on his boyfriend’s forehead and the cast on his arm and realized nothing was further from the truth.

He sighed tiredly and caressed Jason’s face with the back of his hand before standing up and getting out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar so he could hear Jason if he needed him. He looked at his watch and noticed it was quite late, but not so much as to make it completely inappropriate to make a call. He didn’t feel like sleeping at all, but sitting alone with his thoughts wasn’t a very inviting option either. So finally he took his phone from the coffee table and dialled Gary’s number. He picked it up immediately, so Howard felt relieved he had woken him.

“Hey, man. Everything alright?” Howard smiled fondly at Gary’s instant worry. He was almost as bad with Jason’s welfare as him.

“Yes, don’t worry. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, Mark and I were just trying to watch a movie, but... well, let’s say we find it hard to concentrate on it”

“Yeah, I know what you mean... Listen, I know I don’t have the right to ask anything more out of you...”

“Don’t be silly, Howard, just ask anything you need”

“Could you come over? Jason’s finally asleep and I really don’t feel like being alone. I know it’s pretty late but...”

“Howard, I just told you that we can’t stop thinking about what happened today, we can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. We’ll be there in no time at all”

“You know what? Leave it, it’s too late and...”

“Oh, look, Mark already has our jackets ready, looks like we are coming over...”

Howard chuckled at that, feeling a bit better already.

“Ok, I’ll see you in a while. And... thanks”

“Anytime, mate”


	11. Chapter 11

Mark and Gary lived not too far from Howard and Jason, so they were there no more than ten minutes later.

“Hey guys” Howard greeted them as he opened the door for them. “Thank you so much for coming”

“Don’t be silly, it was no problem at all” Mark answered as he moved to the living room, with Gary and Howard close at his heels. Howard sat on one sofa and Mark and Gary on the other.

“And how is Jay?” Gary asked, obviously still worried about the events of the day.

“He’s sleeping right now. He had to take a sleeping pill, but at least he’s resting, which is what he needs the most right now”

“Of course. Don’t worry, man, he’ll be alright, you’ll see” Mark, always so kind, tried to convince him.

“And how are you, Howard?” Gary asked, always very intuitive about moods and feelings.

Howard hadn’t planned to fall apart in front of his friends, he had just needed their company, but he found out that suddenly he couldn’t stop the tears that sprang to his eyes or the sobs that started shaking his body. He could only hide his face with his hands before completely breaking down.

Gary and Mark looked at each other, quite alarmed, before moving to sit on each side of Howard and putting their arms around him.

“Howard” Gary didn’t want to press him, but he had to know, “is Jason worse than what you told us before?”

“No, no” Howard answered in a broken voice “at least, not physically”

“What does that mean?”

Howard didn’t uncover his face and could only shake his head slightly before finding the words.

“That man didn’t just beat him up”

Realisation crossed Gary’s eyes –not that Howard could see it, with his head down and his face covered, but Mark noticed immediately. Anxious to know what everyone else knew and that it seemed so serious, he pressed Howard for answers.

“What do you mean? What did he do?”

Howard broke down in sobs again and he just shook his head, unable to repeat what Jason had explained to him. Gary squeezed his shoulder and he dared to ask.

“Did that man... Did he tried to... force him?”

Both Mark and Howard looked at Gary, unbelieving. Howard was the first to react.

“How the hell do you know?”

“I told you I already knew that man. I was hoping it hadn’t happened...”

“So...” Mark interrupted, his eyes shiny with unshed tears “is it true?”

“Yes, it’s true” Howard answered his voice breaking at every word. “And now Jay is so messed up... You should have seen him sitting here, saying he feels ashamed and dirty and that he doesn’t deserve my love... He didn’t even want to be comforted because he thinks it’s all his fault...”

Gary closed his eyes for a minute and sighed audibly, trying to control his anger. Mark discreetly dried a tear that had escaped his eyes with the back of his hand.

“And the worst of it is I don’t know how to help him”

“What did you do when he told you all that?” Mark asked, trying to help.

“I told him he’s wrong, I tried to convince him that I love him as much as before... And then I hugged him and cried with him...”

“Then you do know how to help him”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You told him it’s not his fault, so he can begin to believe it. Then you hugged him to show him how much you love him. And you cried with him, so he understood how much you care about him. You can’t expect him to be alright at the first attempt, he’s going to need a lot more than that. But I can see you do know how to help him”

Howard looked at Mark with a trace of hope in his eyes.

“Do you really think so?”

“Of course I do. You are all he needs to get better. And we will help in whatever we can too, of course!”

Howard smiled at him and dried the tears from his eyes and cheeks in a slightly embarrassed manner and turned to Gary.

“I just need one more thing of you”

“Whatever you need”

“I need you to explain everything you know about that man. I need to understand”

“Ok, I’ll explain everything to you. But don’t build your hopes up, I don’t think you’re going to find the answer you’re looking for. What that man did... it has not explanation; not now, not before”

“I just need to know...”

“Ok, here’s the story”

*********

_ “You already know that Jason and I met at college, when were both studying history, right? Well, Jason had just left the family home at the time, not wanting to be a burden to his mother who still had three younger sons to take care of –he’s always been that responsible, our Jay. So he rented a very small flat and found a job to pay for it. _

_ That’s how he ended up working in a downtown pub, where this man, Nigel Martin-Smith –I’ll always remember that man as the creepiest and the most devious creature I’ve ever met– really exploited him: he made him work a lot, gave him the worst shifts, humiliated him whenever he would make a mistake...  I found out later that Nigel hated Jason because he had rejected him when Nigel had made a move on him, even thought he was like twenty years older than Jay. He hadn’t fired him, because he knew Jason’s openness and quick smile where good for the business, but he made sure to make him feel as if he wasn’t good for anything and that he was making him a favour keeping him in the job. Of course Jay is not an idiot or a pushover, but he was so young back then, and Nigel really knew how to hit the nail on the head. _

_ I used to spend quite a lot of time there, just to keep Jay company when he was not that busy. That’s how I know the way Nigel was with him, not because Jay ever complained about anything, you know how he is. But I could see he was getting kind of unhappy: he felt useless, he was alone, he was exhausted for working late and getting up early to go to class... I tried to convince him to leave the job on countless occasions, but he always told me the same: he really needed the money and Nigel paid well. _

_ What Jason didn’t know yet was that working for Nigel included some duties that were not detailed in the contract. There was this man, Walter Hickman was his name, that was a friend of Nigel’s and a regular costumer at the pub. He was also quite wealthy and Nigel and him were planning on expanding the business and turn the pub into a reference club in Manchester. Of course Hickman would be the sleeping partner in the business and would have to make quite an inversion, so Nigel was very set on keeping him happy at any price, giving him anything he wanted. And, unfortunately, he wanted Jason. _

_ Hickman used to go to the pub and sat at the bar, so he could constantly be near Jay. At first Jay was all nice and chatty with him; you know how he is, he’s never met a stranger. But not a lot of time passed before Jay started feeling overwhelmed by the man’s constant attention towards him. He started trying to stay away from him as far as possible without looking rude, but that man was used to get what he wanted and didn’t take “no” as an answer, so he kept besieging him with compliments, insinuations and even gifts. _

_ By then Jay had had enough of this, and one day Hickman was being particularly overbearing, he was very close to put an end to it. But Nigel was a very intelligent man and he could see what was about to happen, so he took Jay aside to have a little conversation with him. Poor Jay thought Nigel was going to help him, but that couldn’t be further from the truth: Nigel told him that even he had let him get away with rejecting him, there was no way he was going to make him lose such a great deal with Hickman, and that if he wanted to keep his job he better started acting more affectionate with that man; if being a pretty face and wining the heart of wealthy men was all he did well, he better started doing it. _

_ So Jay was so shocked at what Nigel had demanded of him that he didn’t really know what to do. He just went to the bar, smiled at Hickman and accepted the watch he had presented him with. _

_ He didn’t tell me what was happening at that time, but I could tell he was getting increasingly miserable and I worried about him. Also I had noticed the attentions this man showered Jason with, and how uncomfortable they made him feel although he was good at hiding it –I knew him pretty well by then, he was already my best friend. _

_ So one day I confronted him and made him tell me what was wrong with him and if it had anything to do with Hickman. He tried to deny it at first but I knew better, so I pressed him and finally he let it all out: what Nigel had ordered to do, how he loaded Hickman, how disgusted he felt with himself for going along with it even if didn’t want to... I tried to convince him again to leave the job, but once again he said he needed the money, and that actually a few smiles here and there and accepting compliments was not that big a deal. I could tell he didn’t believe that himself, but it was his decision and I couldn’t do anything about it. _

_ Of course as time went by, Hickman started asking more and more of him: he would put his arm around Jay’s shoulder, hold his hand, a farewell kiss on the cheek when he left for the day... And every time it was harder for Jason to put up with it. More than once I was close to tell Hickman to let him alone, but Jay would send me a pleading look and that always stopped me, because the last thing I wanted was to cause problems for him, even if deep down I knew that I wasn’t helping him. _

_ The last straw was when he asked Jason to see him after work, making not so subtle hints about what would be expected of him. He made sure to tell him in Nigel’s presence so Jay wouldn’t be able to say no. And he didn’t say “no” directly, but made an excuse about having to get up early to go to class or something like that. Nigel, of course, was not happy with this and once again took Jason aside and reminded him how things were. Jason may have been naïve or inexperienced at that time, but he already had some of that enormous strength he has now, so he decided that enough was enough. He told Nigel he was not on sale, that he was not a toy to be played at to make a profit. And he made it clear that if he wanted him to continue working for him as just a waiter he would it; if not, he would have to find someone else. _

_ Nigel surely wasn’t expecting any of this; he thought he had Jason totally under his control, so he didn’t say anything and had to watch as Jay turned towards Hickman and told him in no uncertain terms he didn’t want anything to do with him, to stop harassing him and basically leave me alone. He even took the watch Hickman had given him out of his wrist and practically threw it at his face. Hickman was so angry that he stood up to leave, not before threatening Jay it wasn’t over, that he would hear from him again. Then he left and Nigel went after him, obviously apologizing about Jay’s behaviour. When he came back a good while later he told Jay that he had agreed with Hickman that he’d be back the day after and Jay would go with him. And Jay would have no say in this. _

_ I had already left college and was just about to open the shop by then, so with the preparations and everything I hadn’t seen or spoke to Jay for a couple of days. But that night he phoned me and asked me if we could hang out or something. I noticed straight away something wasn’t right and I obviously agreed to see him. He came to the shop with the excuse of seeing it and he politely pretended to be interested, though I could see his heart was not in it. He was pale and thinner than ever. I don’t know if he had the intention of explaining what had happened to me or he just didn’t feel like being alone that night. But I could see the worry and the loathing in his eyes and I pressed him until he told me. _

_ I got angry at him at first for not telling me since the beginning, and then I admired his courage at confronting both Nigel and Walter. _

_ I insisted for hours after that for him to leave the job, to which I always received the same answer: he needed the money. That’s when I had the best idea I’ve ever had: I offered Jay a job in the shop. He told me I shouldn’t feel forced to employ him, that I would not be able to afford it, at least not at the beginning. I knew I couldn’t keep insisting so I tried a different tactic: I told him that I could afford it, even if the truth was I didn’t know if I would be able, and that he had an option now, it was up to him if he wanted to be Nigel’s toy or not. _

_ He didn’t take the decision that night, but at least I could tell he was thinking about it and I felt relieved. _

_ Next morning he called again and told me that if my offer still stood, he would go to the pub after class and resign from his job. I was so happy... I really missed my carefree, cheerful, sometimes even crazy, friend, buried underneath all that worry and sadness from the last months. I was so happy that I stopped working in my shop for the day and went to the pub to pick him up around the hour I thought he would be there, so we could go and celebrate. _

_ He had arrived a bit earlier than me, but he never made it through the door. Hickman was waiting for him outside, half hidden in the shadows, so Jason didn’t saw him until he was right in front of him. He told Jay he knew he would come and Jay answered that he wasn’t there for him, that, in fact, he was resigning of his job so he didn’t have to see him ever again. This enraged Hickman, that reproached him for having made him believe he was interested in him and making him lose his time. Jason reminded him that it had been under his friend’s Nigel pressing and that he knew it. That seemed to really infuriate Hickman and he pushed Jason towards the back alley beside the pub, not caring that he had even thrown Jason’s cap on the floor. He slammed Jay on the wall there and said he didn’t care if it was willingly or not, but it was going to happen. As you know he’s a very big man. Back then he was not so corpulent, but he was still bigger than Jay and very strong, so Jay wouldn’t be able to do much against him. _

_ Fortunately I was just at the pub where one of the waiters was telling me that Jason hadn’t turned up at all that afternoon. I was afraid he would have changed his mind and hadn’t appear simply because he had no shift that day, so I went out with the intention of going to his place and talk to him again. When I walked by the dark back alley where Hickman kept Jay I noticed a cap on the floor and I bent down to pick it up. I knew this cap: it was the cap Jason’s youngest brother had given him as a present when he left home, and I knew it was very special to Jay, he wouldn’t lose it like that. _

_ Starting to worry I called for him, just in case he was near. He was, in fact, very near, so he answered me screaming for help. The man obviously heard me too because he had disappeared in the other direction when I arrived to where Jason was. When I found Jason, he was sitting on the floor just as if he had been standing against the wall and had slipped down it. He was visibly shaking and breathing very fast. I kneeled down in front of him to see if he was alright and asked him what had happened, but he just threw himself in my arms and clung to me, absolutely terrified and unable to say a word. _

_ I took him home and stayed the night with him because I didn’t feel like leaving him alone. A while later he was finally able to talk and he explained to me what that man had tried to do. In the morning he went to see Nigel. Poor thing, he thought Nigel would take his side and testify against Hickman if he pressed charges against him. But he couldn’t be more wrong: Nigel told him he had asked for it himself, that if he acted like a rent boy he would be treated like that and that he shouldn’t even think about coming back, that he was fired for ruining his deal. I think that Nigel’s words hurt him even more that anything Hickman could have done to him. And for some time, even though he denied it, I know he believed them. _

_ He didn’t press charges against Hickman in the end, because he couldn’t see the point. Who would people believe, two well-known business men on his late-thirties and his pockets full of cash or a nineteen year-old brat who didn’t have a penny to his name? _

_ So Jay started working in my shop even thought I couldn’t pay him as much as the pub. But we found a nice solution to that one too: now that I had my own business, I wanted to leave my parent’s home too, so we looked for a slightly bigger flat and we moved in together so we could share the expenses. And the truth is I didn’t want him to be alone after everything he had gone through. _

_ He was kind of sad and insecure for a few weeks, but soon he started to be his old self, now that he didn’t work in the pub and that he was not alone anymore. He eventually got over it and we never talked about it or heard from that man again. Until now. _

**********

Gary sighed when he finished his story. Howard was not looking at him, but it was clear he had listened to every word he had said.

“I can’t believe he’s had to go through that twice”

“Well, that time fortunately nothing happened and he didn’t hurt him. Though he was very scared, of course”

“Now I understand better how he’s feeling. This Nigel made him feel he was to blame and that he had brought it on himself, and now he’s believing it again. How can a person get over so much pain?”

“Howard, he got over it then and he was alone and so young. Now he has you and he’s much more mature and stronger, he’ll get over it again”

“I just don’t understand how he didn’t recognize him and you did”

“Well, Hickman looks very different than what he did back then. He’s put on a lot of weight and he’s much balder now. And don’t forget it all happened over twenty years ago”

“Yes, but you remembered him”

“Well, I spent quite a few evenings just watching him while Jay was busy, and I’ve always had a good memory for faces. But it’s not even that: do you know what I think? I think Jay put him out of his mind all this time ago, that’s why he had no memory of him.

“What do you mean? Marl asked.

“I mean back then, a few weeks after it happened, he told me that it was over, that he was not willing to continue feeling sorry for himself, and that from then on, that man and everything to do with him didn’t exist in his head anymore. And you know Jay, he’s so incredibly resilient that I think he really did that, that he was able to put everything behind him and never think about it again”

Howard weighed Gary’s words for a second.

“I think you’re right. I think that may be why he never told me this before, even though he’s explained everything in his past to me”

“You’re right, until now it was as it that man had never existed”

Howard rubbed his face with his hands. He suddenly felt exhausted.

“Gosh, I just feel so tired...”

“Then you should go to sleep”

“Yes, I want to be there in case he needs me. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep...”

“Why don’t you take a sleeping pill, too?”

“No, no, I don’t want to sleep that deep, he may need me before I’m up. I’ll just try to sleep without pills and if I’m not able... well, I’ll sleep some other day” Howard said with a smile.

“Well, we’ll be leaving now so you can go back to Jay. If you need us...”

“I know. Thank you so much for everything”

“You’re welcome. Just... take care of him, alright?”

“I will”

Howard embraced warmly first Gary and then Mark and showed them to the door. With a big sigh he turned towards Jason’s and his bedroom as he turned out the lights of the flat on his way.

**********

Howard entered the room careful not to make any noise that could wake his boyfriend –he was a light sleeper at the best of times– and took off his clothes, getting for bed. Exhausted for the extremely emotional events of the day, Howard was too sleepy to be thinking clearly and when he got into bed he did what he always did when he went to bed and his boyfriend was already there. He pressed himself against Jason’s back and put an arm around his waist. Jason, who had been half asleep, tensed immediately in fright. It only took him a second to realize it was Howard who was lying next to him, and he made the effort to breathe more slowly and to remember that it was alright to let his guard down with his boyfriend.

Howard noticed at once the reaction he had provoked on Jason with his touch, and moved to separate himself from Jason, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry, love, I didn’t think”

“Don’t” Jason stopped his movement, gently grabbing Howard’s wrist so he could not remove his arm from around him.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. I just...” Jason couldn’t find the words to express what he meant.

“You don’t have to explain, I guess I made you... remember”

“Yes. But now I have to remember you’re not him and that you will never hurt me”

“Never”

“Just be patient with me, ok? I’ll get over it, I promise”

“I know, just... take all the time you need. I’ll be here in every step of the way, you know that, don’t you?”

Jason turned himself around to look at his boyfriend, careful not to move out of Howard’s embrace, and smiled at him.

“I know. And you know that, even if I’m all messed up, I love you, right?”

Howard’s smile at hearing his boyfriend’s words lightened up all his face and he leant over to kiss him. Jason, however, bent over backwards and placed a gentle hand on Howard’s chest to stop his advance. Howard felt confused, but understood that Jason was not comfortable right now with intimacy.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to impose”

“It’s not that...”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s hard to explain”

“Try, please. I’ll understand”

“Somehow I can still feel his lips, I still feel as if my mouth was infected of him... I know it may sound silly but I don’t want you to be infected of him too”

Howard could understand Jason’s feelings, but wanted to convince him that this was not real and that he wanted those lips as much as he had always done. So not very sure about what to do, he decided to follow his instincts: he put his hand over the one Jason had on his own chest, and approached him again until their lips met.

Jason got scared for a second, but the differences between the two situations caught his attention before he could move away from Howard. Howard’s lips felt so different to those of that monster: they were soft and familiar. And the kiss was careful, loving, full of emotion. Jason felt a calming sensation in his chest and all the love in the world in his heart. When the kiss broke, Howard gently played with the hair that felt on Jason’s forehead and fixed his gaze on his.

“There’s no trace of that man in your lips, this is only you and me, okay?”

Jason didn’t answer but smiled shyly at Howard. If someone could help him get over this horrible ordeal, that would be Howard, the most loving and protective creature he had ever met. He felt a small feeling of hope that everything would be alright eventually and then he put his plastered arm around Howard in an embrace and rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, feeling kind of at ease. He closed his eyes just as Howard kissed the top of his head and let sleep take hold of him in Howard’s arms.


	12. Chapter 12

Howard woke up as if he hadn’t slept at all, he still felt so tired. The fog of sleep was still so thick in his mind that he didn’t quite remember going to bed or anything about the day before. He only noticed Jason was not at his side, but that was nothing out of the ordinary, he almost always got up before Howard even woke. Howard stretched his limbs lazily all the while putting his thoughts in order, and everything that had happened the day before came to him in a rush. He practically jumped out of the bed and only bothered to put on his sweat pants, hanging from a chair near the bed, before rushing in search of his boyfriend.

He found him in the kitchen, absorbed in what it looked like trying to make breakfast. But with one arm in a cast he looked like he was not having much success. Howard advanced towards him with the intention of helping, but forgot to make his presence known.

“Morning” Howard said in a strong voice.

Jason had not been expecting it and jumped in fright at the interruption in a task he was so concentrated on; he hit a glass with his broken arm and it fell to the floor, shattering immediately. Howard regretted his lack of tact and moved to clean the broken pieces. First, though, he approached his boyfriend and kissed him in the cheek, all the while stroking his arm in an apologizing motion.

“I’m sorry I scared you, sweetie”

“I’m so sorry about the glass”

“Don’t worry, it’s just a glass, we have plenty of others. And by the way, what are you doing?”

“I’m making breakfast”

“Yeah, I can see that. But you shouldn’t be standing up, your knee needs rest”

“I always make breakfast”

“Yeah, I know, but now you’re hurt, let me be the one to do it” Howard tried to gently move Jason towards the living room, but Jason didn’t move an inch.

“I can still do it”

“You need to sit and you’ve got a broken arm, look what happened with the glass”

“I said I was sorry”

“I know, I told you it’s okay, I didn’t mean that. I mean that it must be difficult for you doing all this stuff with just one hand”

“But it’s my good hand”

“Yes, but it’s still just one. Here, let me help you” Howard tried to take the knife Jason was using, but Jason moved his hand away from him, starting to get annoyed.

“Howard, please, will you just me do it?”

“Hey, don’t get angry, I just want to help” Howard tried to stay calm, he didn’t want to fight.

“I know, but I just want things to feel normal. And normally I make breakfast”

“Yes, but there’s nothing wrong with getting some help when you need it” Howard tried again to take the knife off Jason’s hand, and this time he was not so fast, so Howard caught his hand. When he resisted to let go, though, the knife made a small cut on his finger and a little blood starting oozing from the wound.

When Howard saw the blood on Jason’s hand he felt as if he had received a punch to his stomach. It was a small cut, nothing serious, but he felt incredibly guilty. Here he was, trying to take care of Jason, and he ended up hurting him even further. He picked a clean teatowell and wrapped it up around Jason’s hand, who had gone quiet and hadn’t react to the cut or the blood at all.

“Oh, my love, I’m so sorry” Howard apologized sincerely.

“It’s okay, it’s nothing”

“I’m very sorry all the same. Now please, let me be the one to do it. Please”

“If things change from the way they were, he wins” Jason said with the same faraway look as the day before, lost in his own thoughts.

“What?” Howard said, puzzled at first but quickly understanding.

Jason got out from his stupor, realizing he had spoken aloud, and felt embarrassed for letting his guard down.

“Nothing, forget it”

Howard put himself in front of Jason and grabbed both his hands (mindful of the injured one, which had stopped bleeding already) with each of his. He squeezed them and looked right at Jason’s eyes.

“He doesn’t win if you’re okay. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help because that means you’re fighting to be okay. You still win. And the fact you have me to help you, and Mark and Gary for that matter, and that we care about you, makes you win even more”

Jason let his hands go from Howard’s, this one believing he had gotten him angry again. But Jason took the initiative for the first time since the attack and embraced Howard as well as he could with the cast on his arm. Howard immediately responded putting his own arms around his boyfriend and stroking his hair while he kissed his temple.

“You’re right, as always”

“I’ll remind you that next time we argue”

Jason chuckled at this and held Howard even stronger.

“Can you promise me something?”

“Of course, anything”

“Will you have patience with me? I don’t want to be so unstable, but it seems I can’t control it”

Howard didn’t break the embrace but bended his head backwards so he could look at Jason’s face.

“This is not about patience. It’s not like I have to... I don’t know, put up with you until you’re better. I love you in whichever state you are, I’ll be by your side whether you’re at your best or at your worst”

Jason smiled at him almost shyly and Howard caressed his cheek with the back of his hand.

“But I want you at your best, so go and sit on the sofa so you can rest your knee, and I’ll bring you a tray with your breakfast as if you were a prince, how does that sound?”

Jason chuckled at Howard and gave him a tiny kiss on his cheek.

“Only if you make one for yourself and sit with me to eat”

“Deal”

*********

Gary walked around the shop, trying not to step over any broken thing or piece of glass (he supposed the police would want to see the state the shop had ended up). He wasn’t quite sure what he was doing there at such an early hour on a Saturday, specially seeing as he was not going to be able to open the shop. But the truth was that he had woke up at dawn and hadn’t been able to fall asleep again. His head was too full of thoughts and images from the day before, but they seemed unreal, like they were someone else’s memories. So he had come to the shop to really be able to see they were true and start assimilating them.

Obviously the thing that caught his attention the most was the broken piano lying on the floor. He sat on its stool, still standing, and couldn’t help the tears that sprang to his eyes. It was not because the piano was broken; yes, he had been terribly proud of his piano, always taking care of it with determination, with the secret idea of keeping it forever instead of selling it. He was sorry he had lost it, of course, but it wasn’t that. It was the way he had lost it: to the hands of a madman who had attacked his best friend, maybe breaking him inside too forever.

He didn’t know how much time he spent just sitting there when he heard the door open and turned his head up to see who it was. He smiled at Mark, who entered the shop and closed the door again, to acknowledge he had seen him, and Mark approached him, slightly worried about him.

“So here you are, I thought you had just disappeared”

Gary smiled at his boyfriend again and made room for him to sit on the piano’s stool at his side.

“I just couldn’t sleep anymore and I didn’t want to wake you, I know how much you love sleeping late on Saturdays”

“Not if you’re not by my side. What are you doing here, by the way?”

“I don’t really know. I woke up and I couldn’t stop thinking about what took place here yesterday. I felt I had to come here and see for myself it had not only been a horrible nightmare”

Mark took a look around again and fixed his gaze in every single place where something was out of place or broken. His gaze fixed on the piano, still lying on the floor, broken. He next looked at Gary and saw some tears falling silently down his cheeks.

“Hey, darling, what’s wrong?”

“Jay was so disturbed yesterday for not having been able to protect the shop... He even cried for the piano, can you believe that? He knew how important it was to me and he was devastated it had been broken”

“I’m so sorry you lost it”

“It’s not that, as I told him it’s just a piano, just a... a thing”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s what it represents. To see the piano broken and lying just makes me wonder how it ended up like this and how much Jay had to suffer, and for no reason at all”

Mark didn’t know what to say to make his boyfriend feel better, so he just put his arm around his shoulders and put their foreheads together as Gary kept talking.

“Why do good people like Jay have to go through things like that? And twice? It’s just not fair”

“Yeah, it’s totally unfair”

“What if he doesn’t get over it this time? It’s been so much worse than the other time...”

“Look, Gaz, the only thing irreparable here, if it is at all, is that piano. Jason will be okay, you know that, there’s nothing in him that we can’t fix. I know it may take some time for him to be completely well again, but we’ll be at his side to make sure he is”

“Do you really think so?”

“Of course. He’s got Howard, who means the world to him, and he’s got us. I was going to say that we’ll pull him through that but that’s not right; HE’ll get through it, with our help”

Gary smiled at Mark and nodded.

“And do you know what? We’ll go to their place this afternoon to see him and to make him know we are here for anything he needs. Okay?”

“Okay”

**********

Some time in the morning the police had come to Jason and Howard’s place, just as they had told Gary the day before. They needed Jason’s statement of everything that had taken place at the shop the day before. It was very hard for Jason to relive everything once again, and could only get through it with Howard at his side holding his hand strongly. It wasn’t easy for Howard either to listen to every single detail of the attack, and more than once he had to discreetly turn his head around and dry a tear from his eye without Jason seeing.

The police told them that, having the man’s name, it had been very easy to find where he lived. But he had not been there and a neighbour assured that she had seen him leaving his house with a heavy bag the day before. So even though he was wanted now, and they would keep looking for him, the most probable thing would be that he had ran away and would be pretty far right now, so they didn’t need to worry  excessively about having an encounter with him again.

Howard sighed, quite relieved, though Jason didn’t feel that optimistic about it. He didn’t say anything to Howard, though, there was no need for him to worry too, he had had enough of that already as it was.

After the ordeal of reliving everything to the police, Jason felt drained. Howard could see it, so he made him lie down on the sofa while he made lunch, and then they ate practically in silence.

**********

Howard dried his hands in a teatowell after finishing with the dishes from lunch. He had promised Jason he would do everything in the house until he was well and he had every intention to keep his promise. Speaking of Jason, it was a while since he had heard from him, so he went in search of him. The last time he had looked, he had been lying in the sofa, so that would be the first place to look.

When Howard reached the living room, he found Jason curled on one side of the sofa with his eyes closed, but he could tell he was not sleeping for the way his muscles were tensed. He was quite lost on his own world, though, as he hadn’t heard Howard entering the room.

Howard crouched next to him and moved to tenderly caress his head, but Jason had not been expecting it and jumped at the contact. He opened his eyes and he saw Howard’s guilty face next to his, so he relaxed in the knowledge he was not in any danger, quite the contrary: he was being protected. He gave Howard a small smile and rested his head on the sofa again, letting his boyfriend kiss his forehead and play with his fringe.

“Sorry I startled you, love”

“It’s okay, I just didn’t hear you”

“And what you’re doing lying here, doing nothing? I think it’s the first time since I’ve known you that you’re not doing a million things at the same time” Howard joked, not stopping his stroking on Jason’s head.

“Well, I’m lying here because you made me, remember?” Jason smiled at Howard, cupping his cheek. “And I didn’t feel like reading or watching TV, so...”

“Do you mind for some company?” As he asked this, Howard moved his caresses from Jason’s head to his arm, and he realized how cold he felt to the touch. “Hey, you’re shivering. Are you cold?”

“A little bit”

“I’ll get you a blanket. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were busy, I didn’t want to be a nuisance”

Howard gave an exasperated sigh and put one hand on each of his boyfriend’s cheeks, gently but firmly.

“Let’s see how I get this in that stubborn head of yours: you’re not a nuisance, you’re just my injured partner who happens to need my help, which I’m very willing to give him. I’m here to take care of you, if you would just let me...”

Jason smiled more openly this time and kissed Howard’s cheek, which made him smile in return and continue with his convincing.

“It’s not like you don’t take care of me when I’m ill, is it? Those times I practically have to beg you to leave me alone for awhile, such a pest you are looking after me, you know” Howard got the reaction he was looking for when Jason chuckled, so he kissed his boyfriend on the forehead again and moved to get a blanket, all the while continuing with his “lecture” all over the corridor. “So now it’s my turn to be a pest and I’m going to look after you so well that you won’t want to get better”

When he came back to the living room Jason was still smiling, and that made his heart lose a bit of the weight it was carrying since the attack. He smiled at him in return and approached the sofa.

“Ok, I’ll let you have the blanket, but only on one condition”

“Is this the way you were going to take care of me?”

“You’re right, I’m not that altruistic, I’ll always want something in exchange”

“And what is it?”

“I’ll give you the blanket if you snuggle with me instead of just lying there”

Howard could see Jason’s smile dropping a bit in hesitation. He was just about to kick himself on the shin for destroying that beautiful moment they had just had and apologize to his boyfriend when Jason’s smile  grew again and he nodded.

“Well, that’s not too big a prize to pay, so come here”

“Jay, it... It was just a joke, you don’t have to feel obliged to do anything you don’t want”

“It’s okay, I just... got scared for a second at the thought of feeling pinned down, but then I remembered that it would be YOU holding me and it was okay again”

“You sure?”

“Come on, when have you seen me rejecting some cuddling? Come here already, but first you have to give me the blanket, it was part of the deal” Jason joked, trying to make his boyfriend feel better.

Howard just smiled again and moved the remaining steps until he was right in front of Jason, who had already sat up. Howard lovingly covered him with the blanket around his shoulders and then sat down on the sofa right at his side with open arms, so Jason would only have to snuggle against him and rest his head on Howard’s shoulder. Howard took advantage of their closeness to put both his arms around Jason and rub his arm, to get him warm more quickly.

Jason closed his eyes again and didn’t say anything for a while, but Howard could feel some contentment in him, relaxed as he was in Howard’s arms. Howard could clearly see that Jason had not lied to him: even if he didn’t feel completely comfortable with being held or with physical contact, it was very different with him. Jason completely trusted Howard, and not only his touch didn’t make him feel uncomfortable, but it made him feel better. As if he was reading his mind, Jason’s voice brought Howard out of his own thoughts.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but whenever you hold me like this I feel so safe, so protected, as if nothing bad could ever reach me. It makes me feel like there are only you and me in this world, and I don’t ever want to move”

Howard’s heart almost burst with pride at hearing Jason’s words, so he kissed his temple again.

“And you don’t know how happy it makes me that I can make you feel better and that you let me see and do what no one else is allowed to... You make me feel special”

“That’s because you are special”

Howard chuckled, grateful.

“Only to your eyes, love”

“Maybe. But to my eyes you’re really special”

“That’s all I need, then”

They looked at each other again, their smiles warm, their gazes full of love. Howard hesitated for a second but decided to take the chance and very gently captured Jason’s lips in his in a soft and not too long kiss. Jason didn’t back away from him this time, as he had feared, but gave him another kiss before smiling again and resting his head on Howard’s shoulder once more. They stayed that way for a good while, in silence, feeling comfortable and loved in each other’s company.

It was a while later that the entry-phone rang. Howard immediately felt Jason tense, although he didn’t say anything. Howard squeezed his arm for a second before moving to answer the door.

“I’ll go see who it is”

Howard picked the entry-phone up and asked who it was. He smiled when he got his answer.

“It’s Gary and Mark” he told Jason after letting them in the building. “Are you up to some visiting?”

“Yeah, as long as it’s them it’s okay” Jason answered and Howard opened the door for them to pass.

“Hello guys” Howard greeted them at the door.

“Hey, Howard. Is Jay up?” Mark asked after shaking hands with Howard.

“Yes, he’s right there” he answered, pointing his head in the sofa’s direction. Mark and Gary moved towards the living room and Jason smiled silently at them from his place in the sofa.

“Hey, mate” Gary told Jason, fondly ruffling his hair. Mark bent over and kissed his cheek to which Jason had to make an effort not to give a sign of feeling uncomfortable –it was Mark, after all; they both had the habit to greet each other with kisses like he had just done. And he really wanted things to remain the same.

Howard offered both of them something to drink as they sat on the other sofa, but they refused, so he took his place next to his boyfriend. He knew Jason didn’t like looking weak so he didn’t resume their embrace in case he found it embarrassing, but put his hand on Jason’s leg to not lose contact completely. Jason looked at him and smiled, so he knew he was doing the right thing.

“So Jay” Gary asked awkwardly, as he didn’t know what to say “what are you doing with that blanket, are you cold or what?”

Jason sensed the hesitation in Gary’s voice –you get to know someone pretty well in over twenty years– and knew they were avoiding the subject at hand. Not that he wanted to talk about it, but as the practical person he was, he didn’t want their relationship to be based in awkwardness, so he decided to confront it directly and put it behind them.

“Look, guys, I know you know everything that happened yesterday. Howard told me he explained it all to you, and that you, Gary, told him everything about that man. It’s okay, it doesn’t matter to me that you know because I don’t want any secrets between all four of us, but let’s not act as if it didn’t happen or some day it will all blow in our faces”

“We just didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable” Mark offered.

“I know, guys, and I really appreciate it. But I’d rather get it over with so if there’s something you want to know, just ask”

“We only need to know that you’re alright”

Jason gave them a humourless smile and Howard couldn’t stay apart from him anymore and put his arm around his shoulders.

“I’m not alright. But I will be, I can assure you that”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Gary asked, desperate to do something for his friend.

Jason gave them a genuine smile this time and then put his good hand on top of Gary’s hand.

“You’re already doing it. You’re here. Again. How can I not get well when I have the best boyfriend in the world –Jason smiled at Howard– and the best friends someone could ask for?”

Howard squeezed his shoulders and kissed his temple, and Gary took Jason’s hand on both his own as Mark put his own hand on Jason’s arm and caressed it. Yes, Jason thought, with these wonderful men around me, soon everything will be alright again.

**********

Once the awkward first moment had passed they started to feel comfortable with each other again, as Jason had predicted. Jason and Howard insisted endlessly until Mark and Gary agreed to stay to dinner with them, and Gary helped Howard prepare it as Mark kept Jason company.

After having dinner they sat on the living room again, and this time Jason, feeling more at ease, took his place in Howard’s arms again and rested his head on his shoulder, tired but content. He let the other three do the talking and the joking, confining himself to listen and smile –or even chuckle– whenever something funny came up. They could see he was not feeling very talkative, but through his smiles here and there they could tell he was keeping on with the conversation. Well, at least until they noticed his eyes starting to flutter too frequently and then remaining closed for a few seconds. Howard noticed this and smiled fondly at him while lovingly caressing the back of his neck.

“I think this one is getting quite sleepy”

Jason opened his eyes at this and smiled, slightly embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, guys, all these painkillers are making drowsy all the time. What a lousy host I am”

They all chuckled at that, Gary and Mark already standing up.

“Don’t worry, mate, we understand” Mark said as he gave Jason a kiss on his forehead and started moving to the door to get his jacket.

Gary stopped for a second in front of Jason, clearly uncertain about something.

“What’s up, Gaz?” Jason asked, having noticed Gary’s hesitation.

“Would it be okay for me to hug you?”

Jason laughed at that, amused and grateful at the same time.

“Of course it’s okay, you silly. Come here”

Jason even stood up in order to give Gary the embrace he deserved. Gary smiled and embraced his friend closely, glad to see Jason’s spirit, even if hurt, hadn’t been broken at all. He squeezed him a little harder and kissed his cheek before letting go of him. Then he went to the door to join Mark without looking back, afraid to start crying in front of Jason.

Howard closed the door behind the couple and turned to Jason, smiling at him.

“Bed?”

Jason gave him a big grin and nodded.

“You want me to help you?”

“How, please, I’ve been resting the whole day, I think I can make it to the bedroom”

Now it was Howard’s turn to smile.

“Ok, then get going while I put the dishes away now they are dry and I’ll be there in a second”

Howard went into the kitchen to finish his task while Jason stood for a moment in front of the window, looking outside. He saw Mark and Gary leaving the building, holding hands, and he smiled: even after everything that had happened, he felt so grateful to have this amazing people around him, who cared so much about him.

A movement at the end of the street caught his attention and he turned his gaze towards it.  He couldn’t believe his eyes when he thought he recognized Hickman’ssilhouette getting behind another building with great speed.

“Howard!” Jason screamed, terrified.

Howard heard the voice of his boyfriend calling for him and felt the terror in it, so he ran to him and was at his side in a second even though he had been at the kitchen. He found him standing in front of the living room window, staring out and visibly shaking.

“Love, what’s wrong?” Howard asked as he approached his boyfriend from behind and put his arms around him, in an attempt of comfort and to stop his shaking, trying to see what he was so intently looking at.

“He was there!” Jason almost screamed, pointing at some distant point outside the window.

“Who was there?” Howard asked, completely confused.

“Hickman! He was there, Howard, right there” Jason shaking only increased as he started crying, verging on hysterics. “Oh my God, he knows where we live now”

“Are you... are you sure it was him?”

“Of course it was him! Oh my God, what are going to do?”

Howard stood there perplexed, not really knowing if Jason was right or he had just mistaken Hickman with some other person. After all, the police had said it was quite improbable that he was still around, and much more that he would let himself be seen, and by no other than Jason. But the important thing now was that, wrong or right, Jason was sure he had seen him and was kind of having a panic attack, so he had to try and calm him down. He made him turn around and embraced him to his chest, holding his head on his shoulder and caressing his hair.

“Schtt, sweetie, calm down, ok? I’ll call the police and tell them he might be here, okay?”

Jason nodded but kept crying, holding on Howard for dear life.

“Is this never going to end?”

Howard had no answer for that.


	13. Chapter 13

Howard gave Jason a cup of lime flower tea to calm his nerves, as he sat next to him in the sofa and put his arm around his shoulders. Jason looked so much calmer than a while before, but Howard knew he was keeping his troubles to himself, that he was still trembling inside.

Two police officers had come at once at Howard’s call, had taken statement from them and were now waiting to hear from the other officers who were having a look around the place Jason had indicated to have seen the man. Although they hadn’t said anything on that matter, Howard could tell they thought they were losing their time and that Jason had just imagined it. Howard himself wasn’t so sure his boyfriend had not made a mistake, the fact that the man would let himself be seen so soon after his attack seemed too bizarre to him, but he didn’t like anyone questioning Jason all the same.

Not much was said between the men sitting on the living room until the other two officers who had been inspecting the neighbourhood came back. They informed them that they hadn’t found the man and that nobody they asked had seen him either.

Jason didn’t make any comment and Howard accompanied the officers to the door. One of them turned to speak tohim before leaving.

“Well, Mr. Donald, keep your eyes open, although I don’t think there’s much need, as it is quite probable that he was not here at all tonight”

“Mister, I don’t like what you’re implying at all... My boyfriend hasn’t made it up...”

“Look, I don’t mean he’s lying, I just think he might be seeing things that are not real”

“Are you insinuating he’s going crazy?” Howard was getting angrier by the second.

“Of course not, don’t get on the defensive. I just mean that one someone goes through an ordeal like your boyfriend has, they tend to see danger or even their aggressor everywhere”

Howard didn’t say anything, having calmed down a little with the officer explanation, because the truth is he was thinking practically the same.

“Look, I’m just telling you this to stop you from worrying excessively about that man appearing again, ok? You better concentrate on helping your partner deal with it and leave everything else to us, ok? Of course, if you have the tinniest suspicion that Hickman is around, just call us again, we’ll come as many times as it’s necessary, ok?”

“Okay, thank you, officer. And... I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. We’ll keep in contact”

Howard closed the door and sighed loudly before turning towards Jason, still sitting on the sofa.

“Go ahead and say it” Jason said suddenly, without looking at him.

“Say what?” Howard asked, completely confused.

“That you don’t believe me”

“And why wouldn’t I believe you?”

“Because I saw your face when I told you I’d seen him and when the police asked all those questions”

“I called them, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but just in case. Or to make me feel better. You just think I hallucinate” Jason was not angry while saying this, as if he was thinking the same himself.

Howard sighed again and came to sit next to Jason to embrace him, to which Jason didn’t resist.

“No, I don’t think you hallucinate. I think you could have made a mistake but so what? Aren’t you allowed to be mistaken?”

“It would be easier if I was mistaken, right?” Jason looked at Howard hopefully.

“It surely would” Howard answered playing with his boyfriend’s fringe.

“That would mean he was not there at all”

“Yes”

“Can we go to bed now?”

Howard smiled at him and kissed his forehead.

“Yes, we can. Come on, I’ll help you”

**********

A couple of days later Howard found that Jason was as apathetic and depressed as the days before: he didn’t eat, he almost didn’t talk, he could sit for hours on the sofa doing nothing... It was not that he was distant with Howard: whenever he addressed him, Jason would answer, he would accept all the hugs Howard gave him, he would even keep him company in the kitchen whenever Howard cooked or washed up... He just wasn’t in the mood to do anything for himself, as if somehow he had lost a little of his will to live.

Howard couldn’t stand seeing him like this, it just broke his heart. In intent of cheering him up, Howard suggested to go for a walk, as they hadn’t left the house for some days now. Jason was very reticent about it, and Howard could tell he was kind of scared to be on the outside. Not one to give up easily, Howard made him see they needed to do some shopping, as their fridge was almost empty, and since the supermarket was pretty near their house, Jason would not have problems with his knee –which was feeling much better.

 Jason was about to suggest they could buy whatever they needed by the Internet when he really looked at Howard’s face: he was very worried about him and was trying to help even if he didn’t know how. On top of everything, Jason was feeling guilty for the constant worry he had become to Howard, who hadn’t done anything to deserve it. So he decided to make the effort for him and with a smile that really didn’t reach his eyes he told him that yes, they would go shopping, and went to their bedroom to get dressed.

Once in the street, it was clear to Howard that Jason was not having a good time by the way he clung to his arm as they walked down the street. Every time they passed someone on their way Jason instinctively moved closer to Howard’s body and half-hid behind him.  In spite of that, though, every time Howard would look at him to see how he was doing, Jason would smile reassuringly at him as if to say everything was going great. Not that Howard would buy it.

When they arrived to the supermarket Howard took a trolley and Jason entwined his hand on Howard’s to push it, careful of not losing the contact for a second. Howard kept a light conversation, talking about things they needed to buy, or what products were on offer... Jason tried to listen and answer whenever it was needed, but he was more worried with keeping an eye on everyone around them. After several days shut away at home with just Howard for company –or Mark and Gary when they came to visit– it was really overwhelming for him to be surrounded by some many strangers.

One of them accidentally bumped Jason’s shoulder quite hard when he passed him in a hurry. It didn’t cause a great physical pain to Jason, but it surely made him feel vulnerable and insecure, and that really angered him. The man apologized without really feeling it and that infuriated him even more so he practically shouted at his retreating back.

“Hey, watch where you’re going”

“I said I’m sorry” said the man, turning around to face Jason.

“Well, that’s not good enough”

“Oh really?” The man answered ironically, approaching Jason this time.

Howard saw what was happening and he rapidly put himself between this man and Jason, trying to stop any problems that could arise. He tried to reason with the man to leave it there, hoping that Jason wouldn’t say anything else.

“Ok, mate, it’s alright, nothing’s happened yet so why don’t we leave it here?”

“Why don’t you tell that to your friend, he’s the one looking for a fight”

“Oh, you wanna fight?” Jason asked over Howard’s shoulder.

Howard couldn’t believe his ears: in all the time he had known Jason, and it was quite a while now, he had never ever seen him picking up a fight, or even arguing with anyone, much less for such a silly thing. On the contrary, Jason hated violence above all. Howard could understand what Jason was feeling, of course he could, he was like a trapped, scared and injured animal fighting for his life, but he had to put an end to this before things got nasty, so he turned his head around to look at him.

“Shut up” he told him in a low but powerful voice.

Jason seemed to react at this, Howard’s voice and face expression embarrassing greatly. He bowed his head in shame and turned away from the man, who seemed to calm down too at this.

“Everything’s alright, okay?” Howard told the man, tentatively. The man said nothing more, he only looked at Jason disapprovingly for a second and then went away.

Howard turned to Jason too and he could almost feel his pain on his own heart, so evident it was. Not really knowing what to say he just squeezed his shoulder.

“I can’t believe I just did that” Jason spoke so soft Howard had to strain to hear it.

“Forget it, he was just a moron”

“Is that reason enough for wanting to fight him?”

“Don’t make an issue of that. You got angry, so what? Everyone is entitled to have a low moment, even someone as level-headed as you” Howard smiled, trying to make light of the situation, thought Jason didn’t really buy it.

“Let’s finish with the shopping so we can go home, okay?”

Howard sighed, disappointed for not having been able to cheer his boyfriend up.

They walked down the supermarket aisles quite fast, in silence, grabbing everything they needed, and then they paid for it, putting everything in bags, and moved to the door to begin the way back home. By then Jason was starting to limp because of all the walking on his injured knee after practically not using for days, and Howard couldn’t feel more guilty about suggesting the trip in the first place.

They were practically in front of the main door of their building when Jason let go the bag he was carrying, which made a loud noise at hitting the floor and some of its items being broken. Howard turned around to look what had happened when Jason grabbed his arm frantically and pointed something to him, all the while shaking in panic.

“Howard, he’s there again!” Jason said in a loud and scared voice, begging Howard for help.

Howard’s heart skipped a beat as he looked where Jason was pointing and saw a corpulent man. But that man turned around at hearing Jason’s accusations and Howard’s heart started beating again when he realized it was not Hickman.

“Oh my God, he’s right there. Howard, he’s right there”

He left the bags he was carrying on the floor and gently grabbed both Jason’s arms to force him to stop his rambling and pay attention to him.

“Easy, sweetie, it’s not him” Howard said in a comforting voice, as if talking to a wounded animal.

“Yes, it is, look at him!” Jason shouted, pointing at him with his head.

“No, no, it isn’t, look” Howard made him turn around towards the man, who was looking quite confused by then.

Jason looked at him for a second until he realized Howard was right: it was not him. He gulped noticeably, trying to control his heavy breathing, and let himself be engulfed in Howard’s embrace.

“You’re safe” Howard whispered in Jason’s ear while caressing the back of his head.

Jason could only nod.

**********

Hours later Jason was lying in the sofa again. He must have dozed off, because Howard was nowhere to be seen and he couldn’t remember where he had gone. He probably had just gone out for a second to take out the rubbish and hadn’t wanted to wake him up.

He rubbed his eyes to get the sleep out of his system and then he noticed the front door had been left ajar. That was strange... He didn’t have time to wonder about it more, though, as the door was thrown open and Hickman entered his home.

“Well, we meet again” he said as he slammed the door.

 

Jason woke up with a fright, his breathing heavy and sweating profusely. The nightmare had felt so real that he had to take a look around the room, only lighted by the lights of the city coming through the windows. Everything was alright: he was lying on his bed, on his apartment, with his boyfriend sleeping peacefully at his side. There was no need to feel so uneasy, right?

Jason rubbed his face with his hands in a calming motion and then sat up on the bed, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed. He leant his elbows on his knees and put his head on his hands, taking deep breaths, still trying to calm himself down.

Howard’s protective instinct made him wake up with just the rustling of the sheets caused by Jason’s movements. He looked around disoriented and found Jason, with his back to him, sitting at the side of the bed with his head down.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked in a whisper, not wanting to scare him out of his stupor.

Jason turned his face around a little to speak to Howard, although not enough to look at him.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

Howard sat up in bed too and moved to sit behind Jason, one leg on each side of Jason, his arms holding his waist. He immediately felt how Jason relaxed in his arms and how he leant over his chest. Howard gave him a kiss on the side of his neck and then leant his chin on Jason’s shoulder.

“It’s okay. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just had a nightmare” Jason answered as he caressed one of the arms encircling his waist. God, he felt so much better just for being held this way by this beautiful person.

Howard kissed him again.

“About... him?”

“Yes. But I’m okay now, I don’t want to talk about it”

“That’s my fault, I shouldn’t have made you go out today”

Jason turned his body around a little in Howard’s embrace so he could look into his face. He grabbed him lovingly by the chin so he had to look at him too.

“Don’t be silly, I couldn’t stay here forever, could I?”

“No, of course not, but maybe you were not ready yet”

“I’m as ready as I can be, the first time was going to be difficult, even if it was today or two weeks from now. I’m glad it’s over with, I’m sure it will be better tomorrow”

“You want to go out again tomorrow?”

“Of course, we can’t put it off now we started. And you know what? Even if I was so scared when I thought I saw Hickman, I’m so relieved right now... Because if I was mistaken this time, I probably was mistaken the other day too, when I thought I saw him through the window, right? So maybe he really left”

“Probably”

“So tomorrow we could pay the guys a visit, don’t you think? It’s not too far, my knee can take it”

Howard cupped Jason’s face with both his hands and moved the hair that fell on his forehead away from his face, spellbound at Jason’s beauty, even if still marred with little cuts and bruises.

“And just when I thought I couldn’t love you more, you go and prove me wrong. You’re so brave...”

“No, I’m not brave. I just... I don’t like being like this, scared all the time, feeling vulnerable, getting angry... And not just for me, you are suffering it too. And if there’s something I can do to make it all better, even if it’s hard at first, I have to try. Does it sound silly?”

Howard chuckled and then embraced Jason to his chest.

“No, it doesn’t sound silly, it makes perfect sense. And I’m so proud of you... Maybe you can’t see it now, but you are brave, and so very strong”

“I must not be that strong, because I have something to ask you”

“Just ask” Howard said as he broke the embrace a little to see Jason’s face.

“Could you... could you hold me until I fall asleep again?” Jason said, kind of embarrassed.

Howard chuckled again and moved to lie down on his back again, bringing Jason down with him to rest on his chest and then putting his arm around his body and caressing his back.

“Is this the big favour you were afraid to ask? Come on, you know I love it so much I should be the one asking you to let me hold you”

Jason laughed softly as he made himself comfortable, trying not to put any pressure on his still tender ribs, and then he kissed Howard’s shoulder.

“I love you” he told his boyfriend and closed his eyes.

“I love you too” Howard answered with a smile and then he kissed the top of Jason’s head, readying himself to guard his boyfriend’s sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

Howard was just finishing squeezing some oranges for their morning juice when he felt a couple of arms –one of them in a cast– grabbing him around the upper part of his chest, pinning his arms to his sides, and a light kiss being placed on his shoulder. He smiled warmly and tried to look over his shoulder at the person giving him such a sweet greeting as he caressed the arms holding him.

“Hey you”

“Hey yourself” Jason answered, resting his cheek on Howard’s shoulder and softly rocking both of them to the sides. “How come you didn’t wake me?”

“And why should I have done it? For once you looked at such at ease that I didn’t have the heart to wake you. And it’s not like we have to be anywhere at any particular hour, right? I’m sure you’re feeling much more refreshed than yesterday”

Jason gave him another kiss and then let go of him to help lay the table in whichever way he could with just one available hand.

“You’re right about that, I feel great today. My head doesn’t hurt anymore and I really feel rested”

“I’m glad to hear that”

“I had a great sleep after... after the nightmare. Just so you know, you give magical hugs”

Howard chuckled at that as they both sat, opposite each other, to have breakfast.

“About time you noticed”

“Believe me, I’ve known it for quite a long time now”

They both smiled and looked at each other lovingly before starting to eat.

“So are you still thinking about going to Gary and Mark’s today?” Howard asked.

“Yeah, of course. But I don’t feel like staying indoors today, how about we get them and go out for dinner? It’s been ages since we’ve done that”

“Really? Are you feeling up to it?”

“I think so” Jason nodded convincingly. “Does that plan sound appealing to you, then?”

“You bet it does!”

“Ok then, we have a date tonight, baby” Jason told him with a mix of seductiveness and mischievousness in his voice that brought a big smile to Howard’s face.

“I can’t wait”

**********

Later that day, Mark and Gary were at home, apparently quite bored. Mark was not in the mood to stay home, but Gary was just feeling lazy.

“Why don’t we go for a walk, at least?”

“And what, miss this great opportunity to sit in front of the TV and watch bad telly while we eat some popcorn? No plan can beat that and you know it” Gary joked, laughing as Mark hit him in the face with a pillow.

“We do that every day!” Mark answered, exasperated.

“That’s because we love it, right?”

“No, you love it, I want to go out! You never take me out anymore!”

 “Saying this some would say you were a dog”

“Very funny” Mark said ironically.

The door bell rang in that precise moment and Gary stood up to answer it.

“Wonder who that is”

“I hope someone’s coming to save me from this imprisonment” Mark mumbled, causing Gary to smile and stuck his tongue at him.

Gary opened the door to see Jason and Howard standing there.

“Hey, guys” Jason greeted them with a big smile.

“Hey” Gary responded cheerful, surprised but glad to see Jason out of his home, “what the hell are you doing here?” he asked even as he hugged Jason warmly and let them in.

“Well, we thought we’d pay you a visit, we presumed you would be missing us too much by now”

“Not too far from the truth” Mark added fondly, getting up from the sofa to hug Jason too.

“See, Gaz?” Howard wanted to take part on the conversation too, “you should learn from Mark, he’s much more kind and loving than you are”

“Well” Gary kept on with the joking, “I could tell you a couple of things you could learn from Jason too, but I’m not going to, because you’re a guest and I’m a terrific host”

They all laughed wholeheartedly, glad to be on each other’s presence again.

“So guys, did you have any plans for today?” Jason asked the other couple.

“Yes, we were about to enjoy some bad telly and lots of pop-corn” Gary smiled, looking at Mark.

“So please, tell me you’re going to save me from such a bore!” Mark implored.

“Well, we were going to suggest looking for some place nice to have dinner and then go for a few drinks, but if you’re busy...” Jason told me mischievously.

“Ok, I’m at the door already, get up off your arses!” Mark exclaimed, getting up in a heartbeat.

The other three laughed again but obeyed and got up. Howard turned to Gary and put a hand on his shoulder to keep picking on him.

“Not that it’s any of my business, but I think you’ve got him a little bored”

“Shut your mouth already!” Gary answered with a laugh.

**********

They had a very nice time at the restaurant, and Mark and Gary could see Jason was making a big effort: not to look okay, as the last time they had seen him, but to really feel it. As if he had promised himself he would get better. Well, knowing him he had probably had. He was not his usual all smiley and chatty self yet, but he was sure on his way.

So when dinner was over he was true to his word and he suggested they’d go to the pub they usually did –if he was going to be surrounded by strangers, better be in a familiar place, where at least they knew the waiters and waitresses and felt a little like home.

They picked up a table at the back of the place and sat down. Jason felt a little uneasy at first, with so many people walking around, dancing, making so much noise... But Howard, who saw this at once, sat right next to him with his arm around his back, and he started to relax, giving a grateful smile to his boyfriend. Only a second later a blonde waitress came to their table to take the order.

“Hi, Jason. And hello to the rest of you too, of course” the waitress, who always jokingly pretended to be in love with Jason, greeted them.

“Hi, Holly” Jason smiled at her as they all greeted her.

“It’s been a quite a while since I last saw you lot”

“We’ve been... busy” Mark made the excuse evasively.

“Well, I’ve missed you, you’re practically the only nice costumers around here”

“Maybe it’s you then, your bad temper must be contagious” Howard joked with her.

Holly put a face of mock indignation but couldn’t help but smile.

“When I said you were nice, I obviously wasn’t referring to you, Howard”

“Well, I’ll be nice to you when you stop flirting with my boyfriend”

“Well, I’ll stop flirting with your boyfriend when he stops being so fucking irresistible”

Howard looked at him with a smile in his eyes and then turned back to Holly again.

“I don’t see that happening anytime soon” Howard said with mocking seriousness, which earned himself a playful nudge from Jason.

“Then I’ll keep with the flirting, if you don’t mind”

They all laughed with her.

“So, what can I get you?”

“Why don’t you surprise us?” Gary suggested.

“Okay, I hope you don’t have to regret it”

They all smiled as Holly turned to the bar to get their drinks. Suddenly Jason’s phone started to ring and he took it out of his trousers’ pocket. He looked at the screen and saw it was his mother. He turned to Howard to explain.

“Honey, it’s my mother. I’ll go to the entrance to talk, there’s too much noise here for me to hear anything”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, don’t worry, I’ll be right back” and with a quick peck on Howard’s lips he moved to the entrance of the pub, where he hoped he would hear better.

He stood next to the door as he talked, but with the continuous passing of people he still couldn’t hear most of what his mother was saying, so after a bit of hesitation, he decided that if he wanted to have a good enough conversation he would have to go outside. He looked towards where Howard and the guys were sitting, to indicate them he was going outside, but there were a lot of people in the way and he couldn’t see them. Well, it didn’t matter, he would be back in a second. So he stepped outside the pub onto the relatively silent and solitary street.

He waited impatiently for his mother, who seemed to be in the mood for talking tonight, to finish her conversation, as he paced the floor up and down the piece of street in front of the pub.  He wanted to go back inside, he was getting cold and his knee was starting to hurt, plus he was getting nervous being alone in the street, even if there were some people passing by now and then. But it had been some days since the last time he spoke to his mother, he was already feeling guilty about not having explained anything to her about the attack so as not to worry her, so he thought he owed her to listen to her as long as she needed.

Finally they said goodbye and ended their conversation. Jason put his phone back on his pocket and sighed tiredly. It had been a good day, but he was quite worn-out now. So he would just have his drink and then he’d ask Howard to go home –and maybe even get a cab if he didn’t feel like walking all the way back home again.

He turned towards the door to go inside when he bumped into a rotund body that had been standing behind him. He didn’t have to raise his head to know who it was. Terrified, he jumped backwards and tried to run, as Hickman was blocking the entrance of the pub. But Hickman had great reflexes and grabbed Jason’s broken arm before he could move too far away from him and twisted it behind his back as well as he could with the cast.

The pain Jason felt at the treatment his broken arm was receiving was so blinding that his knees buckled slightly, which Hickman took advantage of to push him a few meters away from the pub and round the corner, into a darker and much less busy street. He pushed him face first to the wall, without letting his arm go.

“Well, you made it quite easy for me to get you, didn’t you? Maybe you were wishing for me to find you” Hickman whispered into Jason’s ear, making him shiver with repugnance at feeling his breath on the back of his neck.

“What the hell do you want now, Hickman? Didn’t you just had enough?”

“As I recall we couldn’t even get started”

**********

Meanwhile, Howard, Gary and Mark were having a nice enough conversation in the inside of the pub, oblivious to what was happening outside.

Holly approached their table again, this time with a tray full of long glasses, and put them on the table in front of each of them.

“Hey, Holly, tell Jason to stop talking already, we’re waiting for him” Howard asked her with a smile.

“Go and tell him yourself, lazy boy” she answered, smiling too.

“Oh come on, you can tell him when you pass him on your way to the bar”

“On my way? I haven’t seen him since he stood up”

“He’s supposed to be at the entrance”

“Well, he’s not right there, I can tell you that”

Another waitress passed them by and heard what they were saying, so she gave them the information she had about it.

“He was on the phone and it looked like he was having problems to keep with the conversation, so he just went outside”

All the alarms went off on Howard’s head, who sat up straight on his chair and turned to the waitress, his heart on his mouth.

“When was that?”

The waitress noticed immediately something was wrong and hesitated before answering, wanting to give the most accurate information she could.

“It was a while ago, maybe ten minutes”

“Shit!” Howard mumbled as he rapidly stood up and ran to the door, followed closely by Mark and Gary, their hearts beating so strongly they could almost hear them.

 


	15. Chapter 15

“What the hell do you want now, Hickman? Didn’t you just have enough?”

“As I recall we couldn’t even get started” Hickman said as he licked Jason’s neck lasciviously. “But I’m not here for that this time, hope you’re not too disappointed”

“Then what do you want?”

Hickman let go of Jason’s arm and turned him around to pin him again against the wall, this time facing him, grabbing him roughly by the collar with both his hands. Jason tried to disentangle himself from the man’s grip but that man was incredibly strong and he only could use one arm. Far from getting him anywhere, his intents made Hickman angry and he gave him a blinding punch square on his face. Jason felt a pain so intense that he couldn’t move or talk for a couple of seconds, as blood started dripping down his chin coming from his nose.

“Stay still, damn it! You should know by now there’s nothing you can do against me”

Jason didn’t say anything so as not to give Hickman the satisfaction of hearing in his voice the terror he was feeling. To think Howard and the guys were so close but were completely unaware to what was happening... Hickman jostled him against the wall again to get his attention.

“You’ve destroyed everything again. It looks like it’s the only thing you can do, isn’t it? To screw up my life”

“I haven’t done anything” Jason implored, gaining himself a punch on his stomach that made him double over in pain for a second, trying to get his breath back, until Hickman grabbed his collar again and straightened him up again.

“Shut your fucking mouth! You couldn’t let me have my way for once, couldn’t you? And then you bring the police into this... I can’t go back home, I have to live in the shadows, or I’ll be arrested. And you’ve got the guts to say you didn’t do anything?”

Jason didn’t make the mistake of talking this time; he just concentrated on trying to get deep breathings through the pain and fear he was feeling.

“Back then you ruined the greatest business deal I could have had and I got bankrupted after that with other crap business I was forced to get into. And now you force me to leave my home or go to prison. But all of that is not even the worst you’ve done to me”

Jason couldn’t help but feel curiosity about what the man had to say: how perturbed his mind could be if he really thought Jason had been the cause of all his misfortunes?

“The worst of all is the shame of being rejected, again and again, by a nobody like you. Who do you think you are? You think you’re better than me? Just because you have this lovely little life with your nice job as a professor and that hubby of yours? Does he know what happened between us the last time?”

“Yes, he does, and it hasn’t changed anything between us”

“Well, he mustn’t love you that much if he doesn’t care about you having affairs with other men”

Jason felt a fury spreading across his chest at the description Hickman made about what had taken place at the shop, and about the insinuation Howard didn’t really love him. But he was wise enough to not play along with him and to remain silent. He just turned his eyes to the side, in the hope someone would appear and see them, but Hickman noticed it.

“No, don’t bother to look around ‘cause nobody’s coming to save you this time” Hickman told him with great pleasure on his voice. “Ok, here’s what I want. You are going to drop the police report about me so I can rebuild my life”

“I won’t do that” Jason said with a security he wasn’t feeling.

“Oh yes, you will. And do you want to know why? Because if you don’t I guarantee I will find the way to hurt you or your beautiful hubby. Howard is his name, isn’t it?”

Jason couldn’t explain the rage building inside of him at hearing his love’s name in this revolting creature’s lips, and he couldn’t help himself this time and shouted at the man.

“Leave him out of this!” and with that Jason took strength and hit the man powerfully on the face with the cast of his arm, making him recoil a couple of steps in pain and shock. Jason felt the pain of the punch on his broken arm too, making all the way from his wrist to his shoulder, and that prevented him from being faster in his escape. So Hickman recovered from the surprise and leapt on Jason again, punching him again on his middle and grabbing him by the neck to slam him against the wall once more.

“You’re gonna pay for this” Hickman told him viciously as he cleaned a tiny trickle of blood coming from the corner of his mouth with his sleeve.

**********

Howard, with Gary and Mark on his heels, reached the street as fast as he could, and was terrified to see Jason was nowhere to be seen. If he hadn’t been completely sure he needed to worry before, he was absolutely positive now, as he knew Jason would have never wandered away from the pub alone, especially at night.

“Where the hell is he?” Gary exclaimed, almost as worried as Howard.

Just then they heard Jason’s voice shouting, clearly in trouble.

“Leave him out of this!”

Howard, Mark and Gary all turned their heads towards where it seemed Jason was being attacked again, and without a second thought they started running again until they came around the corner.

The rage Howard felt when he saw that man crushing his boyfriend by his neck to the wall was so intense, so irrational, that he could not talk or even think. Only an almost animal instinct guided him to grab that man by the collar and throw him to the floor, away from Jason. The man, obviously taken by surprise, could not react fast enough before Howard straddled him and threw a strong punch on his face.

When the grip of that man left him, Jason fell to the floor, and Mark and Gary rushed to him, seeing he was injured and bleeding again. As Gary carefully helped Jason sit up and hugged him to his chest, Mark quickly took his phone out of his pocket and called the police, urging them to come fast.

Meanwhile Howard hadn’t sated his need of revenge yet and had thrown quite a few punches to the man’s face, who hadn’t been able to react at the ferocity of Howard’s anger. Howard kept thinking about all Jason had gone through these past few weeks: the uncertainty, the fear, the shame, the pain... and he didn’t feel able to stop. The rage was consuming him and blocking his good sense, to the point that suddenly the punches were not enough and his hands closed around the man’s neck.

Gary immediately saw what was happening and rushed to Howard’s side, grabbing him by the arm and trying to reason with him to let him go before it was too late. Howard, however, didn’t hear him or didn’t want to and continued pressing on the man’s neck even though he was starting to choke.

Suddenly Howard felt an arm around his neck holding him tenderly from behind and a soft voice in his ear that broke through the rage fog in his brain. ‘How, please, let him go’

Tears started falling down his cheeks at Jason’s urging but he still couldn’t let go. ‘He’s hurt you so much…’

‘Losing you would hurt me so much more…’

Howard understood immediately what he meant: if Howard killed this man, as much as he may deserve it, it would be him going to prison and leaving Jason alone. And Jason’s welfare was much more important than his need of revenge. So he lost his grip on the man’s neck and slowly stood up and away from that monster –who remained at the floor, completely dizzy by the punishment he had received.

When Howard turned around Jason was kneeling there, supported by Mark because of his injuries, tears running unnoticed down his cheeks. Howard feared for a moment that he had damaged Jason’s opinion of him, that he was going to consider him violent and not worthy of his love. But when he looked into the eyes of the man he adored he could only see love and devotion. With no words left on him, he kneeled in front of him and embraced him close to his chest, stroking his hair all the while and starting to sob at the same time than his boyfriend, as they heard the sirens of police cars and ambulances getting near.

**********

Jason sat patiently at the back of the ambulance, with a blanket around his shoulders, as the paramedics checked him out. There were no gashes or fractures this time, just more bruises to add to the collection of the already fading ones. Howard stood at his side, permanently keeping the contact with him, either holding his hand or keeping his own hand on Jason’s shoulder. The paramedic ended his check-up on Jason and gave them the diagnosis.

“Well, fortunately your nose is not broken, though it surely bled profusely, it will get quite bruised. This and your ribs, though, are going to hurt like the devil tomorrow, make sure to...”

“To take the painkillers I need, I know” Jason finished the sentence for him, tiredly. The paramedic looked at Howard, who just shrugged his shoulders so as not to initiate any conversation, too emotionally drained to offer any explanation.

“Can we go home now?” Jason asked hopefully.

“As far as I’m concerned you’re free to go, but you’ll have to ask the police for that”

“Of course, we’ll do that. Thank you for everything” Howard said even as he gently grabbed Jason’s good arm to help him stand up.

Howard put his arm around Jason’s back and Jason rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder even as they walked, feeling so tired and shaken that he needed the closeness Howard’s embrace gave him. They moved towards their friends, who were finishing giving their statements too –Jason and Howard had already given theirs– to the police.

Just as they were reaching them, two police officers passed them by on his way to the car with Hickman, properly handcuffed, in between them. He had already been seen to by the paramedics of the other ambulance, but he had no serious injury either (although he was pretty battered).

Jason lifted his head from Howard’s shoulder to look at Hickman, not wanting to give him the pleasure of seeing him weak and broken. So Jason make the effort to hold his gaze, almost challenging, which made Hickman give him a smile full of hate.

“You don’t know what you’ve done”

Howard, seeing Hickman talking to his boyfriend, gently pushed Jason behind him, partially blocking him from view, wanting to protect him at all costs. But that was not enough to stop Hickman’s threats.

“I will find the way. This is not over”

Howard, enraged, took a step towards him, but Jason grabbed him by the shoulders from behind, preventing him from advancing any further. The officers escorting Hickman forced him to move faster towards the car so as to avoid any more problems and introduced him into the car.

Once he was sure Hickman was conveniently locked, he turned to Jason again and cupped both his cheeks with his hands to have his complete attention.

“It  _is_  over, he can’t hurt you anymore”

Jason could only nod and then he let himself be engulfed in Howard’s loving embrace, hiding his face on Howard’s neck. Gary and Mark approached them and joined the embrace around Jason, wanting to let him know they were there too and all four of them would stick together to put Jason through this.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to post, real life's been getting in the way! :) As a reward for your patience, here's a pretty long chapter. Enjoy!

Howard looked through the window of the cab taking him and Jason home. He felt tired, drained, emotionally spent. He looked down at his hands and noticed, not for the first time, his reddened knuckles and a wave of shame felt upon him. Sure, he had participated in one or two fights when he was younger, but nothing more serious than a couple of clumsy punches. He had never lost control of himself like he had tonight. He had never felt that kind of hate able to cloud his judgement. If Jason hadn’t stopped him...

Jason. That was the difference. These other fights had always been about stupid things, like a new chick’s attention, or his ego being insulted... He had never fought over the most important thing in the world before: his loved one.

Howard sighed and looked down at the head dozing trustingly on his shoulder. Jason’s face was blood-clean now, but in his shirt a big and dark stain told a completely different story. Howard manoeuvred his arm to put it around Jason’s shoulder to hold him close to his side without waking him up. He may be feeling ashamed of his irrationality, but he didn’t regret what he had done one bit, because it meant Jason was safe now and that man couldn’t reach him anymore. Now they could start from a scratch and learn to be happy again, as they were before Hickman re-entered their lives.

When the taxi driver was parking just outside their building, Howard turned to tenderly wake up his boyfriend, caressing his face with the back of his hand.

“Sweetie, we’re home”

Jason slowly opened his eyes and had a look around, clearly disoriented, but smiled slightly when his gaze met that of his boyfriend. Howard paid for the ride and then helped Jason out of the car and to the door of the building.

Jason, who was practically asleep on his feet because of the painkillers given to him by the paramedic, leant on Howard while waiting for the elevator and rested his head on his shoulder again. Howard smiled and took the chance to embrace him close to him, kissing his temple, before guiding him into the elevator. Howard knew it was probably not the best time to talk, but he couldn’t get it out of his head, he needed to know if Jason saw him as a monster. And it was probably for the best Jason’s head was laying on his shoulder, so he had not to look at his face while talking.

“Jay, I... I wanted to say I’m sorry”

“About what?” Jason mumbled on Howard’s shoulder, more asleep than awake.

“About... losing it that way with that man. I don’t regret what I did, but I don’t want you to see me as... as a monster or as... a violent person who has no control over himself. It’s just when I saw him grabbing you by the neck that way and I thought about everything he...”

“Schhhh” Jason had lifted himself from Howard, all tiredness forgotten, and cupped both sides of his face with his hands with all the tenderness in the world. “Stop it. Howard, you don’t have to justify yourself”

“But...”

“No buts. You’re not a monster, for God’s sake! I know why you did it, and I know how you felt. I would have done the same in your place... Well, if I was as strong as you” he tried to make light of the situation to make Howard feel better, which he did judging by the small smile that came to Howard’s lips.

“Then you... you haven’t changed your opinion of me?” Howard asked, almost fearfully.

“The truth is... I have”

Howard could feel tears springing to his eyes, and he bowed his head in shame and sadness. But Jason grabbed his chin and gently forced him to look at him right in the eye again.

“I used to think you were a good man, with a big heart, who loved me enough for us to be happy. Now I see you as the wonderful man that you really are, more than words can express, who loves me so much that he is ready to change his believes just to protect me. And who is strong and caring enough to apologize for it later, even if he doesn’t have any reason to ‘cause he was doing it all for me. You’re my hero, Howard”

Howard let the tears of his eyes fall down his cheeks as he took Jason in his arms again and let himself be comforted this time, feeling Jason’s long fingers caressing the curls on the back of his head and his lips leaving small but loving kisses on his neck.

“I love you so much” Howard told him with a sob.

“I know. And I love you too, my love”

**********

Jason and Howard spent a couple of quite days at home, so Jason could have some rest for his new –although less serious– injuries and both of them could start mentally dealing with everything that had taken place. They spent their time ridiculously glued to each other, either lying on their bed, or watching TV curled together in the sofa, or simply together in any other place. Now that Hickman was not a thread anymore and they didn’t have to worry about Jason’s safety, they felt happy in the security of each other’s love and arms.

On the third day after Hickman’s detention, Howard sat on the sofa watching TV and idly stroking Jason’s head, pillowed on his lap. He was deeply engrossed in a book –Howard was glad to see Jason reading again, as it meant he was slowly regaining interest in the things he loved before the whole ordeal– when the doorbell rang. They looked at each other curiously, as they were not expecting any visitors, but Howard gently lifted Jason’s head from his lap and moved to the door to see who it was.

It was just a minute later when Howard came back to the living room. He was holding a registered letter, that he immediately opened and started reading in silence.

“What is it?” Jason asked Howard with only mild interest, still concentrated on his book. When he noticed Howard hadn’t answered and was still staring intently at the letter, he swiftly sat up and asked again. “Howard, what is it? Is there something wrong?”

Howard raised his eyes from the paper and tried to change his facial expression from worry to coolness, trying unsuccessfully not to worry his boyfriend.

“It’s nothing important”

“Howard, please, I can read you like a book. What’s wrong?”

Howard sighed and went to sit next to Jason again, resting his hand on Jason’s knee, wanting to reassure him about what he knew was going to be a severe blow to him.

“The judge called me to testify”

“As a witness on Hickman’s trial? So soon?”

Howard hesitated before continuing, and once again squeezed Jason’s leg.

“No... Hickman... has pressed charges against me. Assault, according to this citation”

Jason’s eyes didn’t blink as he stared at Howard, and his lips moved without them making any sound. He started breathing faster than usual and Howard took his hand to entwine their fingers together to give him the strength to find the words he needed to say.

“But I don’t understand, isn’t he in prison?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean he can’t file a formal complaint against me”

Jason took his free hand to his face and rubbed his temple, trying to make sense of a situation that escaped his control and his understanding.

“But he is the aggressor”

“Yes, to you. But I guess with me is different, I’m the one who hit him”

“Because you were trying to protect me!”

“Hey” Howard said in a quiet voice as he squeezed Jason’s hand, trying to keep him calm, “you know what? I’ll just call my friend Robbie. He is a lawyer, I’m sure he’ll know more about it”

Jason closed his eyes for a second and then let out a big and tired sigh.

“I’m so sorry I brought you into this”

“You didn’t bring me into anything, I was already in it. Whatever happens to you, it happens to me too, you know? None of this is your fault, it’s not like you asked anything out of me, right? It was my decision to hit that man, not yours”

“But it is my fault, how could I be so stupid as to go outside the pub alone?”

“Love, remember what you told me the other time? He was waiting for the occasion, if it had not happened that day, it would have been any other day. You couldn’t help it. And if it had to happen I’m just glad it was that day and I was there to help you. I meant what I told you the other day at the elevator, I don’t regret it”

“But now you’re in trouble because of me!”

“Jay, believe me, I’d rather have this kind of trouble a thousand times than have you hurt by this man. It had to be done. And if I have to take the consequences... so be it, as long as you’re okay”

“Is this never going to end?” Jason asked in a small voice.

Howard just hugged him strongly to his chest and kissed his temple.

“Of course it’s going to end, and very soon. I’ll call Rob right away”

**********

Howard preferred to go to the bedroom to talk to Robbie, a good friend of his who happened to be a lawyer. He didn’t want Jason to hear the conversation in case it would not be good news, he was worried enough was it was.

The fact was that Robbie was quite optimistic about everything: he explained to Howard how everything would go and offered to meet him before testifying to help him in any way he could.

When he came back to the living room he found Jason sitting in the exact same position he had left him a while ago, his book lying untouched at the coffee table. It was quite clear that he was anxiously waiting for him, so Howard didn’t waste any time and sat next to him again.

“What did Robbie say?” Jason asked fretfully.

“He was very optimistic about everything. He said this is not even a trial, I just have to go and talk to the judge, and then he’ll decide if the complaint goes on or is rejected. And Rob thinks it will be rejected because it’s all crazy”

“Is he sure about that?”

“Well, he can’t be a hundred per cent sure, it will depend on the judge, but it’s practically impossible that Hickman will get away with it. And even if I have to go to trial, who would find me guilty? They would see it was in your defence, and I have you, Gary and Mark as witnesses. So you see, honey, nothing to worry about”

“Well, if he is so sure... He is a great lawyer, we’ll have to trust him”

“Of course we have to trust him. He even offered to meet me so we can talk about it before testifying. And he says hello, by the way. He was very sorry about everything”

“He’s a good friend... Why don’t we invite him to dinner one of these days? As a thank you”

“We will. But hey, you have to stop worrying now, this is good news, right?” Howard asked him, tenderly sorting Jason’s hair behind his ear.

“Yeah, I guess so. But I can’t help fretting about it”

“Then let’s do something or go somewhere to get our minds off this. Any suggestions?”

“I told Gary when he called yesterday that we may go to... the shop”

“The shop? Are you sure you’re up to it?”

“I’ll have to go sooner or later, won’t I? And besides, Gary hasn’t been there these days either, which means the shop is still... a mess, so I thought I’d help... sort everything out. After all, it’s because of me that the shop needs to be sorted out”

“Do we need to have the whole whose-fault-is-this conversation again?” Howard joked, getting a small smile out of Jason.

“You know what I mean. Gary shouldn’t do this alone, it’s not his fault either”

“Ok, if you’re sure you’re up to it”

“As sure as I’m gonna get”

**********

When Jason and Howard arrived to the shop, Mark and Gary had just got in, so they had not been able to do anything yet and everything was exactly as it was after Hickman’s attack.

Gary and Mark had already seen it after that, when they had come to the shop to see how everything was, but Jason and Howard hadn’t set foot in it since that day, and the impression they got when they saw the state the shop was in was quite hard to take.

Jason couldn’t help but stare at everything that was broken or thrown on the floor and remember how it has gotten that way: the broken glass that had made a gash on his head; the broken shelf which had dropped the heavy figure on his knee...

When his gaze arrived to the broken piano, he started shaking: he could almost feel the pain of his broken arm and his bruised ribs again. He immediately noticed Howard’s hand resting on the small of his back, offering him all his support as always, even if he was almost as overwhelmed as he was. Gary approached him too and took him by the arm to move him away from the piano and to the counter.

“Jay, I thought you would come later on. I would have liked to... get some things out of the way before you came”

Jason gulped before he was able to speak. He tried to slow his breathing and even gave Gary a small smile.

“Don’t be silly, that’s what I came here for, isn’t it? So come on, let’s start, where’s the broom?”

Gary and Howard looked at each other, but decided not to say anything and let him do what he wanted. Mark, on the other hand, grabbed the dustpan and went with Jason to the other side of the room, to help him clean the broken glass –it would be difficult for Jason with just one available hand–, but basically to be by his side. Jason immediately noticed what Mark was doing, so he smiled at him in gratitude, glad to have his company, even if they worked practically in silence.

Jason could hear that Gary and Howard were talking in a low voice, having moved closer to the door so he wouldn’t’ hear them. They were probably talking about him, Gary having asked worriedly how he was doing and Howard explaining everything about his guiltiness and his worries. He would probably be telling him about the citation too. Suddenly Jason felt a strange tightness in his chest that made breathing difficult, and all of a sudden the shop was too small for him and he felt he needed to get out of there.

Mark noticed how Jason’s breathing started to speed up, as if he couldn’t get enough air. He also noticed how a cold sweat had broken on his forehead and how extremely pale he looked, almost as white as paper.

‘Jay, you ok?’ he asked, placing his hand on Jason’s shoulder.

Mark sounded so worried… It seemed like whatever Jason did these days would make someone worry: Howard, Mark, Gary… He was becoming a burden to bear to them all and the guilt and the helplessness for not knowing how to prevent it was becoming too much for him. He felt as if he was drowning, emotionally and physically, as the air suddenly didn’t reach his lungs.

“Yes, I’m… okay” he said with difficulty between shallow breaths “I just need… some… air”

Jason let go of the broom, unsteady on his feet, and quickly turned in the direction of the door, hoping the fresh air from outside would help him calm down and regain his breath. Jason needed the support of the counter as he passed by it and he leaned on it heavily before starting again.

‘Jay, wait’ Mark called him as he started following him.

‘I just need to… go outside” Jason murmured between breaths while still walking heavily to the door. As he reached one of the shelves, he tripped over it, sending a few books to the floor and causing a big noise.

‘Howard!’ Mark called him, hoping he would be able to stop Jason now that his own way had been blocked by the books. It was unnecessary, though, as both Howard and Gary had turned their heads towards them, startled by the noise. Howard immediately noticed the state his boyfriend was in, still trying to walk to the door when clearly he almost couldn’t hold his own weight, and he ran towards him.

Howard put his arms around Jason’s waist just as his knees buckled and would have ended on the floor if not for Howard’s strong grip. Howard half helped him, half carried him to the sofa at the back room and knelt in front of him when he noticed how quick and shallow Jason’s breathing was.

“Howard... I can’t... breath” Jason said between breaths, clearly frightened.

“Easy, breath with me”

“I... can’t”

“Yes, you can, it’s just an anxiety attack. Try to breath with me, deep breaths”

Howard’s calm voice and the hands resting on his thighs, lovingly stroking, made Jason leave the panic aside and concentrate in breathing as Howard asked. He soon noticed that Howard was right and there was nothing wrong with him, he was just having a nervous breakdown. His breathing started regaining the normal frequency and he rested tiredly (and a little bit embarrassed) on the back of the sofa, with his hands over his face. Howard, seeing he was better already, got up from his knees and sat at his side, not moving one of his hands from Jason’s leg to keep the contact between them. Gary and Mark stood at the door of the room, ready to help if necessary.

“Feeling better?”

“Yes, don’t worry, I don’t know what’s come over me”

“Too many emotions for one day came over you, I think” Howard told him with a little smile, caressing the top of Jason’s head.

“I’m sorry if I scared you” Jason said uncovering his face and looking at his loved one. “Causing trouble seems to be the only thing I do right these days, isn’t it?”

“You’ve not caused any trouble, you had an anxiety attack, could have happened to anyone, you held on long enough”

“Yeah, I’m so strong...” Jason answered ironically. “So strong that you have to fight my battles...”

“Is this about the citation again? I told you that it’s not your fault”

“But it is! Don’t you see it? You wouldn’t be in trouble if it wasn’t for me”

Howard sighed and put his arm around Jason’s shoulder to bring him closer to himself.

“Love, how can I make understand that none of this is your fault?”

“He told me it wasn’t over and I didn’t listen... If I had dropped my complaint like he wanted me to do now you wouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes”

“But sweetie, you have made no mistakes”

“I let him think he could have me!” Jason loudly replied.

Howard looked totally confused, but Gary immediately understood what he meant and knew he had to try to convince him he was not at fault. So he approached him and knelt in front of him, just like Howard had done a minute before, putting his hands on Jason’s knees to get his attention.

“No, Jay, I was there and I know it wasn’t like that. Maybe you went along with it at first, when it was just about being nice to him and keep him happy, but you never made him think he could have any more than that... In fact, I clearly remember how you rejected him when he asked for more. You have to stop feeling guilty about what happened twenty years ago, because it was not your fault then and it is not now”

So now Howard understood the roots of Jason guiltiness and saw they were much more profound that what had happened three days ago: the way Jason saw it, he had brought it all on himself when he was young and naïve and hadn’t been able to measure the consequences of what was happening around him. And now he felt as if Howard had been the victim of his mistake, and that was killing him. And Howard couldn’t see him suffering like this, much more on his expense.

“My love, let’s make this clear once and for all: none of this is your fault, you’ve done nothing to deserve it, it’s just something that unfortunately happened to you. And as it happened to you, it happened to me too, because I love you. So you haven’t got me into trouble, as you say, either. I got in voluntarily. And I’ll tell you once again, and as many times as you need to hear it, I don’t regret it”

“But you felt obliged to do something you didn’t like and that made you feel bad with yourself...”

“If I hadn’t he would have probably hurt you more”

“But if I had dropped the complaint...”

“Then he would still be free and I would still be worrying about you getting hurt every second of the day, and that was much worse. Believe me, I prefer it this way”

Jason, still with Howard’s arm around his shoulder, grabbed Howard’s free hand and one of Gary’s hand, as he sent a meaningful smile in Mark’s direction, who came to sit on the armrest next to Jason

“You know, guys, the three of you are the best people in the world, did you know that? I love you all” Jason’s voice broke a little as he said this, deeply moved by their love and support.

Mark leant down to place a kiss on the top of Jason’s head and hugged him. This brought a smile to Jason’s lips, so Howard and Gary chose to join in the fun and moved to embrace and kiss Jason too, all three of them surrounding him and making him disappear in between them. Jason laughed wholeheartedly as the other three kissed him endlessly and told him, all at the same time, that he was not so bad himself –Gary’s words– or that they loved him too –this came from Mark.

When all the silliness ended and only Howard’s arm remained around the small of his back, Jason still had a big smile on his face. He felt so grateful that he only wanted to do something for them. And the best thing would be to put the whole Hickman ordeal behind him and get back the life they all share and love together.

“I’m sorry for getting out of control like this, guys...”

“It’s okay, you silly” Mark fondly reprimanded him.

“I didn’t want to say anything” Gary intervened, with mockery in his voice, “but I think you two aren’t good for each other”

“Why do you say that?” Howard asked, more intrigued than anything.

“Well, look at it this way. Jason has this... problem” Gary didn’t want to put it into words, but all of them knew what he was talking about, “and you worry like hell while he tries to make light of the situation. Now you have this accusation thing and he is the one breaking down while you don’t bat an eyelid. Both of you only suffer for the other, so you must not be very good for each other. You see what I mean?”

Howard and Jason chuckled and then looked at each other.

“We see what you mean” Jason said, addressing to Gary but still staring at Howard’s eyes, “but we couldn’t care less”

“Yes” Howard added, “we happen to think we are a bloody marvel together”

They all laughed at that, glad of the joking after such an emotional moment.

“Well, guys, what do you say we finish fixing the shop and then we go and have lunch at the shopping center? We could go to the cinema after that, it’s been ages since the last time. I heard that films have colour now” Jason joked.

”That’s the best idea ever!” Mark exclaimed, clearly excited. “Come on, you guys, what are you waiting for? We have some work to do before we leave”

Gary laughed and followed his boyfriend to the front of the shop. Jason made a move to stand up and follow his friends, but Howard’s grip on his waist stopped his movement. Jason looked at him, confused, and could only see love and devotion in Howard’s eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Jason smiled one of his million-dollar smiles and nodded convincingly.

“I’m okay. I’ll always be okay as long as I have you by my side”

Now it was Howard’s turn to smile.

“Then you’ll always be okay”

They approached one another until their lips met in a deep and loving kiss that lingered and filled their hearts. Then they just looked at one another, their foreheads touching, and smiled, both feeling loved and with a renewed sense of hope in their hearts. A tender and understanding moment that only Gary’s loud voice coming from the front of the shop and demanding their help could break. They just laughed and Howard took Jason’s hand as they stood up and moved to the other room to be with their friends.


	17. Chapter 17

A couple of days later Jason and Howard invited Robbie and his wife Ayda to dinner, as they had decided some days ago. This way, Robbie could explain to them how the whole testifying thing would go and, at the same time, they could thank him for his help with a nice dinner.

They had spent half the afternoon getting a good dinner ready, as Jason always liked to be a great host whenever they had guests. A couple of hours before the time they had agreed with Robbie and Ayda for them to come, Jason was trying to decide what to wear that night as Howard sat on the bed, looking at him and keeping him company.

“And when was the last time you saw Rob?” Jason asked as he stood in front of the wardrobe, trying to decide which shirt to pick.

“Well, we speak over the phone every now and again, but we haven’t seen each other for weeks actually. I guess with him being all that busy with his new job it’s more difficult to find the time. And you know I’m too careless too make a bigger effort, so...”

Jason smiled at this, turning around with a shirt on his hands.

“Yes, I know you tend to get a bit lazy with your social life. I’m lucky I was the exception and you spent so much time courting me when we met”

“Me? Wasn’t it you following me around for weeks until I took pity on you and asked you out?”

“I’m pretty sure it was the other way around” Jason smiled as he took the T-shirt he was wearing off and put on the newly-picked shirt.  “Could you help me up with this bloody shirt, please?” Jason asked his boyfriend, clearly frustrated with his inability to do up the buttons because of the uncomfortable cast on his arm. “It seems I can’t have anything done with this”

Howard smiled fondly and approached his boyfriend to help him with the clothes. Jason smiled at him gratefully and kissed his nose while Howard battled with the buttons on his shirt. This made Howard pause on his job and just put his hands on Jason’s hips to get him closer to himself while joining their lips in a searing kiss. When the kiss ended Howard leant his forehead against Jason’s, trying to regain his breath.

“I’d very much rather be undoing your shirt than doing it up” Howard told him in a lustful voice, without really thinking about it. When he noticed the lack of response on his boyfriend and the surprise on his face everything came back to him with a vengeance; he let his hands drop from Jason’s hips and moved away from him, ashamed of himself –even if Jason hadn’t said or done anything to make him feel this way.

“I’m so sorry, please forgive me” Howard implored without looking at him.

“Forgive what?” Jason asked, kind of confused but sensing what it might be about.

“I shouldn’t have made that kind of move on you, I’m sorry”

“What, kissing me? I kissed you first”

“No, I mean... making that hint about...”

“About wanting to undress me? I don’t remember you apologizing about it before” Jason tried to make light of the situation, but Howard was not having it.

“I shouldn’t have made any insinuations... you know what I mean”

“About making love? You can say it, How. We’ve never been the ones to beat about the bush, let’s not start now”

Howard finally turned around to look at Jason, expecting to find disgust, disappointment or fear on his face, but instead he only found love and a little bit of amusement.

“It’s just... it’s kind of a delicate issue now and I was not very tactful, to say the least”

“How, I’m not made of glass and I’m not going to break. I wouldn’t like to think we can talk about anything just because of what happened. It was you who said that this would not change anything between us, but I can see that’s not true”

“I don’t want to... remind you of him and of what he... tried to do”

“If you think for one minute that you could remind me of him in any way then you don’t have a very high opinion on my feelings for you”

Howard sighed and brought his hand to his face to rub it while trying to find the words to make it all okay again. They day had started great, how could he have ruined it in such a silly way?

“I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry if I offended you”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I just didn’t want you to... remember about what happened because of me asking something out of you that you don’t want”

Jason understood Howard’s reluctance towards their intimacy. It was not because of lack of want, but for fear of hurting him.

“But don’t you see this is the difference? You asked. He didn’t”

Howard failed to answer, at a loss for words. Jason started to worry if there would be anything more to Howard’s reluctance to want to touch him or even to talk about it.

“Is this... because you don’t see me as before?” Jason asked, his voice breaking.

“What? No, my God, of course not” Howard hurried to comfort him, grabbing both his hands, terribly sorry for having made him feel like this. “You’re perfect, as always”

“Then what is it?”

“I didn’t want you to feel as if you had an obligation to fulfil to me. I didn’t want to do it...”

“To make love” Jason corrected him, annoyingly amused again.

“I didn’t want to make love with you if you weren’t ready... And I didn’t want to say anything to avoid putting any pressure on you”

Jason let go of Howard’s hands and grabbed the back of his head with one hand, as the other curled around his waist.

“And what if I say I’m ready?”

Howard guided his own hand to Jason’s forehead to move the hair that fell there away from his face as he looked at his eyes, trying to read in them if Jason was being sincere or just wanted to do it for Howard. Jason felt the uncertainty on his boyfriend and made the decision for him: he leant over to capture Howard’s lips with his own as he moved even closer to his body, leaving no space between them. The hesitation on Howard disappeared not much later because of the fact that Jason was kissing him so willingly and passionately, so he enthusiastically began to respond to the kiss, deepening it, and putting his arms around Jason’s waist possessively as he pushed him gently towards the bed.

Jason sat on the bed bringing Howard down with him, not wanting to break their kiss. He laid down on his back and Howard ended up on top of him, only leaving Jason’s lips to make a trail of kisses down his jaw and his neck as his hands searched blindly for the buttons he had done up just minutes ago, this time to do the exact opposite.

When Jason’s chest was exposed Howard moved his hands over it, savouring the feeling of touching again a skin he knew so well, ignoring the already fading bruises on his middle, and then he repeated the action with his lips, kissing every inch of skin from his neck to his stomach.

Jason was in such a bliss that he involuntarily let the air out of his lungs in a sigh that Howard misinterpreted as one of fear or anxiety for what was about to happen, and that made him stop immediately to look at Jason’s eyes.

“Are you really sure? I don’t want you doing it for me”

“Howard, I love you. I trust you. I know you would never hurt me. And I want us to be completely okay again. I want this as much you do, I promise. Just... be gentle”

Howard looked at him intently, but Jason just smiled at him.

“I’ve missed this”

A smile broke on Howard’s lips too at hearing this and his only answer was to kiss Jason again, deep and loving, as he took one of his hands and entwined their fingers together, while with the other one he started unfastening Jason’s belt.

**********

A noise startled Jason awake. He looked around, confused at seeing himself in bed at dusk, lying on his back and completely given over to the pleasures of sleep until a moment ago. Howard was lying practically on top of him, face down, with an arm possessively around his waist and one of his legs in between Jason’s, his face nuzzling Jason’s neck with every breath he took. Jason wondered what had woken him up when the sound of the entry phone ringing again gave him the answer he was looking for.

“Oh my God! Howard!” Jason screamed, pushing Howard away from him and making him roll over until he almost fell off the bed.

“What the hell...?” Howard asked practically without vocalizing, trying to disentangle himself from the sheets curled around his legs and still trying to figure out what was wrong with Jason.

“It’s Robbie! He’s already here for dinner, and look at us!” Jason answered, frantically looking for his discarded clothes around the bed and starting to dress as well as he could, given his hysteric state and the cast on his arm.

“Relax, he’s our friend, not the Queen” Howard answered, standing up sleepily and moving out of the room.

“Howard, where the hell are you going? You’re completely naked!” Jason shouted at him from the room.

“I know I’m naked, I’m not that sleep” Howard answered, coming back to the room a couple of seconds later and starting to get dressed rapidly. “I just went to buzz them in the building, we have a couple of minutes more before they get up to our door”

“I still need help with this damned buttons” Jason asked, clearly frustrated.

Howard, already dressed but not as smartly as Jason would have liked, moved to help him when the door bell rang.

“Oh my God, they are already here, go and get it, quick” Jason ordered Howard, who was quite amused at Jason’s attitude.

“I thought you wanted me to do your shirt up, so what’s it to be then?”

“Go and get the door, I’ll just put on a sweater or something”

Howard could only chuckle affectionately as he moved out of the room, while Jason still shouted at him from the room.

“And comb your hair!”

Howard opened the door and smiled at his friend Robbie standing there with his wife Ayda. Howard embraced Robbie warmly and kissed Ayda’s cheek as he let them in. Jason came out of the room in this same moment, discreetly putting his hair in order and smiling casually at them before moving to greet them too.

“Took you long enough to open the door for us” Robbie complained jokingly as he took his jacket off and gave it to Jason.

“We were... busy with something” Howard asked, being infuriatingly cool about it, making Robbie smile mischievously.

“Do I want to know?”

“You probably don’t” Howard answered, chuckling.

“So much for being discreet” Jason grumbled, slightly annoyed and quite embarrassed, making everybody laugh at his expense.

When they sat on the living room to have a drink before dinner, Robbie turned serious for a second and looked intently at Jason, trying to see if he was alright. From the moment Howard had introduced Jason to him as his boyfriend, right at the beginning of their relationship, Robbie had always had a soft spot for him. He liked his openness, his easy smile, his capacity to give a different perspective about anything. And, above all, how happy he made Howard, who was like a brother to him, even if they didn’t see each other as much as they used too. So when Howard had explained everything that had happened this last few weeks, Robbie had felt very sorry and had worried about him endlessly, hoping the whole ordeal hadn’t changed him.

So Robbie put a hand on Jason’s wrist to get his attention.

“I’m very sorry about what happened. Are you alright”

Jason felt a bit uncomfortable at being the centre of attention again because of what had happened, but understood it was out of worry about him and smiled at him gratefully.

“Well, I’m working on it” he smiled at Howard, who had grabbed his other hand and squeezed it, “but I’m much better than I was. I’ll be alright with this is over”

**********

A while later, the four of them were having dinner, comfortable in each other’s company. Howard had showed Robbie the citation he had received, and Robbie had read it carefully before deciding it was nothing to worry about.

“Like I told you over the phone, this is not a trial. That’s why you don’t even really need a lawyer. You’ll just have to testify in front of the judge to explain what happened and then he’ll decide whether the complaint is accepted or not”

“And what do you think are the odds?” Jason asked, not so easily reassured by Robbie’s words.

“The odds are clearly in your favour. Sure, Howard could have not punched him so much...”

“He was just trying to defend me” Jason interrupted him, a bit on the defensive.

“I know, I’m not judging him. If it had been me...” he said, looking at Ayda “I would have done exactly the same. I meant to the eyes of justice. But the judge will know everything about the situation, about everything that had happened before and what was happening at that moment, so he will probably tell you off to do his bit and you’ll be free of charges”

Howard sighed loudly and caressed Jason’s face, looking intently at him, with the back of his hand.

“Let’s hope you’re right”

**********

The day to testify came and both Jason and Robbie accompanied Howard to the court, although they could not enter with him to the judge’s office. Howard had not been nervous at all, and that seemed to reassure Jason some as he waited for him to finish.

A little while later the door to the office opened and Howard came out, causing both Jason and Robbie to jump from their seats. Jason grabbed one of Howard’s hands, anxious to know.

“How did it go, love?”

“Well, I don’t know anything yet, of course, but I think it went pretty well”

“Really? Do you think so?”

“Well, like you said” Howard turned to Robbie at this “he scolded me a little for taking the law into my own hands, but she seemed pretty empathetic about the whole thing”

“Rob, when do you think we will know something about it?” Jason asked.

“Well, a few days at the least, this things take their time. But I’m sure it will be alright, stop worrying about it”

“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything” Jason joked.

“It’s all we can ask” Howard told him with a kiss to his cheek.

**********

Next day Gary woke up late. As it was Saturday and Mark didn’t have to go the bank, he hadn’t set the alarm and nothing had woken Gary up until the sun was high in the sky. Not that he was in a big hurry, but he had wanted to work on the shop today to try and have it sorted out to open on Monday.

He didn’t know if he should wake Mark up, he was a late sleeper and enjoyed his mornings in bed pretty much, but he stirred anyway as Gary was dressing.

“Hey, where are you going?” Mark asked, rubbing his eyes to get the sleep off of them.

“To the shop. I thought if I work on it enough today, I will be able to open again on Monday”

“And you thought you would go alone?” Mark asked as he was already getting up from the bed.

“I didn’t want to wake you”

“Well, as I’m already awake, what do you say I go with you?”

“I say I would love it if you did”

“Ok, just let me take a shower, then” Mark told him as he passed him by on his way to the shower and kissed his cheek.

**********

When Mark and Gary made it to the shop, they found out that they were not the first ones there: Jason and Howard were already working, and by the looks of it they had already been there for a while.

“Hey, guys, what are you doing here?” Gary asked as he and Mark entered the shop.

“I guess the same as you came for, only we didn’t overslept” Jason answered with a smile on his face.

Gary noticed the couple had made a good job and practically everything was on its place, all the broken things disappeared. Even the piano.

“I see you’ve... getting rid of the piano” Gary asked with a mixture of hesitation and disappointment on his voice.

“Yes, it didn’t do anybody any good to have it here, and you said it was irreparable, so... Did I do wrong?” Jason asked, kind of regretfully.

“No, no, of course not. I just hadn’t had the heart to do it myself” Gary smiled at him a bit sadly.

The four of them kept working in silence for a bit, tidying up the last things that remained out of place and cleaning the dust accumulated for so many days without cleaning. Gary looked around for a second and felt satisfied of the work done there, as they would definitely be able to open on Monday.

“Well, guys, we’ve done a good job of it, don’t you think?”

“Yes, it looks even better than before” Mark remarked.

“Yes, at least it’s clean now” Howard joked.

“What’s that supposed to mean, that we didn’t keep the shop clean before?” Jason asked, trying vainly to look offended.

Before anyone could answer that question, they heard a knock and then the main door opened to let Robbie in.

“Hello, everyone” Robbie said, as he casually entered the shop.

“Hey, Rob” Howard greeted him, “what are you doing here?”

“Well, I went to your home and you weren’t there, so I figured I’d find you here”

“Is there something wrong?” Jason asked, moving to stand next to his boyfriend, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Jay, do I look like someone who comes to bring bad news?” Robbie joked, making Jason relax instantly.

“No, you don’t”

“That’s because I’m not bringing bad news. But I may be bringing  _some_ news”

“Come on, Rob” Howard implored jokingly. “Stop beating about the bush and tells us”

“Okay, but only because it’s you. I happened to go to the court today, and I happened to meet a certain judge that I know from a long time ago, and she happened to be the one hearing your case, and she happened to tell me, off the record, her resolution to it”

“And?” Jason asked, unable to hide his hopefulness.

“And it looks like the complaint will be rejected. You’re a free man, mate”

Jason brought his hands to his mouth over a big grin breaking there, not ready yet to believe everything had gone okay. Howard stayed still and quiet for a second, trying to assimilate the good news, but then he turned to his boyfriend, standing right next to him, and saw his happiness reflected on his eyes, so he couldn’t help but engulf him in a bear hug, lifting him from the floor and spinning them around, both of them laughing loudly.

Gary and Mark just put an arm around each other and smiled, happy to see their friends like this and glad that everything had turn out well at the end.

When Howard put Jason down he noticed a few tears running down Jason’s cheeks and he caught them with his thumbs.

“Hey, you silly thing, why are you crying? Everything is alright now”

“I know, I just can’t seem to stop. But these are happy tears, I promise” Jason answered, laughing and crying at the same time, making Howard chuckle fondly and just pull him back to him with an arm around his shoulder to kiss the top of his head.

Jason moved out of Howard’s arms and went to embrace Robbie tightly.

“Thank you so much”

Robbie returned the embrace willingly, glad to see his friends so happy.

“You’re welcome, but as much as I would like to take credit for it, the truth is I didn’t do much”

“You did enough. We’ll never forget it” Jason said as he broke the embrace to let Howard hug Robbie now.

“Yes, thank you so much, mate”

Robbie only nodded, too moved to risk talking without breaking down too.

Gary approached Jason and put his arm around his waist in a half embrace, trying to console him even if he knew his tears weren’t of sadness this time. Jason smiled at him appreciatively.

“Hey, this calls for a little celebration, doesn’t it?” Gary directed his gaze at Jason, but it was a question for everyone.

“Yeah, of course! Robbie, you’re coming too, right?” Jason asked.

“I should go back to Ayda, she’s expecting me for lunch”

“Why don’t you go and get her and meet us later?” Howard asked his friend.

“We would love you to come” Jason pleaded, almost pouting, to which Robbie could only laugh and agree.

“Ok, I’ll call you later to see where you are”

“Thank you, Rob” Robbie could tell Jason meant much more than just the fact he would be accompanying them to dinner.

“You’re welcome”

**********

“I want to go with you” Howard told Jason, clearly worried about him.

He and Jason were waiting on the hall of the prison to be taken to see Hickman. The night before, feeling happy and carefree after the little celebration with their friends, Jason had told Howard there was only one thing left for him to really put an end to the whole Hickman ordeal: he wanted to go and see him and tell him it was over.

Howard immediately thought it was a terrible idea and tried to get it out of his head, even as he knew that when Jason set his mind on something it was practically impossible to stop him. He worried that seeing his aggressor again would make Jason go back to the state of fear and sadness that had taken over him on the first days after the attack. But Jason had insisted unwearyingly that he needed to do it, so at the end the only thing left for Howard to do was to accompany him and offer him his support if he needed it.

Jason just smiled and grabbed both of Howard’s hands with his owns.

“I appreciate it, really, but I have to do this on my own. I must fight my own battles”

“It’s our battles”

“I know, but I really have to do this. I need him to see I’m not afraid of him”

Howard hesitated, but Jason squeezed his hands and pulled him towards him to kiss his lips for a second. Howard could only nod his approval.

“I’ll be waiting for you right here”

Jason nodded and kissed him again before letting go of his hands and disappearing behind the door with a warder.

Jason was taken to a room with a line of chairs facing one big glass and was told to wait on one of them for the prisoner to come. Only a couple of minutes later, he saw Hickman appear through a door at the other side of the glass, and smile impertinently at him as he sat on the chair in front of his.

Both Hickman and Jason picked up the phone next to them with very different conversations on their minds. Hickman couldn’t help to be the first one to talk, so happy he was to have his victim in front of him once more.

“Well, look who’s here. Were you missing me too much already? Or do you have anything to say to me, like ‘please, leave my beautiful boyfriend out of this’? Hickman said, faking a stupid voice.

“In fact, I have something to tell you” Jason answered with a security in his voice that he was really feeling this time. “You know this thing you did? That twisted and devious strategy to hurt me through him? It was all for nothing and my boyfriend has gone free of charges”

“That’s not true, I haven’t heard anything about it”

“We just found out. I was anxious to give you the good news. Don’t worry, you’ll get your letter soon enough”

Hickman was looking quite displeased, but was clearly trying not to show it in front of Jason. But Jason, of course, hadn’t had enough yet.

“And I wanted to tell you something else. I’m not afraid of you, not anymore. Because there’s absolutely nothing you can do to hurt me. You wanted to destroy me in revenge for something for which I’m not to blame. It’s been hard for me to believe it, but now I know none of this is my fault”

Hickman chuckled ironically, playing his last cards to at least try to make a hint in Jason’s newly-found confidence.

“And what do you say about the fact you let me believe...”

“Do you mind? I’m not finished” Jason asked with an infuriatingly calm politeness and confidence that for once left Hickman without words.

“Back then the only mistake I did was to go along with what Nigel wanted. But you knew this, so you can’t go lamenting on how I made you believe I wanted something more with you because you were perfectly aware of what was going on. And I told you ‘no’ when the time for it came. And you tried to force me. Then and again twenty years later. So no, I’m not to blame, and I won’t be feeling guilty about it”

“Well, you’ve changed pretty much since last time we met”

“We didn’t exactly met, you mean the last time you stalked me, right? But yes, I’ve changed my point of view since then, thanks to my boyfriend and my friends, who made me see the truth. So now you see, you can’t hurt me anymore. In any way”

“And what if I go free after the trial too?”

This time it was Jason’s turn to show his irony through a chuckle.

“Both you and I know that’s not going to happen. There’s enough evidence and witnesses to sentence you for a long time”

“Even if that is true, I’m not going to be in prison forever. One day I’ll be out, and that day we’ll meet again, you can be sure of that”

“Maybe. But I’ll worry about that when the time comes. My main purpose in life now is... to be happy again, so as you can see there’s no room for you in my mind. And that is all I wanted to say so now I’m finished” Jason finished and was about to hang up the phone when another threat came out of Hickman’s mouth, refusing to let him have the last word.

“This is not over”

“No, you’re right, it will be over after the trial. Hope you don’t have too hard a time until then. Goodbye” Jason added, this time conveniently hanging up the phone without giving Hickman the chance to say anything more, and moved to the door without looking back.

He walked along the corridor again, this time in the opposite direction, until he found Howard again, waiting for him nervously, judging by the fact he was biting his nails leaning on the wall. As soon as he saw Jason he hurried to him, and was quite surprised and glad to see him smiling –he had expected another kind of emotions on him after such an encounter, as fear, sadness or at least a little anxiety.

“I was going to ask if you’re alright, but judging by the grin on your face I don’t know what to do anymore” Howard joked, relieved to see Jason was okay.

Jason laughed and embraced Howard tightly.

“Do you know what?” Jason said when the embrace ended and he could look at Howard at the face, “I feel so happy right now”

“Really?” Howard asked, not even trying to stop the silly grin spreading over his features.

“Yes. Because now it really is over”

Howard’s grin grew even more to match that of his boyfriend. He put his arm around Jason’s shoulder to pull him towards him and kiss him full on the lips, savouring the happiness emanating from this beautiful and incredible creature he loved so much. When the kiss broke Jason laughed about his lover’s romantic antics as they both started walking towards the exit, arms around each other, big smiles on their faces and hearts bursting with love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more to go! :(


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, this is the end!! I was going to make a little chapter as en epilogue, and turns out it's the longest chapter of them all! I kept writing and writing... I think I was sad this had com to an end and didn't want to say goodbye to them... Just so you know before you start to read, it's an extremely fluffy and sugary chapter, not fit for diabetics, LOL! Hope you enjoy it!

Howard looked at the calendar hanging from the kitchen’s wall and noticed once again the difference from other years: his birthday was not marked on it this year.

Jason was good with dates, extremely good, to the point of never forgetting a birthday, an anniversary or any date worth celebrating. And he loved to mark them on the calendar with a red marker, drawing a frame around the number in question and writing something silly next to it. Howard remembered with a smile his birthday’s mark on the calendar from last year: a heart-shaped frame around his day’s number with the words “my man’s getting old today” and a smiley in Jason’s beautiful handwriting. Howard had pretended to be offended about the reference to his age, but Jason knew better and they both had laughed about it for days.

That was a year ago. This year, barely a week away from his birthday, no marker frames were on the calendar; no reference had been made about what he wanted as a gift; no preparations for a big celebration were being made. It seemed that the impossible had happened: Jason had forgotten all about his birthday this year.

Not that he blamed him, of course. He had had other things to worry about, much more important things, in the last few weeks. Even if he was doing much better now, Howard knew there was still some way to go to be completely well again.

Physically only the cast on his arm –that was to be taken off on the following day– and a tiny scar on the top of his head, where a broken glass had made a deep gash, were the only visible remainders of the terrifying ordeal he had had to go through. Emotionally, the scars were not that visible, but much more profound. Like when all off a sudden he would feel an unfounded anxiety that only disappeared if he clung to Howard’s hand for a few minutes. Or the sporadic nightmare that would leave him breathless with fear until Howard hugged him tight against his chest and whispered soothing words on his ear.

Nobody apart from Howard knew about this, not even Gary and Mark, as Jason was too proud to show them his weaknesses: to their eyes, Jason was doing great. Maybe not completely well, because he had become a less trusting and extrovert person with people he didn’t feel that comfortable with, but he had gone a long way since the panic-stricken and extremely silent man from the first days after the attack. They didn’t get to see the faraway look that invaded his eyes when suddenly he was absorbed in deep thought, how his hands shook when he felt insecure, or how a cold sweat broke in his forehead whenever he had a nightmare. Only Howard could see it, the only person Jason trusted a hundred per cent, and the only thing he could do in those difficult times –that were luckily becoming less and less as Jason advanced on his road to recovery– was to be at his side and offer him his comfort and support.

So all in all, Howard didn’t have the heart to reproach him for not remembering his birthday. And he didn’t want to remind him of it, because he knew Jason and that would surely make him feel guilty, which Howard didn’t want at all. Besides, it was not that important, right? He would have another birthday next year, and they would celebrate it then, when things were better. He really thought that, but he couldn’t help to feel a bit sad that his birthday was going to go unnoticed for once. Jason always gave the best celebrations.

**********

“I hate this, look at it!” Jason exclaimed pointing at his arm, as they got out of the hospital just after his cast been removed from his arm. He clearly hadn’t expected his arm to look –and feel– so lifeless.

Howard chuckled fondly at him and put a hand around his waist to bring him closer to him while with the other he very carefully grabbed the extremely pale and skinny arm of his boyfriend to inspect it.

“And what were you expecting, love? That the cast would go and your arm would feel strong and healthy as if nothing had happened?”

“I guess I just didn’t give it that much thought. I had never broken anything before, I didn’t know it would turn out like this”

“You just have to give it a little time to regain its strength and it will be as good as new in no time, you’ll see” Howard comforted him with a kiss to his temple.

“And to think I was planning to do some push-ups this afternoon...”

Howard laughed out loud at this and squeezed Jason to him.

“You’ll have to wait a few days to do them”

**********

“Honey, don’t forget to take a jacket, in case it gets cooler at nights” Jason advised his boyfriend from the kitchen while putting away the now clean dishes from breakfast, as Howard packed his bag in the bedroom. “Even in sunny Spain it is not that warm at this time of year yet”

Howard had been hired for a couple of gigs in a fashionable club in Barcelona. It was going to be his first work trip after the attack, and he was quite nervous about leaving Jason behind. And if you added that tomorrow was his birthday and he was going to be away, the perspective of travelling was not very appealing to Howard.

“Don’t worry, I took clothes enough for a week, instead of three days”

“I hope you don’t decide to stay there that long, then” Jason joked coming into the room and encircling his partner from behind with his arms around his waist.

“I’m not sure if I should even go for three days” Howard lamented as he caressed the arms –now without a cast– around his waist.

“Didn’t we just go through that already?” Jason asked, not breaking the embrace but changing his positions so he was standing in front of his boyfriend and could look at him in the eye. “I thought we had agreed it was ok for you to go”

“Yeah, I know but...”

“But what?”

“I worry about you”

“Hey, I’m okay. I don’t even have the cast anymore, I can do everything by myself now”

“I didn’t mean that” Howard said, lowering his gaze away from Jason’s reading eyes. But Jason was having none of that and gently grabbed Howard’s chin to force him to look at him again.

“Then what is it?”

“What if you get anxious again and I’m not at your side to help you? Or you have another nightmare?”

Jason smiled at him and kissed him softly in the lips.

“You can’t even begin to imagine how much I love you right now. But you don’t have to worry, I’ll be okay. Hey, I haven’t had a nightmare for days, have I?”

“No, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen once you are alone”

“I know, but we’ll have to face up this situation some time or another, won’t we? So why don’t do it now, that I’m doing so great, and get it over with?”

Howard knew Jason was right, and it was something they had to do sooner or later, but that didn’t make him feel better.

“Besides, better to do it now, that you’re only going to be away for three days, and not on one of your week-long travels”

“I guess you’re right”

“But don’t say it with such sorrow!” Jason joked, caressing Howard’s cheek with the back of his hand. “Smile for me, please. You get ugly when you’re sad”

Howard chuckled at this, grateful to Jason for wanting to make it all better.

“Geez, thanks” Howard told him, playfully slapping Jason’s rear.

“See? Now you look handsome again”

Howard smiled at him again and this time it was he who encircled Jason’s waist with his arms and brought him towards him so there was no space left in between them. He captured his lips in his and gave him a long and loving kiss, one of his hands moving to the back of Jason’s head to caress his hair. Jason’s hands, in the meantime, moved to Howard’s back and lifted his T-shirt a bit so he could touch his skin.

“Ok, you have to stop that if you want me to catch my plane” Howard murmured against Jason’s lips, reluctantly breaking the kiss.

Jason smiled at him, leaning his forehead on Howard’s, but didn’t move a centimetre away from him.

“What were you saying about not wanting to go...?” Jason insisted, accompanying his words with soft kisses to Howard’s neck.

“Oh, but you convinced me to go, remember?” Howard replied, moving his head to the side to give Jason’s mouth better access to his neck.

“Not really” Jason answered, adding a bit more of tongue to the kisses.

“Ok, now you really have to stop this” Howard laughed, gently disentangling himself from Jason’s grip.

Jason smiled at him too as he watched him grabbing his luggage and his handbag.

“Are you sure you’ve got everything with you?” Jason asked, always the practical one.

“I think so. Wouldn’t it be great if I forgot something and I couldn’t go, though?”

“No, it wouldn’t, you lazy boy. It’s about time you get some work done, isn’t it?” Jason said with a tone and a smile that clearly belied his words.

“You’re right, I better stop living by my wits” Howard kept with the joking as he moved to Jason again.

He sighed and then, all mockery forgotten, embraced him tightly to him.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I promise”

“If you need me, call me, please. Whatever hour it is, I don’t care”

“I’m sure it won’t be necessary”

“But promise me you’ll do it if it is”

“I promise”

They reluctantly broke the embrace and looked intently at each other for a couple of seconds, before Howard gently grabbed Jason’s chin and brought his face near his to give him one last loving kiss, and then he turned around and was out of the door before he had the chance for a change of heart.

Jason remained rooted to the spot for a good minute after Howard’s leaving, already missing him. He felt bad he had had to feign, but it was the only way to get Howard to go. And he was sure Howard would be grateful for it at the end.

**********

Howard sat on the plane, pretending to listen to some music on his Ipod, but his mind and his heart were far from it: he only could think of Jason, and if he would be alright without him at his side, especially at night. He tried to convince himself that it was only for three days and that Jason was an independent and strong person. My God, he thought, I’ve turned into an old woman, with all that worrying.

He hoped Jason wouldn’t notice that Howard’s birthday was next day, because he would be feeling very guilty, and Howard really thought there was no reason to feel that way, could have happened to anyone. But he couldn’t help to feel sad about spending his birthday away from his loved one. Now I look like a little kid, he thought. He better started acting his age and worry about things that were really important. As soon as he landed, he would call Jason to make sure he was still okay.

**********

Jason was already at the shop when Gary arrived that morning. When he saw his friend already there he smiled at him and then went to hang his jacket.

“Good morning, Gaz”

“Morning, mate. Wow, you’re early. Let me guess: Howard already left and you were feeling lonely at home?” Gary asked with an understanding smile.

“Not exactly. He left, you’re right about that, but I came early because I had something to do”

“And what would that be?”

Jason didn’t answer with words, but gave a big smile to Gary and then made a move with his head to point at something at the other side of the room. Gary turned around to look at it and his mouth fell open at seeing his beloved piano, looking as good as new, standing there, next to the wall.

“What the...? What is...? How?” Gary couldn’t find the words to express his surprise as he tenderly caressed the instrument, while Jason laughed and moved to stand beside him.

“I chose not to believe you when you said it was irreparable”

“But how did you do it?”

“I didn’t, I wouldn’t even know where to start! I just found some really good restorers that gave me their word they could do it, so I made the necessary arrangements for them to come and get it and then deliver it when it was finished. And it is finished now, so... surprise!”

Gary smiled, too moved to talk, and just embraced his best friend warmly.

“You didn’t have to do it”

“I felt bad about it...”

“How many times? It was not your fault”

“I know, really, I know that now, but I felt bad you had lost something you loved so much, and if it was in my hands to do something about it...”

“Still... you didn’t have to do it. It’s not my birthday”

“Just take it as a thank you for everything you’ve done for me these last few weeks. Well, it really is a thank you for being there for the last twenty years! But especially these last few weeks, I wouldn’t have made it without you. You’re the best friend a man could ask for”

“I only did what I had to do, you’re my best friend too, you know”

They were very close to tears now, and both them could tell, so they separated from each other, looking everywhere but at the other one, clearly embarrassed. It was Gary who broke the tension, clearing his throat and suspiciously rubbing the spot underneath his eye.

“So, do you have everything ready for today?”

“Yes, everything’s ready”

“Ok, then as soon as Mark finishes at the bank we’ll come and get you at your home, right?”

“Right, perfect” Jason said, with one of his big smiles.

“It’s going to be great”

**********

Howard looked at his phone again: it was way past midnight and he still hadn’t been able to reach Jason on the phone. He hoped everything was alright. The truth was that Jason was a complete disaster with his phone, quite hard to reach at the best of times, because he always left it forgotten on a bag or in a pocket, or at home... But he tended to have it with him all the time whenever Howard was away in case he called... He sighed again, as he continued with his job as a DJ.

A waiter from the pub approached him to give him a note and told him that someone had asked for the DJ to read it because it was their boyfriend’s birthday and wanted to surprise him. It was not strange to get petitions like this, though Howard was not at all in the mood today for this: especially when it was already his birthday too, and didn’t have Jason at his side to celebrate. But well, it wouldn’t be that hard to do it, he only needed to read a few words.

He took the note and approached to the mic.

“Someone here has a special thing to say to his loved one for his birthday. It says no name in here, but I’m sure he will know it’s for him. I’ll just read it”

Howard grabbed the note and started to read:

_ I want to say happy birthday to the most important person in the world to me, the person who has been by my side through the hardest of times, who has given me everything without making an issue of it, who protects me against all the bad in the world, and who gives the most magical hugs. _

Wait, hadn’tHoward heard this about magical hugs before?

_ I couldn’t let him spend his birthday alone after giving me all his strength to go on. I would even admit I was the one following him around for weeks until he took pity on me and asked me out if that would make him happy. _

Wait a minute, could this be...?

_ He’s capable of doing things he doesn’t like just to protect me, that strong and caring he is. And that is why I love him with all my heart. And that is why he’s my hero. Happy birthday, How. _

Howard couldn’t believe the words he had just read had been written by the person he loved the most in the world –and who he thought was at home, at Manchester. His vision blurred with tears, he raised his head to look at each one of the faces of the people in front of him. He only had to turn his head a little to the side to find what he was looking for: Jason was standing there, only a few meters away from him, with the widest smile he had ever given him. Howard didn’t lose a second and started making his way through the crowd towards his boyfriend, who was waiting patiently for him next to the wall, his smile not faltering one bit.

When he reached Jason he didn’t even spare a second to say anything or even to look at him: he just enveloped him in a bear hug, lifting him from the floor. And then, as Jason’s legs went around his waist and his arms engulfed Howard’s neck, he kissed his boyfriend passionately, fiercely, as if the world was about to end the next day. And the emotion he felt at his heart at the moment grew even more when Jason eagerly returned the kiss, arms and legs surrounding him in a powerful embrace, cot seeming to have any intention of letting him go.

When the kiss finally broke because of the lack of oxygen, they looked at each other in the eye and gave each other a big smile, just before Jason, still in Howard’s arms, embraced him with all his might again, stroked his hair and whispered in his ear: “I love you”.

Howard felt new tears sprang to his eyes –why was he feeling so emotional? – and he squeezed Jason to him again, when suddenly a hand touched his shoulder and a voice close to his ear spoke to him.

“Guys, don’t you think the DJ is given quite a show already as it is?” Howard recognized Gary’s joking voice and Mark laughing next to him.

Howard reluctantly put Jason down on the floor, but didn’t move his arm from around him, the happiness of having him there by surprise was so great. And the fact that Gary and Mark were there with them too just added to the wonderful feeling inside him. He looked at each of them until his gaze settled finally on his boyfriend.

“What the hell are you lot doing here?”

“Well, honey, if you thought you were going to spend your birthday alone you don’t know me as well as you think” Jason answered just before lovingly kissing his boyfriend’s cheek. “Happy birthday, by the way”

“Of course I know you would never forget about my birthday under normal circumstances, but... well, with everything that’s happened lately, I thought...”

“How, love, nothing, and I mean nothing, could keep me away from you on your birthday”

“I would have completely understood if you had forgotten...”

“I would have never forgiven myself if I had forgotten...”

Howard gave him a watery smile and kissed him again.

“Ok, you two, get a room” Gary joked, provoking a big laugh from the other three.

“And why did you have to bring these two with you?” Howard turned to Jason, keeping with the joking atmosphere.

“Well, a surprise party with just one guest seemed pretty poor to me. That, and the fact they didn’t let me come on my own. Hearing them you would think a recovering broken arm is something life-threatening or something” Jason jokingly complained, actually quite grateful for their worry.

“So what’s the plan, then?”

“Well, the plan is for you to finish your gig, for starters. Then, as it will be too late for much more, we’ll go to the hotel” Jason then approached Howard’s ear so only he would hear what he was about to say “and have a little celebration of our own”

Howard looked at Jason intently and smiled at him lasciviously.

“And then tomorrow the four of us will take advantage of the fact we are in this wonderful city to go to the beach on the morning and do some sightseeing in the afternoon before having this wonderful dinner in your honour”

“What do you think?” Gary intervened. “Hope you like the plan, because we didn’t have a say in it, and I pretty much doubt you are going to have it either”

Howard smiled knowingly and then looked at Jason with his most loving and adoring expression.

“I love it, sweetie”

A big grin broke slowly on Jason’s lips. He put his arms around Howard’s neck –Howard’s arms immediately responding by encircling his waist– and kissed him with all the tenderness he was able of, making them both forget about his surroundings.

“Oh, please, not again!” Gary grumbled.

Jason and Howard smiled against each other’s lips and finally let go of one another, knowing they would be alone in their room in just a few hours for a proper celebration. Suddenly time could not go by fast enough.

“Ok, I have to go back to the DJ booth” Howard told them, feeling sorry about not staying with them but knowing he had to do his job. There was enough room for another person up there, though, so he extended his hand in Jason’s direction.

“Come with me?” he asked him, almost pouting so as not to be deceived.

Jason took his hand strongly and smiled at him, happiness quite evident on his face.

“To infinity and beyond” he answered, mischievously.

Howard turned to him, amusement on his face.

“Really? You’re going to use lines on me now? And from a children’s film?”

Jason laughed with him and kissed his shoulder as he started pushing Howard towards the DJ booth, their hands strongly entwined together. He turned at the last second to his friends, a guilty expression on his face.

“I’m sorry, guys. See you in a little while?”

“Don’t worry, go and enjoy yourself” Mark answered with a smile.

“Yes, we’ll find a way to entertain ourselves too, don’t worry” Gary told him with a wink.

“Thanks, guys, you are the best!” Jason yelled at them as he was pulled by Howard through the crowd.

After a good while of him dancing and having a drink with Mark, Gary turned his gaze to the DJ booth to see his friends, and couldn’t help but to smile at the sight of them: one right next to the other, both dancing in time to the music and to each other, with identical grins on their faces. Every once in a while Howard would turn to Jason and whisper something in his ear, causing Jason to burst out laughing and fall on his boyfriend’s embrace, both of them so happy that Gary could feel it from where he was standing.

Yes, it had been a really good plan for a birthday. They deserved to be happy.

**********

The two couples said good night to each other at the hallway of the hotel. The gig had gone great and they all had had a great time, although now they were feeling pretty tired.

Jason and Howard entered their room holding hands and just as they closed the door behind them Howard took Jason in a long and caring embrace, taking his time to breathe on his scent and stroke the back of his head. Jason returned the embrace just as willingly, happy to be in Howard’s arms on such an especial day.

“I can’t believe you did that”

“What, come over another country just to be with you on your birthday? Or spend the last days at home pretending not to remember that it was your birthday?”

Howard laughed at that, just bending over backwards slightly to look at Jason’s face and play with the hair on his forehead.

“Both of them.  Thank you so much for coming, it was such a wonderful surprise!”

“It was just my way of thanking you for... well, for everything”

“You don’t have anything to thank me for”

“Oh, yes I do. In a way you... you saved my life. Back when I met you and now again with this... whole thing”

“Well, then we’ll call it even, right? ‘Cause when we met you turned my life around too, you know? This just works both ways”

Jason put his arms around Howard’s neck and kissed him full on the lips, all his love and emotion on that kiss for Howard to receive. When the kiss broke Howard smiled at him and disentangled himself from his arms.

“Ok, I’m going to have a shower first, I stink. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll be right back, ok?”

“Ok. Don’t be long”

“I won’t” Howard said with a kiss to Jason’s nose and then he was gone to the bathroom for his shower.

Jason felt so tired he couldn’t even stand anymore, so he took off his clothes and crawled into bed to wait for his boyfriend. He remembered Howard’s expression and glassy eyes when he realized the note on the club was his and couldn’t help a big smile breaking into his lips.

It was only five minutes later that Howard came out of the bathroom with just a towel around the lower half of his body and another one on his hand to dry his hair. He came around the bed and saw his boyfriend lying face down, with his face to him and a smile on his lips, fast asleep. Howard felt a bit disappointed about not having the celebration he had been hoping for, but it had been so long since he had seen Jason so relaxed that he didn’t have the heart to wake him up. So with a fond smile he threw the towels at the foot of the bed, crawled in the bed and contented himself to stroke Jason’s bare back for a while. Then he kissed his forehead and curled himself next to his boyfriend to share his sleep.

**********

Next day, the four of them went to the beach, just as they had agreed the night before. Gary and Mark were anxious to have a bath at the sea, but Jason preferred to do some sunbathing at the sand first, so Howard didn’t know what to do.

“Don’t be silly, go to the water, I can see you want it pretty bad” Jason told him.

“I don’t want to leave you alone”

“I feel like reading for a while, so go and enjoy yourself, I’ll be alright here”

“You sure?”

“Of course! You can even do some tricks to show off how fit you are and how hot you look all wet and I’ll watch you from time to time”

Howard laughed at that and gave Jason a quick peck on the lips and a slap on his rear before making it to the water.

Jason laid down on his towel and took the book out of his bag, with all the intention of reading a while. But he found out he was not on the mood to concentrate on that, as the only thing he felt like doing was to observe his boyfriend and their friends having fun at the water. They looked so happy that it was contagious, Jason thought as a sense of joy invaded his heart. In a way, he thought that all the horrible times they had had to endure in the last few weeks had been worth it if it meant reaching that point where they were now. He couldn’t help but to smile watching the other three.

From the water Howard caught his eye and saw his smile, and couldn’t wait another moment to have him near, so he went to get him. Without saying anything, but with a mischievous smile on his lips, he kneeled at Jason’s side, took the book from his hands to leave in on the towel and then put his arms under Jason’s back and knees to lift him from the floor and take him to the water.

“No, no, no, Howard! Put me down! It’s so cold!” Jason pleaded, unsuccessfully trying to climb down of Howard’s grip.

“How do you know, if you’re not felt it yet?” Howard asked, quite pleased with the situation, as he carried him across the sand.

“In case you haven’t noticed, you’re all wet, I’ve felt it alright”

“Oh, come on, don’t be such a cry-baby” Howard said as he threw Jason to the water, all the while laughing wholeheartedly.

Jason’s head came out from the water, spitting water and shivering from the cold.

“I’m going to kill you!” he yelled at Howard, sending a wave of water after another at his boyfriend. Howard just turned his head around to avoid the water getting into his eyes, but approached Jason until he had him on his reach and just pulled him by the arm to make him fall on his open arms.

“Let me warm you up, love” he told him seductively, as he embraced him tightly to him, Jason’s legs curling around his waist, and kissed him full on the lips. Jason’s arms went around his neck, all pretence of anger forgotten, and he returned the kiss quite enthusiastically too.

When the kiss broke, Howard cupped Jason’s face with both his hands and moved the wet hair stuck there out of his face. Jason tenderly smiled at him and planted a small kiss on his nose.

“Have you forgiven me now?”

“Yes, but only because it’s your birthday”

“And didn’t my kiss have anything do with it?”

“Ok, maybe a little” Jason conceded with a smile, causing Howard to chuckle and squeeze him against his chest again.

“I’ll give you another one just so you can be sure”

Just as they kissed again they felt a push coming from one side and they both fell entirely under the water. When they surfaced all they could hear was Gary’s laughing, proud of himself for having make them fall.

“That serves you right, with all that loving and kissing. It’s disgusting!”

Howard and Jason looked at each other for a second, and then a vindictive smile broke at both their mouths as they jumped on Gary and started tickling him mercilessly. Gary started laughing like crazy, and Jason pulled Mark’s arm to include him in the game, all four of them a very noisy mess of arms and legs, playing together as little kids.

Once they got tired of it and their skin was starting to get wrinkled because of being in the water for so long, they decided to get out and do some sunbathing. Mark and Gary were out of the water already, and Jason was following them when Howard’s arms embraced him from behind, one around his shoulder and the other around his waist, and made him stop on his tracks. Jason smiled and put his own hands over those of his lovers, turning his face around to look at him.

“Are you having a good birthday?”

“I’m having the best birthday ever”

Jason smiled and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“You look... great today” Howard observed, even as he started gently pushing Jason forwards with his body towards the sand, without letting go of him for a second.

“That’s because I feel great”

“You do?” Howard smiled, stroking Jason’s upper chest.

“I think... no, I know I’m alright now”

“You are? Completely?”

“Yes. I’m happy again. And it’s all thanks to you”

Howard squeezed him tight against his chest and planted a wet kiss on his cheek, making Jason laugh wholeheartedly. By then they had already reached their friends, lying on their towels, so they imitated them and lied down too at their side. Jason looked at Howard’s smiling face for a second before putting on his sunglasses. He then took Howard’s hand in his and brought it to his lips to kiss it, obtaining a small smile from him which he instantly returned. Yes, he felt completely happy, and he would make sure nobody would change that again.  
  
  
THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it!! Did you survive all that sugar? Hope so!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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